Tuesday, November 30, 2010

for lack of a better title.

this mornings weight: 139.5 (yay!)
todays emotions: happy, with pinches of down (i wouldnt call it sad... just down)

i didnt get up again,
im thinking im going to have to redo this schedule thing.
because i am definitly a night owl...
even if i went to sleep early yesterday (11pm)

so today i went to dance!
for the first time in a very long time. (:
im glad i started again.
i feel so much happier,
because its part of my life now,
i knew i was missing something,
dance partly fills the gap that ice skating has left in my heart.

**edit: had a monster (20) plus a couple bites of random things (15ish?)

intake: 385 cal.
outtake:-250 cal (approx, what does about one hour of jazz burn... beats me)
total: 135 cal.

until tomorrow, ladies. (:


Monday, November 29, 2010

fail, not so fail, afraid.

so last night i went to sleep at 130ish, and woke up at a bright and early... 745am.
so failure to exercise,
and then school didnt have salads.
and then i didnt feel well so i didnt go to ballet,
but then i felt REALLY fat,
so i went for a 2 mile walk.

intake: 405 cal.
outtake: -175 cal.
total: 23o cal.

that is quite lovely. (:

i weighed myself in the morning: 141.5
i weighed myself before i took a shower: 140.5

we shall see in the mornin' (:

i feel like things are looking up,
todays emotions: happy and afraid.
im afraid of gaining weight,
im afraid of scaring away my friends,
im afraid of them not liking me anymore,
im afraid of being alone,
im afraid of growing up.

... but somehow i still feel like things are looking up,
probably because my weight is going down.
but still, i feel fatter than ever. :/

[[shit. my daddy is making fish, i love fish, im a bad vegetarian, its 10 pm, screw the damn fish.]]

Sunday, November 28, 2010


11.28.10 155am
the smell of this air reminds me of when this all started.

11.28.10 1030 am
maybe if i feel and look put together, my mind will follow and put itself together.

todays emotions: antisocial, weird, and happy.

just a warning, i ate a lot today.
but a new plan is coming.
since a new month is arriving!
its almost the end of another terrible year!

so lets assume im still 140.
my goal for the end of this year is 132.

the plan:
wake up: 630 am.
630-7ish: take walk/run; do crunches, squats, swims, backwards pushups, and sides.
7ish-730: get ready; drink tea; piece of fruit.
735: smoke. (optional--- if not, sleep in a bit)
745-4: school. (lunch = salad)
430: snack
6/7/8: dance/gym depending on the day.
[[M: ballet at 6; T: gym; W: jazz at 7; Th: hip hop at 8; F: none; S&S: gym]]
11: sleep.
[[weekends have exceptions to waking up and sleeping and such.]]

now the problem with this plan is that i will have to be very harsh with myself on waking up, and i have to find some sort of punishment.
morning exercises: 100 crunches, 25 squats, 10 swims, 15 backwards pushups, and 10 sides.
thats one rep, but i dont have any more time,
and this is only for this week,
ill up it next week based on this week, and the waking up shabang.

eating goals:
-i want to see how long i can go without junk. starting today [[7pm]]
-eat as little as possible, obviously.
-more water.

exercise goals:
-stick to the plan.

so im thinking im definitly gonna do this, ayye.
132 here i come!

Saturday, November 27, 2010


so after eating monstrous amounts of chips over my vacation i decided to have a fast.
it went on 39 hours, and made me feel like absolute shit,
i just wanted to beat my last record of 25. ... which i did.
but im back to 140.
i didnt weigh myself before i did this.
i was too afraid.
but i realized... i have 20 pounds to go. and i cant do this shit.
im starting dance again soon.
and so thatll help. and yeah.

but i was having an episode last night, i guess you could call it.
so i texted ryan... probably sounded like an insane person.
but he sounded like he didnt care... like he sorta did but not really.
i thinkim an attention whore.
i dont mean to be, but i just dont get enough love... anywhere.
i need more drugs. i was happy when i was high for 3 days straight.
.... damn, im fucked up.

also, my parents are making a family dinner.
like wtf? we never have these.
and if it wasnt for that i wouldnt be fucking eating ooohhh welll.

also, when i was out last night,
we were sitting in a coffee shop and i was thinking,
"im probably the only one here thinking about food"
and then i started laughing and they looked at me weird.
yup yup, im fucked up.

edit: about the family dinner,
i need to learn self control.
stop at one fucking piece of chocolate.
and dont let your mom telling you to eat meat when you have been a vegetarian for quite some time to piss you off then lead you to eat shit and drink more wine.
that is all.


