"i am going to do this"

the mantra repeated in my head over and over as i drove home from a disappointing ballet class at the georgia ballet. not disapointing on my end, but theirs.

i worked my first shift at tcby, frozen yogurt, on tuesday. my manager was cool, and so was my coworker.

my weight sucks. but like i said... im going to do this.

intake today: 140 cal
exercise: -740 cal.

this past weekend i went camping. lets just say it was cold but fun.
my friend sierra pretended i was a model and took pictures of me all weekend. you can see them in the "my eyes" tab. or click here.

heres the rest of my week in sparknotes version.
thursday: school, meeting with my counselor about college, dance
friday: school, poetry club, some folk concert
saturday: work, movie marathon, etc.
sunday: work and idk. haha.

so far i have applied to one college. im looking into dance programs. im thinking... a lot. im going to fucking live this life. i only have one, and god damn it, im gonna live it (while slowly withering away into nothing.... of course).

have a lovely day girls!

losing my mind.

i apologize to anyone that has texted me recently. i lost my phone/it got stolen. whatever.
email me if you would like. i check it a thousand times a day: strivingtobebeautiful@gmail.com

lets have a recap of my birthday weekend.
friday: i had an awesome time driving around with my friend M stealing shit and shopping. then i lost my phone, M tells me we cant to a rave that night because her boyfriend doesnt want to go, and i start crying hysterically. i ate a lot.
saturday: woke up at 430 in the afternoon. decided that it wasnt actually my birthday (it was), then refuses to let anyone believe it was my birthday. went to S's house and she made me feel better. went home. decided i felt like being mad at M, went to yell at her, decided that my need for alcohol was stronger than being angry. stayed at matt's house with M and her boyfriend. matt and i hooked up. yeah...
sunday: didnt do shit.

so i ate a lot all weekend. and this morning 9/27 i ended up being 146. LEFUCCCKKK.
today my intake was 240, didnt exercise but stretched a lot and walked home from school.

im starting pointe. i got my shoes and everything. my teacher told me to wear them around the house so i break them in. you know what would be really cool? if i could major in dance. do you know what im too fat to do? anything remotely artistic via the body. this will change. im checking out some other dance studios tomorrow.

im also trying to grow an inch with stretches and such, just to see if i could model.

realizing your dreams too late is such an extraordinary pity.

the skinny trend.

i miss the screams of old friends,
they disappeared from the world,
perhaps they recovered,
i dont want to think of other options.

yesterday i weighed in at 143.
entirely horrendous, and i wasnt expecting it.
however, i intended to start the abc.
and i was at 500 until 2am,
when i binged.

today, on the other hand, ive done quite well.
a total of 180 intake minus 640 exercise.

so im hoping monsieur scale is forgiving tomorrow.

but here are the new rules:
1. each "meal" can have a maximum of two items.
2. no eating after 10 pm. (leads to binging)
3. create to do lists, showing no time for food (getting a planner soon)
4. gym/dance at least once a day.
[[EDIT: 5. leave some of your food on your plate, hence eating less of it.]]
this way i get more done, and i dont eat. win-win.

today i realized, i have way too many dreams.
and dont tell me i have an entire lifetime to do this and that.
i really dont for the stuff i want.
everything has to be decided right now.
for example, in the past couple of days i decided i want to try modeling (have to lose weight for), take more acting classes (have to lose weight for), take pointe (have to lose weight for), take more dance classes (hove to lose weight for).
see a trend?
i dont know what i want to do in college.
i really want to go to new york, i think subconsciously because i want to be closer to that model/acting hub.
but i also dont want to be in hella debt when i get out of college.
im at a loss. either i pick something that makes me a lot of money, or ill pick something im not necessarily good at and either fail at or not make money out of it.

lets just say im at a crossroads and want to give up.
the only thing i know for certain i have to do is lose weight,
which is something i have to do no matter what.

next time i write ill tell you guys about my birthday plans for this weekend. :D
have a lovely day.

just the current state of things.

the good:
both wednesday and friday, i worked out (-400).
on thursday, i had 2.5 hours of dance.
it was glorious. im still sore.

the bad:
i binged a shitton today.
i think i look like i did at the beginning of last school year.
i was 150. and i feel so fucking fat.

the plan:
tomorrow, i fast.
monday morning, i will weigh in. and begin the abc... (again)
monday afternoon, i will tell you that wretched number.
i will make a plan better once i know that number.
i want to 135 by saturday (my 17th birthday)

i will write something better later.
all my love.

p.s tell me what you think... honestly.
these are some pictures of me.
what do you think? also, i think my thigh looks small in the first where that is all that is seen... which is why i like that picture. haha.



... oh, buuhjezzuss im fat. heres a picture from january, where i actually looked small, i wasnt "skinny" but i was definitly smaller. -sigh-
my arms werent gross back then.... well, fuck. its time to do shit up again.

this is me this past summer... i lok the same if not bigger... ew. my arm has a strange lump...

i have a small frame, and im determined to see it.

nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

im fat, kids.
sorry.
ive been in a fast/binge cycle.
its horrendous.

i went to a meeting for nyu today.
lets just say it made me feel entirely insignificant.
i had an anxiety attack afterwards... that was fun.
so i decided,
if i cant succeed anywhere, the least i can do is be skinny.
i didnt succeed in that today. but tomorrow is another day.
and i will not fail.

i will be beautiful.
i will be fragile.
i will be dainty.
i will be me.

i have until the end of this year to get to 118.
im probably around 140 by now with my fattyness.
ill be getting to the gym at least once a day.
and i will be calorie counting.
and i will report good news next time i post.
have good day, lovelies.

