Friday, May 27, 2011

just because its sugar free doesnt mean its calorie free.

yeah, whoops.
i didnt binge yesterday.
but between the sugar free chocolate and the waten retension from pickles i gained three pounds between yesterday (128.5) and today (131.5).
i also didnt exactly count calories, so i could have gone way over my limit.
ive gone 4 days binge free so far, and im not stopping now.
summer will be my bitch.
also, i think i went out on a date yesterday.
so now i have three guys who are at least mildly interested in me.
in order of likingness:
russian boy, drifter boy #2, and hipster boy.
ive probably mentionned their names before... but this is more fun.

so, about that date.
we went with my best friend and her boyfriend.
we watched arthur (hilarious, btw).
we didnt do anything but we sat really close,
and he tickled me in the car. :P

i dont know what to do! im still fucking fat! if i lose 5 pounds i think this will be easier.
and by this... i mean life.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

silver haze, i love thee.

i smoked last night when i got home from hiking.
silver haze didnt give me the munchies.
i heard my stomache growling, but it felt cool so i didnt eat.
it really just made me hella thirsty.
and tea felt so nice warming up my insides.

hike, hike, hike.
i wish i did more.
it took my mother and i an hour to find the trail yesterday.
but once we did we only had 30 minutes to spare.
i was running on a fiber one bar (+90) and breakfast that had already been used up.
it was quite tiring.

i miraculously got the grade i need on my final to bring my french grade up.
3 a's and 3 b's for sofia this semester.

the only way i could have gotten that grade is with my new friend
mr. adderall.
i got up tuesday morning, and i couldnt study.
i knew i had to, but i couldnt concentrate.
then i remembered that i bought a pill a couple of months ago.
i thought, im not gonna need this over the summer... *swallow*
from then on my day got very productive.

hmm... i wrote this post reverse chronological order.
now for a current fact, im 128.5 with no intention of binging.
hope everyone is doing well. (:

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

defcon 3.

weight stabilizing. still semi-crisis mode.
135, today. should be even lower tomorrow.

intake: +630 cal.
exercise: -662 cal.
net: -32 cal.

so tell me, why couldnt i just be born skinny.

also, pants sizes confuse me.
size 6s (us) from charlotte russe are completely sliding off of me,
while a size 7 (us) from pacsun "fits".
just... blech.
i will never know the truth!

doing better, i knew the jumbled thought were due to too much food!
have a lovely day girlies.
i have two more finals tomorrow and then summer. (:

Monday, May 23, 2011

bad weekend.

i hit 130.5 and then fucked up to 139.
mostly water weight, ill update later on that.
my brain isnt working right.
i dont know whats wrong.
not smoking weed until i hit 125.
actually following through with that this time.
i feel jumbled up.
russian boy asked me out, i dont know if i like him.
still want to hook up with someone else.
i dont know why im telling you this, you wont care.
my brain hurts.
i have two finals left.
i hope this made a little sense.

Friday, May 20, 2011


my friend didnt even want to running.
i ate all that food for nothing.
but i maintained 130.5 so thats good.
i ended up having a lot more than planned.
but i didnt binge. i was in control.

intake: 672 cal.
(which honestly had me freaking out)
exercise: -710 cal.
net intake: -38 cal.
negatives yayyy!

i cry a lot easier now,
the slightest insult
or the look of disappointment on my moms face.
i just cant take it.
im not strong enough to do everything right...
so i screw everything up.

but no need to be depressing! :P
stay lovely.

i want to disappear.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

i could keep going...

but i have commitments to keep.

ive been fasting since monday 11 pm.
at 1 am 5/19 ill beat my record of 50 hours.
and i dont plan on being up until 7-9 so thatll extend it to 56-58.
i could keep going, im not really hungry.
but all day today i felt like fainting.
and i have to run 3-6 miles with my friend tomorrow. along with an hour and half long dance class.
im honestly scared to eat so ill make a game plan...
B: oatmeal (50), maybe blueberries
L: 2/3 c. mixed veggies (60)/ 1/2 apple (40)/ carrots (35)/ sugar snap peas (35) --pick one in the morning.
S: french toast (50)/ egg whites (30) [maybe] w. 1/2 green pepper (16)
D: this one is gonna be an issue. itll probably be one of the things from lunch.

bye lovelies.
ill be reading. (:

p.s. i was 132.5 this morning, and 131 just recently.
my goal is 129 with jackie on monday. (:
i might take a walk later.