Monday, November 22, 2010



why do i even bother with numbers,
i think i only do this so i feel not normal.

i have always strived not to be normal.
and im doing it pretty well.

so a couple days ago i got really irritated with myself and gave myself a couple rules to follow:
1. only zero calorie beverages
2. fruits and vegetables are a priority, always choose them over anything else.
3. just say no.
4. dont be a fatass.

i swear im trying, but this is a new lifestyle im trying to implement at the worst time.
im guessing i had around 800 today.
minus some for walking for like an hour.

i can do better,
i will be smaller.

also, remind me never to drive again.
i cant standing looking down and seeing my fat thighs sprawled across the seat.

also, ive been reading all your blogs, i just cant comment. i cant think of anything good to say. im mentally in a much better place now. no more suicide warnings. i guess i needed this vacation.

hope i have better news for you soon.
stay lovely. <3

Thursday, November 18, 2010

update, i s'pose.

my current emotions.

body shivering,
cold radiating outwards,
bundled, yet cold.

angry wrist staring back,
red and disgusted,
at my ugly shame.

cold fingers,
tracing the lines,
lines i made.

the numbers werent good enough,
the problems were too hard,
the yelling was too loud.

she cries,
no one sees,
they never do,
until it's too late.


i like the empty feeling in my stomache,
i hate the empty feeling im my heart,
like im no one.

i hate the full feeling in my heart,
like im drowning,
i hate the full feeling in my stomache,
because that means failure.

i like the pain,
i like the scars,
i dont like hiding.

i like secrets.

i like cigarettes,
i like coffee,
i like tea.

i like food,
i hate food.

i like feeling cold,
i like feeling burning.

i want to feel pain,
i dont want to feel anything.

im a mess.

im generally in a better mood. im going to start using names because i dont give a fuck anymore, excuse my language. thank you to the girls that actually read and commented on my last post. i told ryan all my secrets last night. i dont know why but he's so nice and he's just one of the only people i feel i can tell [[and when i started talking i was really tipsy, and he then kept asking questions.]] he told me some of his. will tols me that he "is attracted to me" and i was just like... whhhaaat? and then he was being weird so he drove me to where my other friends were and dropped me off. but in the care he told me i was pretty. and i just said... "i dont see it" because i dont. no one deserves to like a piece of messed up mental shit like me. and i dont deserve to be liked by anyone.

i dont want to write about food here anymore. because to be honest, it doesnt help.

im going on vacation today. i may be back, i might not.
i dont have any friends,
and no one loves me.

im lost,
im broken,
i hurt,
i just dont know.

im afraid of what im going to do,
i cut more than before,
and it scared me.

i cant tell anyone,
i have to tell someone.

i have to get through the day,
but i cant...
i cant.
i cant do this anymore.

i cant.
i need help,
i dont want help.
i need someone.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


i reached a goal weight yesterday,
but i need to get to 137 before i celebrate.
i dont know why.
but i do.

i have a really long post coming up,
when i do reach 137.
you dont have to read it.
but its been my diary for the past couple days.
i post more than once.
and i didnt want to tell you until i succeeded.

personal update:
i really really really like C.
like i didnt mean to at all.
but i think i just like guys in general.
like. V, from my dream.
we were at a club meeting today,
and i wouldnt mind kissing him.
hmm. i may have a problem?
eh. i guess ill just wait for another party.
then ill fuck shit up. (:

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Monday, November 15, 2010

i did eat today.

total: 395.

i promise im not slacking on blogging,
i just have something i need to do first.
before i post everything.
and when i do... im gonna have a really long post.
because i dont want to tell you about my progress until ive made some.

number of people who know i cut: 2.
C knows but he wont tell,
i asked him how he figured it out and he said,
that basically all the girls he's dated have done that.
so he started picking up on signs.
whoops. oh and i cut again today,
i hate feeling worthless and that numbing pain makes it better.
am i in too deep?
M knows too,
but she used to cut,
so she wont tell.
shes trying to talk me out of it.
ill convince her that im trying.
itll work...
because it helps.
and who cares about the scars.

and a bit of tmi,
for tmi tuesday. ;D
... oh... its monday. whoops.
i really need to hook up with someone.
maybe thatll help.
id love it to be C,
but i cant get alone time with him due to the fact that hes grounded.
and i wont be able to go there alone.
:/. oh well. the one thing i dont like about him is that he doesnt push his limits.
like i do, anyway.
likeonce my mom took my phone away.
so i took her phone and her wallet.
maybe im just a bad kid?