im a new person.

i no longer feel.
i cry, but i dont know why.
im considering disowning everyone i know.

i made out with matt... a little.
i dont know whats going on,
and i dont think i care.

im fucking fat.
but im no longer eating.
im fasting right now, i guess.

ive been watching the tudors.
it make me cry when watch or hear anything about love.
i have never been loved.
i will never be loved.
or so it seems.

i hate crying.
but i really dont know what else to do.
i understand if all of you have given up on me,
everyone else leaves.
this community shant be any different.

im rereading wintergirls.
i love that book so much.

hopefully the next time i write,
ill have more things figured out.
if you ever want me to read something of yours, just let me know.
im a lazy ass so a reminder is always nice.
ill be around.

im in an open relationship with a selfish bitch.

i love her, and i hate her.
and we all know her.

+ my weight is finally going down.
- my computer broke.
+ pregnancy scare aborted.
- school fucking sucks... already.
- im tired.
- im still fat.
+ i can visibly see myself getting smaller.

i dont know if i mentioned in my last post, but i am now officially vegan. (dont tell the vegan police that i had frozen yogurt today.) it really helps me with calorie cutting. because i see no purpose in eating bread because i have nothing to put on it... unless i have hummus, hummus will be my diets worst nightmare now. which is actually really funny.

but my ana buddy and i are fasting until friday so i hope i can stick through that.

i had a bit of a pregnancy scare from saturday until today. but thankfully i dont, because andy is a douche and although i still care i guess, i dont want to be associated with him in any time of relationship, friendship or otherwise.

i dont know which i prefer. being numb or being sad... whenever people ask me how i am, i dont know how to respond, it gets sorta irritating. sometimes i even get offended in their asking. but oh, well.

to a better tomorrow. good luck in everything you strive for.

i know all of you deserve more.

than a few sporadic posts every now and then.
and you deserve a lot more than this next post.

one. andy and i broke up when i got back from my vacation. im fine now if i dont think about it, like... i think its better for me that we did... or i should say that he did, but it still hurts to know that i put all my trust in a person that said they wouldnt leave but did. im also fine for some other reasons ill mention below.

two. i now have a supplier of generic zoloft, vyvance, and dexamphetamine. i also have some lexapro from a while ago. ive been taking those. initiall, because i was sad so i took some lexapro, but school is already stressing me out and i have a shitton of work on crime and puinishment due on monday, and a huge project in environmental science due on wednesday and like 5 tests at the beginning of next week... and im freaking out just thinking about it. these pills have given me the opportunity to stop thinking about life. like, when im on them, all i think about is what i need to get done, and what i should do. i dont think about all the shit thats happened or the stressball of fucking hell most people call the possibilities of the future. so basically im numb. which works both in my favor and against me.

three. i recently completed a three day fast. 69.5 hours to be exact. i ate about 500 calories. and started another fast at 5 pm on 8.26.11. my weight is unknown because the pills also give me ridiculous dry mouth so like... yesterday, i drank like 8 water bottles and a few sodas. hella water weight. but im assuming im in the high 130s at this point, realistically.

four. i really like art. that is all.

five. im back bitchesss. (: hope all of you are doing well. I LOVE ALL OF YOU. you'll be hearing from me. thats a promise.

escape.

east cobb.

i live in a place called east cobb.

the people are full fo pride, and have nothing better to do than start drama.

andy and i are fighting.

one of my best friends and i are fighting.

my mom and i are fighting.

yesterday, i cried for 5 hours.

i felt so tired of living,

suicidal thoughts ran through my head frequently.

so i took off.

im at hilton head, south carolina,

and im still sad.

i feel alone.

i just want to feel cared about.

but no one does.

on the brightside,

my calories were under 500.

and im finally getting the hang of restricting again.

i hope you ladies are doing better than i am.

and i hope my vacation treats me kindly.

do you believe in fate?

an uncontrollable force causing things to happen in the universe,
making people meet,
giving you new experiences.

yesterday i fell asleep at 6 when andy was getting his car,
i woke up at 830 and he had already made other plans,
yeah, i didnt see him on our two months.
i went to the gas station to get gas on my way to his house
because he was going swimming with his work friends and kinda invited me.
but as soon as i got there,
matt was there.
so i got gas and we started talking.
then other people showed up, i fed them my cookies.
although matt refused to have one because he was convinced theyd have weed in them,
oh, matthew.
-sigh-

in other news, im more blonde now.
i applied to a frozen yogurt place,
im 143.5 after 1200 yesterday,
im slowly going down, and i havent eating in 7.5 hours.
so im hoping to not eat today.

to all my girls out there,
stay strong and beautiful.
thank you for your comments.

building up the wall.

my mother thinks im fat,
she liked me better when i was 125,
after three days of fasting,
she told me so herself.

my best friend relapsed.

i almost hit 150 lbs.
water weight, but annoying,
i almost gave up,
but im 13 hours into fasting.

today is my two months with andy,
but im haunted by the thoughts of last night,
i flirted with matt.
do you remember him?
we dated for two weeks, he didnt talk to me for one.
total douche, but doesnt change that i think hes cute,
and who even knows why i think hes cute.
hanging out with him brought up thoughts...
i need more attention from my boyfriend.

today, im doing to bake cookies for andy,
and apply for jobs (maybe)
i just finished my first summer reading book. catch-22.
i have two more to read in two weeks.
brave new world & crime and punishment,
along with a research journal on crime and punishment.