Monday, May 16, 2011


i go through periods of good and bad,
the days seem so long,
i cant tell sometimes.

weed makes me eat so much.
but i waked and baked today,
and im doing relatively good.

lately, ive been getting bouts of anxiety attacks.
sometimes its from the occasional nicotine withdrawal,
but sometimes i just cant handle when everything's a mess.
like yesterday, i made my mom clean the pantry out with me.
and prepackaging is doing me wonders.
i dont have to worry about calories because i know what i put into the bag. :D

i want to disappear.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

boring and still negative, yet happy!

im tired, so ill make this quick.
i woke up at the early hour of 9 am. 133. had 5 grapes (15) as i walked out the door.
got to school and had a
monster zero (0) and took my english end of course test.
my tummy growled a lot, but then i went to some classes. skipped a french test for lunch.
carrots (35). mello yello zero (0), i havent had one of those in forever.
ended up having to take that french test during class.
got through the rest of the day.
came home, and mini binged ofc, as expected.
1/4 green pepper (8), salad (20), ice cream (50), jello (10), tofu (125), cabbage (25).
did some computer surfing, went to jazz
(-280), went to the gym(-285), got some protein and foodz in me. egg whites (30), mushrooms (28), cabbage (25), vanilla yogurt with cinnamon (36) which tasted like cake btw.
went to cvs for more dr. pepper. ate again... i dont know what was wrong with me today.
cabbage (15).
then i went for a walk
(-75). chocolate (100)
....and i think thats it.

i feel like i just wasted at least 5 minutes of your time. sorrey!

intake total: 522 cal.
(im okay with this since this is around500... i guess, still too much.)
exercise: -640 cal.
net intake: -118 cal.

hope everyone has a lovely day/night!
much love,
im reading, always. (:

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

i couldnt decide what to eat, so i had a cigarette and diet soda instead.

still 134.
still talking to russian boy.
happily. (:

took ap physics today, le failed.
i looked at the test... and just laughed.
my teacher is absolute SHIT.

im trying to keep in the negative net intakes.
heres my day broken down:
egg whites(30)+1/4 green pepper(8)=breakfast(38)
2 mints (40.smh.)=testing(40)
salad(60)+sugar snap peas(40)+ pita bread(80)+ hummus(70)+ blueberries(20)=lunch/mini binge(250)
dinner: none (0)
total intake: 328
walking (-80)

net total = -32 cal

well, i think boring me is done for now.
struggle2bethin: i like tea plain, but i do mix in something along the lines of stevia/splenda.
starvingforperfection: im pretty positive that splenda has no calories. and i followed you. (: also, from my last post. i get most of my pictures from tumblr.
ELLE-usive Dream: i did rip my hair out, and had multiple breakdowns. go school! haha.
thank you to everyone who complimented me.i dont deserve it, those shorts are flattering and covered up my fat thighs. :P

much love,

Monday, May 9, 2011

my tea collection?

my personal life is a drag,
so heres some tea...

the only one thats missing is yogi green tea superantioxidant (my favourite)
and the bags of tea from cinnamon brown. (:
which are absolutely SCRUMPTIOUS.

i signed up to take my license test on the 18th of june. (:
freedom awaits.
thats my momma's birthday, so idk how thats gonna be. haha.
but im really excited.

ive been flirting with two boys.
its all fun and games.

i went to the gym today,
i went running with my friend yesterday.
i dont like treadmills.

im tired of being fat,
my stomach is actually looking okay.

i talk aboutmyself too much...
but then again, this is my blog...

i have an ap test tomorrow.
physics, fuck me sideways and with two dimensional oscillatory motion.
i wont enjoy it.

heres a picture of me youll probably think is disgusting.
i took this before i went tanning,
i wanted to unzip my jacket, but my stomach looked gross.

hey look its me!

i never know what to write anymore,
so... question?!
if anyone has anything theyd like to ask, ask!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

new inspiration && thinspo. (:

one of my former friends called me fat.
now i have to be skinnier than she claims to be.
which is 125.
(which she doesnt weigh, btw.
but i have to do this asap.
133.5 this morning.
then i went and took the ap calc ab exam. i died.

it needs to get warmer.

im fucking cold again.
and im tired of it.
i need the sun to warm the bones im starving for.
tomorrow, please bring smiles.

Monday, May 2, 2011


i was 136 this morning.
numbers arent going anywhere.
"situations" by escape the fate reminds me of matt.
such a dumb fuck.
i saw him on saturday.
completely ignored my existence, but i know he saw me.

ive been flirting with a different boy.
russian boy, ill call him.
he's not attractive, or i dont know.
im just tired of being alone and unwanted.

ap exams start tomorrow.
i have calc on wednesday and physics the following monday.
im also taking the SAT on saturday.
fuck me with a frikken chainsaw.

i really need to do something about my expansive size.
speaking of which...
i threw away all the food i was mad at this weekend.
and im not baking for a very long time.

this concludes todays account of failure.
i shall now commence blog reading for the first time in a while.
love you all. *muah*