... this post ended up being much longer than i intended.

stay lovely.


im about to go through a frikken breakdown. ive fasted for 25 hours. and ivve only lost .5 lb. what is wrong with me? am i doing something wrong? yesterday all i had was a bunch of water, a cup of tea, and two cups of coke zero. and then on top of that, i took a walk (-75). i dont get it. why am i failing?


because im about to break.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

"pain is only as real as you allow it to be."

1. my skin is really sucking right now. like i dont know maybe i hit puberty again? impossible, but still. im not going to get into the details, but my face looks less than lovely. probably due to the junk ive been consuming. but that must stop considering i dont want to have an ugly face... thats like my only attribute [[for now]]. so the plan is eat fruits and veggies, and less simple carbs. yup.

1.5. i wrote 2 then realized i dont think i told you guys that i cut recently... it was more of an accident really but idk.

2. i hung out with C last night, with two other people in his basement, but still. ive come to terms that i like him, and im pretty sure he likes me. but last night... gah. i wish i had the ability to hide things better. okay so we were on the couch, and the other two people were playing wii. and he's like... so what are the ribbons for. and i dont remember whether i said i dont know or something of that nature. and then he says, well its pretty obvious. and then starts moving them and i snatched my wrist out of his hand. yup, he knows. and when i told him that no one else knows and probably dont care, he says thats not true! and really? im seriously surprised he noticed. and hes so naive to think people care, but i like that he has a positive outlook on the world that i dont have.

3. my first ex started talking to me again. i think he wants to see me or something, he said he misses me. but i dont know. i find that irrelevant. anyways, i believe hes 19 now? maybe. and well he offered to get me cigs. which would be really nice to have. but that means id have to meet him somewhere or have him drop them off at my house. and i really dont know what he wants in return. z

4. lastly, i want drugs.

Sarah: the pills i got from a friend... so no instructions. haha. and he is quite sexy. ;D
All.That.Wander.Are.Not.Lost: thanks for commenting dear, it means a lot. and like i said, i do like him, ill just have to get over that. haha.

stay lovely. <3

Thursday, November 11, 2010

this may be long...

actually it going to be really long.

but i doubt anyone actually reads my posts anymore, so yeah.

tuesday was okay, i had around 500.

wednesday i purposefully made bad, so everyone would stop bothering me about eating. its quite annoying but i know that i make it worse because i tend to say things out loud without realizing. but more on that later.

today so far ive had nothing, and i kinda want to make it fasting day, just because, i feel like it? [[ hahahahah. that didnt happen. at all. damn stressin school.]

1. i feel like a jokingly talk about anorexia, food, and depression too much. i feel like i may be raising suspicion. like i always complain how im hungry at lunch but cant eat anything. but i realized that annoys everyone else so ill just keep it to myself, and say im not hungry. because i shouldnt raise suspicion until i start reaching my friggin goals.

speaking of goals, wednesday morning i weighed in at 141. didnt weigh myself this morning. i dont know how im going to reward myself at 140. i think i may go shopping because i dont have any fitting pants and i want more pretty clothes. rather than tshirts.

2. yesterday for some unknown reason, i dreamt a lot. like i remembered a dream after i woke up from a nap, and when i woke up this morning. and they are both semi thinspo related to i guess ill share. (1) [there are five characters: C, V, S, (lol) my brother, and me] V, S, and i were walking through my house which was actually a coffee shop and went through the side door to a pool house which was my bedroom. S went inside and said i dont want to have anything to do with this. i leaned against the door and a wave of tiredness came over me and i slouched against the door. V says something like are you still want to do this. i meekly say yes, and we start making out. and he picks me up onto the ledge in the door. and im quite small may i add, all i remember is seeing slim thighs. :P. yeah then i wake up in the dream on the couch next to a shirtless C and i get up and my brother is waking up behind the couch and his face is all bloodied and what not. he says, what the hell... and punches C. i wake up when im freaking out about what to do and am getting ice. (2) [this one is quite sporadic] someone walks into my room saying i found weed on the ground! but there grass in it. so i dump the weed/grass on my bed and try to sort out the weed from the grass, then im in the bathroom and i see pills. they were either ephedra or adderall, and the person im talking to say yeah i dont want them you can have them. and then im sitting outside at a table and C and i arte just talking. (done) yeah, i have weird dreams. :P

3. i have over the counter diet pills. well a couple, but i dont know how and when to take them so yeah.