im tired,
i want to be numb,
just think about calories and numbers,
and not think about my future
that thoughts of are being forced upon me.

until i write again,

im not trying hard enough.

and i know it.
im a wimp, im weak,
and she deserves better.

i think im in the 140s now.
im terrified to weigh myself.

but starting 7/28 at 9 pm. i fast until the 8/1.
i will not let you girls down.
that is over three days.
which would make it my longest fast yet.

august 1st is my two monthaversary.
i dont know if we are going to do anything.
because we didnt on our monthaversary.
but im thinking about baking him cookies.
i feel like that sufficient for two months... right?
im awful at this relationship junk.
i also havent had sex in over two weeks.
partly because im not allowed in andys room anymore,
according to his mother.
and partly because im fat.

also, my mom called me fat tonight.
hence the long fast.
so now i stay out of the kitchen and hide my money from myself.

im going to look like this soon...

hello ladies. confessionals.

it seems i wrote exactly a month ago...
nothing much has changed,
monotony prevails apparently.

i truly miss all of you.
im currently on my 51st hour of fasting. 137.5.
as you can see... ive gained quite a bit of weight.
this past month has been binge after binge after binge.
like, ive never eaten that much before.
i went out of my way to stuff myself until i felt as if i would burst.

but this must all change,
it is my goal to not eat junk until august 15th, the day i go back to school.
also, i would like to be 120 by then.
i understand that is a large goal.
but i will try my best, for how else is there to try?
certainly not half-heartedly.

thank you to everyone that commented on my last post.
if i wasnt a hippo then, i definitly am now. haha.

i curled my hair tonight because i never sleep when i fast,
and molly asked me to take a picture.

p.s. my hair is probably going to be blonde next week. :D

now for some actually attractive pictures...

hippo.

day twenty two: what was your lowest weight? how and why did you gain?
124.5. and binging, lots of binging.

before yesterday, i got called a hippo.
via facebook. it was awesome.

i ate one meal today, dunno how much it was but it was under 250.
im at 128 tonight.
so im going back down... yay.

almost met molly in real life today, at the mall.
that would have been cool, too bad you had to leave. :P
there always next time. haha.
went to get cpr training this morning for health.
so i didnt get to go to the gym.
i was planning on quiting smoking with my last pack with my boyfriend, my best friend, and her boyfriend.
but both the boys bought packs... and i really wanted one so....
whoops.

no ones asking me questions. :( i waaannnnttt! haha.
good night girls, and good luck with everything.

update?

i couldnt stand posting until i had a good day under my belt.
i did not eat today... and burnt over 700 calories.

recently, everyone has been telling me to be healthy.
all i can reply is, healthy is not in my vocabulary.

day fourteen: what’s your UGW? When you expect to reach it?
100-110 lb. im thinking by my birthday, september 24th... thatd be cool.
the sooner the better.

day fifteen: are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, has this helped you lose weight? If not, would you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?
im a vegetarian, trying to be vegan.
and no, it has not.

day sixteen: when did you first decide to lose weight?
some time in middle school, didnt actually start until last summer.

day seventeen: do you have an eating disorder?
no.

day eighteen: what food is your weakness?
pizza, chocolate, chips... the usual.

day nineteen: when was the last time you ate fast food?
depends, i had pizza last night. but legit fast food?...
maybe february.

day twenty: favourite diet?
not eating.

day twenty-one: what your clothing size?
no fucking idea.

i wish i had something interesting to say.
im on my period... like hardcore.
ive obviously been eating too much.
no more of that business.
my boyfriend and i had sex.
i havent really been doing much except sleep, health, work out, and andy.

i would like to ask for questions again.
ill try to post more i swear, i love you all.

the binge monster is back.

ill update better later.
too jumbled up from all the food.
im so sorry. i didnt mean to fuck this up.

ive got some catching up to do...

im not really in a good mood anymore.
this constant fasting is making me depressed,
but it makes me happy at the same time...cw: 126. 5 [[tonight]]

day eight: your workout routine
i barely ever get to go to the gym.
but when i go its usually
20-30 minutes elliptical
15-20 minutes stationary bike
then abs on the floor.

day nine: did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?
not really, i mean...
one lady said it looked like i was disappearing
but i took that as a compliment.

day ten: what was the hardest thing you gave up during this “weight loss.”
normality.

day eleven: your favorite thinspo blog and why!
i have a lot of tumblr that i follow for their reality and relatability.

day twelve: what do you normally eat?
it definitely ranges a lot.
but right now my safe foods are: sugar free jello, sugar snap peas, carrots, apples, low calories bread, fat free butter, egg whites, air popped popcorn, sugar free pudding.

day thirteen: are you losing weight in a healthy or unhealthy way?
unhealthy.

jeez... where to start...
i got my ears pierced by andys sister.
ive been fasting a lot recently,
and its taking a toll on my mood.
andy is fucking perfect though.
i told him everything,
but hes not gonna make me do anything i dont want to do.
but now i feel like i have to prove myself that i actually am sick.
i feel like binging, but i cant let myself do that.
i just hit my lowest weight again, and its gonna keep going down.
if i fast until wednesday at noon thatll be a new record of 60 hours.
then ill probably eat two meals that day then go back to fasting until saturday when i get my license.
p.s. still suck at parking.

i'd love to answer questions if you got them.
my boring life has been full of cars, movies, pools, and andy.
p.p.s. im getting taaannnn. haha.

im up super early. 250th post.

hey guys!
i love you!
still sailing on a good mood.

day six: do you binge? if so, explain why you think you do this.
sometimes i binge to feel full.
sometimes i binge just to feel like im filling the emptiness.
sometimes i binge because im bored or stressed.
sometimes i binge because im out of control.
it really depends.

