Wednesday, September 14, 2011

i have a small frame, and im determined to see it.

nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

im fat, kids.
ive been in a fast/binge cycle.
its horrendous.

i went to a meeting for nyu today.
lets just say it made me feel entirely insignificant.
i had an anxiety attack afterwards... that was fun.
so i decided,
if i cant succeed anywhere, the least i can do is be skinny.
i didnt succeed in that today. but tomorrow is another day.
and i will not fail.

i will be beautiful.
i will be fragile.
i will be dainty.
i will be me.

i have until the end of this year to get to 118.
im probably around 140 by now with my fattyness.
ill be getting to the gym at least once a day.
and i will be calorie counting.
and i will report good news next time i post.
have good day, lovelies.


  1. Lol I just recently came back to my blog weighing 10 lbs more then i promised i would, so I know how you feel. binging cycles are not easy to get out of.

    creepy question but how tall are you?

  2. That binge-starve cycle is so hard to break. I'm trying my darndest, though.

    Hope the feelings of insignificance pass. I've been reading your blog for a looooong time and I can promise you, you are NOT insignificant. You are clever and funny and unique, and I love you!!

  3. You are already beautiful. Don't forget it.

  4. i know the feeling about going to those meetings. You can do whatever you set your mind to.
    good luck and be safe :)
    your gorgeous ok!

  5. Hope things work out better for you tomorrow:)
    You are far from insignificant.

  6. starving and binging is my enemy. i would go to college(community college so i live at home/commute to class) and be fine. skip my breakfast or have a small serving of fruit and coffee. eat some carrot sticks between class, more coffee, water. perfect.

    but as soon as i got home, FOOD. i would eat and eat and eat and eat. everything and anything. consciously enough, i knew i was eating. i knew i wanted it, and i did want to eat it, and that i(my body) needed it. sometimes i would be totaling up the calories as i ate them, but regardless, i could not stop. not until i really was in over my head. crackers, chips, pasta, bread with butter, popcorn, peanut butter, cookies, cheese, chocolate milk.... all of the bad stuff i normally(or as normal as a person with an eating disorder can be) not eat.

    i think for me, the trick was knowing when to eat. at the right time to evade a binge, or being so starved and causing the avalanche of the affects that starvation brings(irrational thought process etc). being able to hold off on eating so as to prevent being hungry again a half hour later, but not waiting too long to where i'm so hungry that i'll eat more than i should. that was a struggle. since it's not normal for someone with an ED to think in terms of "feeding themselves" or "taking care/being nice" to your own body. it's an odd concept.

    eh, well...that is my story, but i'm sure your's is not the same. good luck to you, and plenty of love on top of that<3

  7. 118 is my goal too! but I've been stuck at 134 for months. no matter what I do, binge or starve, exercise of be lazy. I don't go up or down. it's nice not to go up but I want to be thinner!!
    don't worry too much about the future all at once. it'll take a long time to get there, so that means you have a lot of time to figure it out. you'll be fine, deary.
    text me if you need some motivation :)

  8. Can we do this together please? 120 is my goal for new years. I refuse to go 1 more year saying "I'm seriously going to get skinny this time." I need a buddy.