4. im an awful procrastinator. im currently at home because i have a speech due right now... yeahhh.

to All.That.Wander.Are.Not.Lost on .Obsessed & A Mess. : i keep wanting to post a comment but it wont let me, so hopefully you'll read this. i hope you feel better, and about the therapist , ive always wanted one but knew they wouldnt help, plus the fact that im poor means i wont be getting one. i hope we both find someone that helps us. stay lovely dearie. <3

when will someone finally notice me? :/

i dont know what C is thinking. but i think about him a lot.

egaaadd, why does he have to be grounded.

he's such a cute, whimsical nerddd. :P (:

well dears, stay lovely. <3

Monday, November 8, 2010

fuck average.

so today i visited magic club, hoping C would be there.
but this bitch i used to friends with kept coughing *bitch*
and im not paranoid, it was about me.
she has no fucking right.
so wronged me.
she just makes me so angry.
i wanted to go home and demolish kitchen.
but i didnt.
i simply had an apple and went to my room,
and read your lovely blogs. <3>
i dont need food,
i want to be lovely,
and people cant say shit to me.

sometimes i think i do this for the attention,
i dont want to,
but sometimes i feel like everyone ignores me,
because im not special because im average.
i dont want to be average.

ive had 160 calories so far.
-salad (80)
-apple ( 80)
[[total: 535]]

by doing this im probably messing myself up,
but i do so many things that do that anyway,
i mean who say drinking is wrong at 16, or smoking.
other than the government and doctors.
who the fuck cares about them.
they ruin my fun, and who says i want to live a long time anyway.
but i cant die fat and ugly.
that is not how i want to be remembered.

i think i weighed in at 143 this morning.
but i dont remember.
i should probably write these things down, maybe.

Sunday, November 7, 2010


i always have the need to overeat.
i just... i get stressed, happy, sad and i eat.

tomorrow. i get up,
smoke a cig,
and dont eat.
simple as that.
because if i smoke one...
then i cant eat,
because i get this nauseous-y feeling.

problem solved.
tomorrow i will eat under 400.
tomorrow i will weigh myself,
[[and probably cry]]
tomorrow, i wont fail.

and for the rest of today.
i dont deserve anything,
because im worthless.
i dont deserve anything.


i want to disappear,
because i know that no one will notice,
no one will care,
they never do, and never will.

Saturday, November 6, 2010


i feel like any amount of food now a days is too much.
like normal people would think of 120 calories as a small snack.
i feel like thats a huge meal.
these numbers are ruining my day.

i havent weighed myself in a while.
i keep forgetting, dont have time...
and im honestly afraid.
i want to have a really good day
before i weigh myself next.

dont even want to talk about it.

i went to the dentist this morning.
i want to get my frickken braces off.
but nope.
one unruly tooth will cause me to have them
for a month or two more.

oh well, ill deal.

right now,
im craving a crunchy salad.
or an apple.
but i had 120 cal of hummus and pita chips earlier.
it just feels like soo much.
too much. :/

i hate that this is starting to rule my head.
sometimes, i want to lose enough weight so people will start to care.
but i know that if they never did, they never will.
i do want to look lovely because being a whale isnt exactly pretty... at all.
this whole eating barely anything was probably acceptable when i was overweight.
but i guess it isnt now... since im not technically "overweight"
but all see is fat. and its annoying as fuck.
you know?
i wish i could see myself through other peoples eyes.
im so biased against myself.

lets be lovely,

Thursday, November 4, 2010

children, crepes, and cupcakes.

while at the circus yesterday,
i saw a child.
i know, i know. big whoop.
but she was just sitting there eating popcorn.
no worries, just watching and eating.
and im sitting there thinking...
there are so many flippin calories in popcorn,
yes, im going insane.

everytime i ate today i think...
i could do without this...
can i?
hmm... so far ive had 215 calories.
but im sure to eat a bit more.
[[edit:: i had 365. (:]]

im craving cheetos.

but i wont give in,
because i have crepe day tomorrow in french.
we eat crepes and think about how life is fan fucking tastic.
... i have a recovered anorexic in my class.
shes still really skinny... so im gonna see what she eats. :D
i may just have one... because im baking cupcakes after school tomorrow.
for C. (:

i think i like him... maybe.
i saw him in the hall today,
and my stomache just dropped,
and i couldnt help but smile.

im really tired though, i need to sleep more.
ive had 8.5 hours combined for two days.
i may take a nap right now, so my craving passes.

i didnt weigh myself this morning... didnt have the time.
i think i may be overdoing the font thing... so i think my next post will be one color, one font. haha.

lets be lovely,

fairly well.

i did fairly well today.

i broke up with him... officially.
i think someone asked me out today.
W, from my last post.
but i was going to the circus with my mama,
so i said im busy...