day seven: do your parents know your trying to lose weight? do they care?
i mean, ive told my mother several time i want to lose like 10 more pounds.
sometimes shes for it, and sometimes she isnt.
its hard to predict because my mother cant decide whether or not she wants me to eat. :P

im happy.
i dont know whether its the antidepressants,
but fuck it. im happy.
and thats really all that matters.

the boy is fantastic.
i told him some stuff,
but i cant decide whether or not to tell him about this.
i told him i cut,
which he understand because he kinda used to too, kinda.
the boy is so broken by his past, and yet has the courage to smile every day.
its really almost inspiring.
ive told him that this all scares me.
actually i think what i said exactly was.
"baby. i think im falling in love with you. which is fucking scary."
with long pauses.
i really know how to talk to a guy, dont i? :P

i liquid fasted yesterday,
i was just tired and hoping for a miracle.
which was received. im 127 this morning. HALLELUJAH!
yet this doesnt seem enough, of course.
but im doing better. i still dont feel much like eating though.
andy doesnt really eat, so im safe in that regard when im with him.
and he offers me food, but doesnt pressure me to eat anything.
oh, and i think my gap is back. it may be small, but its fucking there.

have a lovely day girls.

catching up...

will have to wait until tomorrow. its almost three am!

but i will do the challenge

day two: how tall are you? do you like your height?
im 5'7"-8" its nice i guess. sometimes i wish i were shorter.

day three: a picture of your thinspiration and what you like.
i like everything about mk. shes fucking baller.

day four: your greatest fears about weight loss.
i fear ill never get there, or once i do i wont stop. or that nothing will be different.

day five: why do you really want to lose this weight? is it really for you?
at the start of this i was an extremely overweight (by bmi standards) girl wanting to be a healthy life, since then its been for love, lust, and personal punishment and pleasure. its been quite rollercoaster. and it still hasnt ended.

im doing better now.
ill write about it tomorrow.
and now ill have more time to catch up with all you lovely ladies.
good luck to everyone, i love you all.

challenge with ariana and cinnamon brown. (:

my stats.

height: 5'7"-5'8"
hw: 174 lb (at a shorter height)
cw: 131.5 lb
lw: 126.5 lb
ugw: 107-110 lb

all my measurements are probably the same. refer to "my stomache"

i just wanted to stop by to leave a nightmare i just had (i think its about ana)

in my dream, two men were carrying a corpse towards me like it wanted to talk to me. all I saw was its stomach that was caved in. and then when they got to me, the corpse like suffocated me. then i woke up, texted me new boyfriend, and my two ana text friends. damn.

with this challenge ill be posting more. (:

sorry, ive been busy studying for the SAT this saturday and then the new boy i mentioned. and then i have dance shows today through friday.

hope everyone is doing well, i havent (mentally).

just because its sugar free doesnt mean its calorie free.

yeah, whoops.
i didnt binge yesterday.
but between the sugar free chocolate and the waten retension from pickles i gained three pounds between yesterday (128.5) and today (131.5).
i also didnt exactly count calories, so i could have gone way over my limit.
ive gone 4 days binge free so far, and im not stopping now.
summer will be my bitch.
also, i think i went out on a date yesterday.
so now i have three guys who are at least mildly interested in me.
in order of likingness:
russian boy, drifter boy #2, and hipster boy.
ive probably mentionned their names before... but this is more fun.

so, about that date.
we went with my best friend and her boyfriend.
we watched arthur (hilarious, btw).
we didnt do anything but we sat really close,
and he tickled me in the car. :P

i dont know what to do! im still fucking fat! if i lose 5 pounds i think this will be easier.
and by this... i mean life.

silver haze, i love thee.

i smoked last night when i got home from hiking.
silver haze didnt give me the munchies.
i heard my stomache growling, but it felt cool so i didnt eat.
it really just made me hella thirsty.
and tea felt so nice warming up my insides.

hike, hike, hike.
i wish i did more.
it took my mother and i an hour to find the trail yesterday.
but once we did we only had 30 minutes to spare.
i was running on a fiber one bar (+90) and breakfast that had already been used up.
it was quite tiring.

i miraculously got the grade i need on my final to bring my french grade up.
3 a's and 3 b's for sofia this semester.

the only way i could have gotten that grade is with my new friend
mr. adderall.
i got up tuesday morning, and i couldnt study.
i knew i had to, but i couldnt concentrate.
then i remembered that i bought a pill a couple of months ago.
i thought, im not gonna need this over the summer... *swallow*
from then on my day got very productive.

hmm... i wrote this post reverse chronological order.
now for a current fact, im 128.5 with no intention of binging.
hope everyone is doing well. (:

defcon 3.

weight stabilizing. still semi-crisis mode.
135, today. should be even lower tomorrow.

yesterday:
intake: +630 cal.
exercise: -662 cal.
net: -32 cal.

so tell me, why couldnt i just be born skinny.

also, pants sizes confuse me.
size 6s (us) from charlotte russe are completely sliding off of me,
while a size 7 (us) from pacsun "fits".
just... blech.
i will never know the truth!

doing better, i knew the jumbled thought were due to too much food!
have a lovely day girlies.
i have two more finals tomorrow and then summer. (:

bad weekend.

i hit 130.5 and then fucked up to 139.
mostly water weight, ill update later on that.
my brain isnt working right.
i dont know whats wrong.
not smoking weed until i hit 125.
actually following through with that this time.
i feel jumbled up.
russian boy asked me out, i dont know if i like him.
still want to hook up with someone else.
i dont know why im telling you this, you wont care.
my brain hurts.
i have two finals left.
i hope this made a little sense.

