i think i may have to take a break from this.

i need to get my priorities in order.
i have no drive to do this.
and without any kind of inspiration...
im just lost.

i have nothing stopping me from eating.
and i was doing perfectly fine until an hour ago.
damn grocery store.

i will be back,
but for now... i need something,
i dont know what.

be back soon, <3

p.s. thank you for all the lovely encouraging messages.

blah.

did bad today.
big lunch AND big dinner.
kill me now.
i have posting this though, because i feel like such a disappointment to you guys.
but... i dont really have anyone else to tell.
i had around 1600.
and anyone else would say thats "normal"
what the hell is normal anyway?

new rules:
1. i hate pizza.
2. i hate chocolate.
3. i hate fries.
4. i hate cookies.
5. i hate chips.
... i think thats it.
those are the foods i normally binge on.
but never again!... i hope.

even though ive been having bad days recently... ive found a gap inbetween my legs that i never noticed before... makes me kinda proud that all those days i used to spend hungry didnt torture me for no reason. and if i did it once i can do it again.

while binging today i heard a voice in my head... it was saying not to eat... at least only eat the strawberries... stop!... but it was so tiny... i couldnt hear it after i shoved all that food in my mouth.

and now i feel nauseous... and my dad made steak which is REALLY REALLY gross [im a vegetarian] and it just makes me feel even worse... and now my heart hurts... and damn, im just full of complaints.

tomorrow will be better. i promise all of you.
i will not disappoint you.

thank you.

to everyone who commented on my last post.
Sofia Bee, Bella, Xo-glass-slippers-oX, Mich, and teaspoon.
thank you very very much.

you guys are the reason i stopped myself from overeating today.
i ate around 800.
i know its a bit high... but its only cuz i had 500 at lunch.
DAMN FRIES! GO TO FUCKING HELL!

that is all for today.
<3

im going to get back on track.

ive had a bad weekend, eating wise.
but its a new week.
and by halloween, i AM going to be under 140.

got it? good.

<3

i smile when my tummy rumbles.

todays weight: 143.5
.... i think.

intake: 520 cal.

i had an incident with hummus today,
i had had a 100 calorie meal already when i took it out.
and i dropped it.
so obviously its a sign that i shouldnt eat it.
right? eh, oh well.

i decided that i wouldnt smoke until friday night,
i dont want to get addicted or whatever,
because i already find myself wanting more... xP

btw, hello 20 followers!
i love you all, and hope youre doing well.

until tomorrow, xo.

im still a friggin idiot.

so i went for a smoke like and hour ago and came home like 15 minutes later.
i thought nothing of it.
i rolled around in some grass so i would smell of it too bad.
and i had been out for a walk once earlier.
and get this.
my dads like, hey can i ask you something?
and im like sure... *keeps walking*
i started to fill up my waterbottle.
and hes like, have you been smoking?
-astonished face- -thinks shit i still smell like it-
oh well, i just have to be more careful.
and buy another lighter since mine is... well i only have one and i want to keep it on my bedside table when im at school so my parents dont think about it.

i had about 650 calories today,
would have been less if my brother hadnt gone to the store and came back with chips (150), or the cake i had (100) xP

oh well tomorrow is another day.
i went to the neurologist today for my messed up foot.
and hes said he wants to do an MRI on my back.
and they weighed me there.
147.3... i really need to get a new scale.
i weighed myself when i got home 143.5...
so conclusion: my scale is 3.2 lbs off,
it tells me i weigh less than i really do,
but imma go by my numbers... since theyre all ive got.

im not going to lunch tomorrow since i have to make up the test i missed today.
itll be my third day in a row with lunch,
not so hard, eh?

i think the cig i had was a marlboro menthol,
well whatever it was it was delicious.

till later. <3

sickly?

i had around 1100 today,
i know, thats a lot,
just call me a freakin elephant and get it over with.

its 2 am. and im hungry.
i guess thats good... but i ate so much...
i wonder how.

i went home early today,
i felt sick so i called my mom.
and she picked me up.
and im going home early tomorrow as well,
for a neurologist appointment.
i think i forgot to mention this earlier.
i pinched a nerve in my leg and am now not able to flex my foot, or walk normally.
which has been causing quite the strain in my exercising...
the little exercise i do.

heres tomorrows plan:
B: cig and light mocha (100)
L: something light before the doctor, maybe yogurt (80).
... i dont like plans.
i never follow them anyway.
something unexpected happens, and then everything goes to shit.
fuck this. the plan is: eat as little as possible, kay cools.

later.

i have to start using my common sense,
dont smoke a cig inside your fucking room.
me = idiot.

i ate quite a bit today.
but todays weight 144.5... i think.
i dont remember.

but heres the plan for tomorrow.
B: light mocha frapp (100), with a bit of cig (i didnt smoke the entire thing, i have to do this away from my house)
L: none, or salad (100)
D: (after school) banana (100), coke (0)
S: hummus and pita chips (200)

the dinner and snack might switch. haha.