R texted me to hang out with C this weekend,
at his house... considering hes eternally grounded.
well, we'll see what happens.

i dont know how i feel about circuses,
i liked the general acrobatics... and its was funny.
but... i dont know... the continuous laughing was creepy.
but, hey, whatever gets me out of the house.
but this meant i had to spend time with my mother,
whenever i spend time with my mother,
i always tend to tell her about the personal stuff,
that i very much wish to keep to myself.

i did quite well with eating today.
salad and banana 115
peanuts 200
cucumber 15
popcorn 165
peanuts 25

i honestly guesstimated the numbers
so it would end up an even 600.
so thats not bad.

i weighed in at 144 this morning.
i hope its lower after today.
these high numbers are annoying.

stay lovely,

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

beautiful, inside and out.

thats what i want to be.

i think i might have broken up with my boyfriend... maybe?

so from now on, i have to focus on what i put into me, what i put out (meaning words, actions, and emotions), and how i look.

all the single ladies? haha.

i have rekindled my love for apples.
they're just so lovely and munchy.
i think the kind i have now is honey crisp apples?
something like that.

i may start a raw foods diet.
whats more natural and good for you than raw fruits and vegetables.
its the best thing you could put into yourself.
and so obviously you can get the most out of it.

but my problem is... my parents dont really buy fruits and veggies.
on account that we normally eat awfully.
... heres what i think we have:
3 apples (80)
grape tomatoes (half a package)
and pickles.
maybe some potatoes.
thats hardly enough for a regular healthy diet.
but i can have a salad at school... then i dont know.

personal life update:
i dont know what im doing anymore.
i just want to fuck everything up.
destroy every friendship i have and live a solitary life.
but i would go crazy.
because then i would have to spend my time at home.
which is worse.
i proposed a break with my long distance boyfriend.
but hes like i love you and laadeedaaddeedaa.
he just made me angry. and sad.
im sick of crying. and im tired of him.
idk, and i think two of my friends like me.
W and C. i dont really like W... but hes nice.
and i like C... enough... but hes eternally grounded.
on account of getting alcohol poisoning on friday.
but ive heard from two of his friends that he pretty much likes me.
but i dont know. no one deserves to like a fat whale.
but i did fb creep on his ex. haha. ... i have no frikken life.
well thats it.

like the new way of blogging?
im bored. (:


stay strong, lovely, and healthy dears. (:

Monday, November 1, 2010

im back.

i can feel it coming back,
covering the bones,
i worked so hard to show,
well, start to show.

im going to do a recap of everything that happened since "taking a break."

well i dont think anything happened until friday.
so we'll start there...
i went to this party at 8.
i was gonna get picked up at 11... so i was like.
ill only smoke a little.
but then they open the beers... so im like ill only have one.
then smoke a bit... then another beer... smoke a bowl... then a shot... a bit more weed... then another beer.
funny thing is.. the beer stopped the munchies... i wasnt hungry. haha.
lets just say i text a lot of people and call a lot of people.
i thought i could be straight for my dad at 11... but boy was that a fail.
i almost hooked up with someone... but i found out today that he doesnt remember a thing [he got alcohol poisoning... i didnt realize he was so drunk].
so since he doesnt remember, i guesss after the post i wont either... or bring it up.
i think i may like him though, but the problem is i have a boyfriend. and well... even though he's accross the mother fucking country that is morally incorrect.
im visiting my boyfriend over thanksgiving. but i think im gonna tell him that i want to take a break until i see him... because its torture for me. and then we can talk.

nothing really happened on saturday and sunday except i ate a lot.

i weigh 145 now. but i can already feel myself getting larger.
so now i start this again...
i know why im doing this.
because i want to be cared and loved. weird, huh.
because if i stay with my boyfriend i dont want him to think im just this fat chick he can do whatever he wants with. [i say this because he hasnt called me in 10 days... he left me a measly fb message on saturday though. whatever..]
and if i break up with him. i want other people to want me. i dont want to be discarded and forgotten.

yeah... here we go again.

effy from skins. i loooooveee her...