disappointments.

my friend didnt even want to running.
i ate all that food for nothing.
but i maintained 130.5 so thats good.
i ended up having a lot more than planned.
but i didnt binge. i was in control.

intake: 672 cal.
(which honestly had me freaking out)
exercise: -710 cal.
net intake: -38 cal.
negatives yayyy!

i cry a lot easier now,
the slightest insult
or the look of disappointment on my moms face.
i just cant take it.
im not strong enough to do everything right...
so i screw everything up.

but no need to be depressing! :P
stay lovely.

i want to disappear.

i could keep going...

but i have commitments to keep.

ive been fasting since monday 11 pm.
at 1 am 5/19 ill beat my record of 50 hours.
and i dont plan on being up until 7-9 so thatll extend it to 56-58.
i could keep going, im not really hungry.
but all day today i felt like fainting.
and i have to run 3-6 miles with my friend tomorrow. along with an hour and half long dance class.
im honestly scared to eat so ill make a game plan...
B: oatmeal (50), maybe blueberries
L: 2/3 c. mixed veggies (60)/ 1/2 apple (40)/ carrots (35)/ sugar snap peas (35) --pick one in the morning.
S: french toast (50)/ egg whites (30) [maybe] w. 1/2 green pepper (16)
D: this one is gonna be an issue. itll probably be one of the things from lunch.

bye lovelies.
ill be reading. (:

p.s. i was 132.5 this morning, and 131 just recently.
my goal is 129 with jackie on monday. (:
i might take a walk later.

anxiety.

i go through periods of good and bad,
the days seem so long,
i cant tell sometimes.

weed makes me eat so much.
but i waked and baked today,
and im doing relatively good.

lately, ive been getting bouts of anxiety attacks.
sometimes its from the occasional nicotine withdrawal,
but sometimes i just cant handle when everything's a mess.
like yesterday, i made my mom clean the pantry out with me.
and prepackaging is doing me wonders.
i dont have to worry about calories because i know what i put into the bag. :D

i want to disappear.

boring and still negative, yet happy!

im tired, so ill make this quick.
i woke up at the early hour of 9 am. 133. had 5 grapes (15) as i walked out the door.
got to school and had a monster zero (0) and took my english end of course test.
my tummy growled a lot, but then i went to some classes. skipped a french test for lunch.
carrots (35). mello yello zero (0), i havent had one of those in forever.
ended up having to take that french test during class.
got through the rest of the day.
came home, and mini binged ofc, as expected. 1/4 green pepper (8), salad (20), ice cream (50), jello (10), tofu (125), cabbage (25).
did some computer surfing, went to jazz (-280), went to the gym(-285), got some protein and foodz in me. egg whites (30), mushrooms (28), cabbage (25), vanilla yogurt with cinnamon (36) which tasted like cake btw.
went to cvs for more dr. pepper. ate again... i dont know what was wrong with me today. cabbage (15).
then i went for a walk (-75). chocolate (100)
....and i think thats it.

i feel like i just wasted at least 5 minutes of your time. sorrey!

intake total: 522 cal.
(im okay with this since this is around500... i guess, still too much.)
exercise: -640 cal.
net intake: -118 cal.

hope everyone has a lovely day/night!
much love,
im reading, always. (:

i couldnt decide what to eat, so i had a cigarette and diet soda instead.

still 134.
unhappily.
still talking to russian boy.
happily. (:

took ap physics today, le failed.
i looked at the test... and just laughed.
my teacher is absolute SHIT.

im trying to keep in the negative net intakes.
heres my day broken down:
egg whites(30)+1/4 green pepper(8)=breakfast(38)
2 mints (40.smh.)=testing(40)
salad(60)+sugar snap peas(40)+ pita bread(80)+ hummus(70)+ blueberries(20)=lunch/mini binge(250)
dinner: none (0)
total intake: 328
walking (-80)
ballet(-280)
net total = -32 cal

well, i think boring me is done for now.
struggle2bethin: i like tea plain, but i do mix in something along the lines of stevia/splenda.
starvingforperfection: im pretty positive that splenda has no calories. and i followed you. (: also, from my last post. i get most of my pictures from tumblr.
ELLE-usive Dream: i did rip my hair out, and had multiple breakdowns. go school! haha.
thank you to everyone who complimented me.i dont deserve it, those shorts are flattering and covered up my fat thighs. :P

much love,
sofia.

my tea collection?

my personal life is a drag,
so heres some tea...

the only one thats missing is yogi green tea superantioxidant (my favourite)
and the bags of tea from cinnamon brown. (:
which are absolutely SCRUMPTIOUS.

i signed up to take my license test on the 18th of june. (:
freedom awaits.
thats my momma's birthday, so idk how thats gonna be. haha.
but im really excited.

ive been flirting with two boys.
its all fun and games.

i went to the gym today,
i went running with my friend yesterday.
i dont like treadmills.

im tired of being fat,
my stomach is actually looking okay.

i talk aboutmyself too much...
but then again, this is my blog...
hmm.

i have an ap test tomorrow.
physics, fuck me sideways and with two dimensional oscillatory motion.
i wont enjoy it.

heres a picture of me youll probably think is disgusting.
i took this before i went tanning,
i wanted to unzip my jacket, but my stomach looked gross.

hey look its me!

i never know what to write anymore,
so... question?!
if anyone has anything theyd like to ask, ask!

new inspiration && thinspo. (:

one of my former friends called me fat.
now i have to be skinnier than she claims to be.
which is 125.
(which she doesnt weigh, btw.
but i have to do this asap.
133.5 this morning.
then i went and took the ap calc ab exam. i died.

it needs to get warmer.

im fucking cold again.
and im tired of it.
i need the sun to warm the bones im starving for.
tomorrow, please bring smiles.

hmph.

i was 136 this morning.
numbers arent going anywhere.
"situations" by escape the fate reminds me of matt.
such a dumb fuck.
i saw him on saturday.
completely ignored my existence, but i know he saw me.
*idontcareidontcareidontcare*

ive been flirting with a different boy.
russian boy, ill call him.
he's not attractive, or i dont know.
im just tired of being alone and unwanted.

ap exams start tomorrow.
i have calc on wednesday and physics the following monday.
im also taking the SAT on saturday.
fuck me with a frikken chainsaw.

i really need to do something about my expansive size.
speaking of which...
i threw away all the food i was mad at this weekend.
and im not baking for a very long time.

this concludes todays account of failure.
i shall now commence blog reading for the first time in a while.
love you all. *muah*

im not strong enough to love.

i realized this while brushing my teeth just now.
*sigh*

tomorrow i dont have class,
so im sleeping in until 10,
making cookie dough (not tasting this time) for poetry club
and then going in to take an (optional) test.
i dont know what has come over me...

day one and two of abc went well... ive yet to paint my two nails.
but maybe ill do that tomorrow.

i wish i wasnt so tired so i could write more,
but i feel like falling into a depressive heap,
so i wouldnt be much entertainment anyway.

hope everyone is doing well.
p.s. im reading, just not commenting. promise.

i have 123 followers!

i dont know i thought that was funny...
well anyways,
im still stuck in the same rut.
getting back on track, then falling off the wagon,
then again, and again.

i started a weight loss challenge with my friend.
if i win this week, i get a free movie and a free picnic.
but at this picnic, we will have carrots.
because today when we were having a picnic with a bunch of junk,
and we were in the junk food aisle, and this skinny girl walks past us,
and all she had was carrots. ... so yeah.
skinny girls eat carrots.

tomorrow i start the abc again,
and the nail polish challenge,
which is where everyday you succeed,
you paint one finger nail,
if you screw up, you have to take the polish off every nail,
a visual reminder of your failure/success.

i would promise to post more,
but i dont like talking about my failures,
i feel guilt all the time. :/
i hope you girls are well.

i love you guys SO much.

thank you for the comments on my last blog.
much appreciated,
ill try to get over him, but its hard, you know?
thats the second time ive been rejected this year.

i woke up semi late this morning 129.5.
got dressed into a dress, cardigan, and flats.
walked to my neighborhood park.
had a lovely smoke with a vanilla coke zero and marlboro skylines (my new fav)
walked to the bus stop, went to school, trudged through my classes.
came home. had coffee (3). 129.
had pickles (0) and celery (30)
... tumbl'd and read.
went to the grocery store.
pretend to do homework. strawberries (20).
gave up, made cookie dough in preparation for weekly thursday baking.
mushrooms (32) and rice (~100).
had "too much" cookie dough (mostly le purge) 132.5.
took three laxatives.

so that was my day so far...
i weighed myself with wet hair,
so lets pretend thats a pound :P
and then its mostly waterweight...
but still, 2 pounds.
so i will do 2 abs cycles.

now i must start most of my homework,
study for two tests and a quiz,
(not die)
and yeah.
ta-ta for now!

alrighttyyy.

i believe i owe an update.
lets start from where i left off...

saturday(319-0):
baked some more goods for the parentals,
had a little over 300, not including tastings.
went to the park to hang out with some of my old friends... awk.
then i went to see black swan... again, i missed the most dramatic part though because i had to call my mother.
after watching that, i was in the mood for some major ass kicking.
so we went to the gas station, where ofc everyone was congregated.
matthew was in a car, so i asked him if we could speak
he said, in a minute.
when i politefully reminded him that i had to be home, he said, can we talk tomorrow.
he promised we would.
and im weak, and he looked sad, so i said okay.

sunday(bingex2):
i was hoping to speak to him in the afternoon, but he claimed that he was going to see his sister, so we could talk that night
it was nice out, so i put on a dress, and read outside.
but i was also very emotional unstable, so i went inside to binge at some point.
(shh... i flirted a bit with mia)
i went to my physics tutor, then when i returned i texted him saying that i was free, and that i really needed to talk to him.
he sent some bullshit through a text, and i kept reminding him that we really had to talk face to face... which he didnt quite understand...
i didnt see him... although i did cry a lot... so that was fun.
oh! and i binged some more (and flirted with mia some more)... yay!

monday(21-350):
(...everything ive been doing revolves around that fucking boy, i dont like this.)
i texted him in french saying that he could take his time, and we could talk when he wanted to.
surprise, no response.
i come home to find that he deleted his facebook relationship status... so i deleted my facebook.
i then cried myself to sleep, woke up at 9, went to the gym, and then cried some more.

tuesday(83-80):
i still didnt talk to him, and im partaking in an indefinite fast.
im currently 131, and ill probably hit the 120's tomorrow.
i want him to notice next time i see him.
i want to disappear.

sorry this was so long, and if you read it all...
i love you dearly, and if you didnt... that alright.
i wouldnt read this shit either.

i told my irl ana friend that i wasnt planning on eating for the next couple of days... and i think she got mad at me.
shes like... you have to eat!
"i went to rehab... i know girls who died from eating disorders"...
is it bad that i want to die?...
i just feel like everyone leaves me... the word "worthless" comes to mind frequently.
rant over.

im boring.

i did okay today,
500 calories throughout the day,
plus tasting and a little more while baking.
and i burned off 400 at the gym.

sorry to bore you with more matt stuff, but now i think he's legit avoiding me.
i just dont get it, he used to be crazy about me.

heres my day in bullets!... kinda.
got up, made brekkie, went to the gym.
lazed on the computer, baked vegan cupcakes and cookies.
got picked up, smoked the reefer, went to dinner
(cucumber sushi! i think thats the lowest cal thing. haha).
met some russians, hung out at the gas station.
friday night, ftw! :P

i was 134 this morning, ewwwwww.
i hope im lower tomorrow, but i know im probably not,
i think im fasting tomorrow.
oh, i dunno, ill decide in the morning, im baking again, so idk how that work... oh, well.

bye lovelies!

le fasting.

today went alright.
i have awful self control,
i ended up having a zero calorie pickle.
whoops.

i saw matthew today when we were hanging out at the gas station,
don't judge... its where we hang out. :P
for the first 5 minutes he like completely ignored me.
then i scooted over, and sat next to him, and we talked a little.
then when he was leaving, i was like, hey, can we talk over there?
so i was like, hey you havent been answering, and he mumbled something about going to sleep at 7 am and something about not being able to afford school.
i mean he said he was sorry... i think... but i just want him to press a couple buttons and text me, for fucks sake!

i weighed myself.
i dont remember what the number was... but i remember it was horrid.

well, bye for now lovelies!
i think ill start the abc tomorrow. no definite plans though.
p.s. i really want lettuce... but i also want to fast again.
fuck my indecisiveness!

change of plans.

matt is making me so sad. he hasnt talked to me all day. i know you may think im weak for saying that, but it's how i feel damn it. i feel disposable and worthless. it might be a shallow reason, but...


im not eating until matt talks to me.


maybe then everyone will see how much im hurting instead of saying im overreacting, and my mom can finally stfu.


i feel so lost. i just need a hug from someone who cares, truly cares.

starting over.

hi to my new followers!
i dont know where you came from, but hi hi hi!

got my wisdom teeth out.
it doesnt hurt that bad.
the diet went out the window though.

i want to start over the abc.
i know i can do it.
and i will.
im not even questioning it.
if anyone would like to join, go right ahead, i love company.
tomorrow (today) wednesday the 6th will be day one: 500 or less.
easy peasy.
(remind me to get rid of the four bowls of jello and brownies in my kitchen,
oh, my friends.)

today, as you see from the above mentioned food
my friends came over to cheer me up and have a jello party.
while we were waiting for the jello to set, i made brownies.
*bad sofia*
but now i have the leftovers at my house... even worse!
ppssst. lime jello tastes awesome.
and then i went to my physics tutor. my brain died.
and then i went grocery shopping and drivin with my momma.

then i hung out with my friend isabelle,
we went to the park where mexicans were being inappropriate, haha.
then we frequented the local gas station.
i saw matt there.
first time ive seen him since last monday.
and i havent talked to him all day... his fault, not mine.
he was drunk. :P
i missed him so much, i just... gaaahh.
i dont know what to do.
i guess i have to get some patience.

until next time,
bye lovelies!

p.s. im afraid to weigh myself. :/

day four fail.

also, purging isnt pleasant. maybe because im not good at it.... yet.
please dont tell me not to... i know.
i took laxatives, and now i start my homework at 1 am...
maybe i can wake up before the side effects kick in and get some cardio.
i hate messing up.
i will not fuck up the 100 day tomorrow.
hope everyone is doing well.


oh, and i need to stop cutting.

hello dears!

today was day three. 400 cal.
i had around 375, with very little fat.

i need to start doing cardio though...
my tummy flab needs to go away faster. haha.
today i noticed that my "thigh gap" is starting to show more...
i bet everything will look better at 120.
weighed in at 129 this morning, then 128.5 after school.

i went grocery shopping for a ton of fruits and veggies. i thought watermelon was low cal and good for you... but who the fuck knew that one slice was 80 cal! FUCK. ME. :P

other than that, im doing alright.
i didnt see matthew today. :(.
but ill probably skip school on friday, and probably hang out with him.

i love you guys, and im sorry if i havent seen your blog yet, ive only been commenting on those who comment on mine... but im trying to get to more, promise.
stay lovely.

i started the abc.

with an ana friend. (:
i just finished day two, but i cant sleep so im finally posting.
i weighed in at 130 tonight and will probably and hopefully be in the 120s tomorrow.

story time!
theres been drama in the drifters.
friday night: verbal standoff.
saturday afternoon: my friend got (sucker) punched in the face.
this is why i was stressed all weekend.
and the person who punched him was spreading stuff like he beat him down, when in reality he ran away afterwards like a priss.
but we've decided to just forget it. its over.
but my problem is, my brother is on the puncher's side. i am not.
we almost got into an argument on saturday about it which was slightly irritating.

my irl ana friend is starting this business again, i promised to keep her secret, but i feel bad for her boyfriend.
im planning on keeping this from matt for as long as possible, until it gets obvious.
speaking of matt, im kinda irked with our relationship at the moment.
he never initiate conversations via text or asks to hang out.
i have to blatantly say, hey, im free and i want to do something.
i just want him to take initiative and think of something to do. is that too much to ask?!
i suppose it is. hmph, boys.

well, im off to finally catch up on comments and posts (hopefully, but probably not. :P) since i cant sleep.
love you! and hope you're all doing well. (:

so i see its ben ten days since my last post.

and i miss you all!
ive realized that im a pretty boring person.
so i wont be posting as much,
but you can always email me or text me.
info on the side.

ive had good days and bad days this week.
i currently weigh in at 130.5,
as of this morning.

my intakes have been all over the place,
nothing to enough for an morbidly obese man to gain 100 pounds.
but somehow that number went down,
and for that im happy.
well, maybe it because i woke up at 4 pm today...
but no matter!

i see i have received an award from some awesome people
thank you to PollyAnna and Dragonfly and Sarah.
7things:
1. i currently have a boyfriend who is 19 (even though we're not really speaking right now, oh and i spilt coke in his car last night *whoops*)
2. im from russia, and i dont have a russian accent.
3. i miss ice skating like a mofo.
4. my best friend likes to cause trouble in the drifter/metalhead friend group, she can twirl them around her finger and she knows it, but i cant tell her to stop hurting them.
5. my room is purple, i have a purple shag rug, and my favourite colour is indeed purple
6. ive been a vegetarian for almost a year.
7. pride and prejudice is my favourite movie; i was born in the wrong era (you know, it was acceptable for women not to eat back then.)

now for a hand off:
1-3. obviously the ones that gave this award to me int he first place.
4. All.That.Wander.Are.Not.Lost
5. zette
6. Cinnamon Brown (:
7. Meg
oh, goodness, ive suddenly been hit with the plague of tiredness.
this happens so often, which is why i dont post much anymore.
i was even going to tell you about yesterday!
ugh, okay, i would like to give this award to everyone on here struggling, and trynig to find their true selves and body in whatever form they are using.
i love you all.

ill post again soon.

my first good day in a while

im sorry i havent been around.
ill try to catch up as best as i can.
i had around 220 (overestimating) today.
ill tell you my weight once im vaguely satisfied with it.
thank you to everyone's support.
i love you all.

dont be worried.

im just not on the path i want to be on right now.
ill be back when im falling again.
soon, please.

day one complete.

i fasted today.

made a soy vanilla latte (45)
and that is the extent of my intake.

im going to tell you guys my weight.
just so you can see how the 10 days go.
i was 133 this morning,
and 130.5 before my shower...
so you can tell how much ive been eating lately :P
*bad sofia*

but im feeling pretty good.
i dont know what im going to do tomorrow,
but im gonna make a plan before i go to sleep.
so i dont get overwhelmed tomorrow.

thank you to all the lovely ladies joining me.
good luck, we can all do it.

Eibbroc:: i read wasted online.
heres the link.

becoming vegan and junk food-free really limits my food choices.
im kinda glad i wasnt eating today,
because i would be like like wtf and fail miserably.

have a lovely day.

day one/thirty weight loss challenge
(ill post the full thing tomorrow)
day one::your stats

height:5'7"
hw:174
cw:130.5(as of an hour ago)
gw:115/110

january 12th, 2011. 131.
neck: 12 1/8
bust: 35.5
waist: 27
hips: 34
butt: 36.25
thighs: 36.75

honest.

im gonna be honest with you and say i haven't started yet,
tomorrow will be the first official day of my ten day challenge,
im also going vegan tomorrow...
oh, and i can drink soda again,
which should make fasting quite a bit easier.

thank you to everyone complimenting me on my vlog.
i really love you guys.

vlog and a challenge

hello guys!
i just wanted to say thank you very much in person.
i love all of you.

im also going to begin a challenge

(one of those 30 day tumblr challenges)

once i get down to an acceptable weight that i can share without cringing.

i finished wasted by marya hornbacher.
i liked it.
does anyone know where i can get unbearable lightness online?
like to read for free?

i couldnt sleep last night,
so i made a word document listing a bunch of drinks.
like coffee drinks, and then foods.
places that my friends and i go to.
everything i may order off their menus.
including some soy options for when i go vegan.
WHY DOES SOY MILK HAVE SO MUCH FAT?!
it was time consuming, but i feel slightly accomplished.

[[edit:: remind me never to eat after 10 pm. damn.]]

everyone, have a lovely day. (:

ive figured it out.

i feel alone.
i feel lonely.
(yes its different.)
i feel empty.
im trying to fill the emptiness i feel with food.
and that is just making it worse.

i dont know how to fix it.

it doesnt matter whether im at home alone,
or whether im with a bunch of people.
i always feel...

alone.

oh, and fat.

well.

i did post a post saying i was doing well.
but alas, i binged.
i have no excuses.
nor will i make any,
please dont say its okay. because it is most definitely not.
i shall post tonight when my stomach is empty and words flow.
but for now,
i am full and numb.

next time i do this,
im either going to take sleeping pills,
or im going to take a night walk.
although those kinda scare me...
ill get over it.

ph, and i just popped some laxatives.
tomorrow will be interesting.
damn this is fucked up,
but this is my life.
i feel like i should be a bad picture book.
certainly not for children.

i need some kind of new reminder
perhaps ill make a bracelet to remind myself of you girls
and what i need to do.
damn, i wish i could still cut.

i know why i havent been posting so much.

ive been binging.

and whenever i binge... i feel bad.
and i cant post.

but never fear!
im coming back!
with a 50 hour fast.
2/21/11 at 12 pm-2/23/11 at 2 pm.

i can do this.
i wish i could text my friends from here...
but my phone broke!
i wanted to text all of you this morning!
but when i fix it, you'll be the first to know.
i need your help. :P

i will be skinny this summer.
actually, by spring break.
we can do this.