but thats the plan that hopefully wont fail.
... i hope.

yeah, i dont feel like talking right now.
i lit up a cig in my room,
bad idea i know. but it still smells like it,
and im kinda worried now,
any suggestions?

well, later.

thinspo to keep my going while my tummy doesnt want to.

a dream and what i gather.

i think i want to do this so i feel wanted.
im sick of being put off.
im sick of being ignored.
i just want to walk by a group of people,
well a group of guys,
and i want them to be like shiiiiitttttt (in a good way)

the reason i say this is because i woke up recently from a really strange dream.
well it wasnt strange... i understand why i had it.
so here it goes.
i think i was skipping school or something. but i was still on school property, and this guy i used to like but my friend was dating was sitting next to me. ofc he didnt want me because i was fat... and am still fat... but i was really skinny in this dream. and we were just sitting with our backs to this brick wall. and then he looks at me turns my chin and kisses me. and then i was like... -WAIT- i cant do this! if you dont know... i have a boyfriend. and even in my dreams i remember about him... after. now dont get me wrong i havent cheated on him, hes just so far away (portland, while i live in atlanta). and then (part 2) there was like 15 of us going behind a baseball field trying to get off school property to skip. there were like three people in front of me and everyone else was behind. and he were making a lot of noise. and then all of a sudden everyone said sshhhhh at the same time. and that caught the girls softball team's attention. and then they went up to the fence, we were hidden by trees right next to the fence. but then i book it and run to the edge of the fence... but then i either fell or purposely fell to the ground... or something. and then i get spidey skills and jump across this fence thing, alone, because everyone else was getting caught by the police... i didnt check but i heard sirens. and then i kept running.

so what i gather from this dream...
1. i want to be skinny.
2. i want to hook up with someone.
3. i dont want to be at school, ever.
4. i want to be skinny.
5. i dont want to be fat.
6. i want to be skinny so people will want me.
7.... skinny?

so i will stop eating today... until i cave. im going to get coffee at 8 today. but ill try to drink as little as possible. because i cant drink it black.

see heres the problem, ive been eating like shit the past couple of days. i went to the doctor yesterday... 147 FML. and then i proceeded to get superdy doopardly high that night and eat a lot of cake when i got home. whoops. but i weighed myself this morning. 144.5 i mean... that means i still havent lost anything. see, maintaining my weight isnt the problem. its losing it thats the problem.

and if you have stuck with my throught this entire post.. i love you. and thank you. and good luck with your own goals.

this mean i have only lost 1.5 lbs so far and have 6.5 to go in 2 weeks.

can i do it? YES. will i do it? YES.

i will be wanted.

day 16/35.

halfway point
jeez. i fail.
yesterday i weighed 143.5,
today 144.5.
but im not surprised i had like 2000 calories yesterday.
i didnt have any drugs or anything else to fill up the void.
so i filled up my tummy.

but i did a lot better today.
im done eating. its 10 pm.
ive had 395. (:

but tomorrow, as wednesdays always are.
is WEED WEDNESDAY.
one of my fav days. (:
i know its bad... but i love the munchies.
like i dont feel guilty for eating im not thinking.
just doing what i want... for once.
but then i feel guilty later.
but ill just compensate with restricting thursday.
im doing quite well with the every other day,
restrict then eat a bunch thing.
unfortunatly the scale doesnt like that.

and i want less on the scale,
so ill try to contain myself in my happy stupor tomorrow.

also: i have the eating habits of an obese person.
like im a COMPLETE emotional eater.
and its irritating.
because i do that, and then im like... why even bother.
but, i must overcome this.

the reason i ate so little.
is because i ate so much yesterday,
so i still felt nauseous and not hungry.
so i was like not gonna eat if my tummy isnt even hungry.
but then my tummy growled on the bus home,
so i had a bit.
then i had a bit after dance,
then i treated myself a bit.
120 calories of reeses and cheetos.
it wasnt a lot, but it made me feel content.
hmm. interesting.

until later. (: <3

day 11/35.

i broke all my rules,
oh well, rules are stupid anyhow.

i smoked yesterday,
it was... fun FUCKING tastic.
no joke.
my only problem is i had to go back to school afterwards.
i didnt have to go to class.
but i had to wait 30 minutes for the bus.
and everyone was laughing at me.
because i was laughing so much.
its quite uncommon for me.

well, then i got home.
demolished my kitchen due to the munchies.
and by the time i realized it, it was too late.
so i went to sleep for five hours.
woke up. ate some more.
did some homework.
then my boyfriend calls me to tell me that he wont be able to visit till winter break.
-emotional breakdown time-
and let me tell you. its an awful thing being sad and high.
its quite confusing.

this means, im staying here for halloween.
but i might be able to go visit him for thanksgiving
since my cousins live over there.
3 hours away driving.

but heres THE AWESOME GOOD NEWS
my calorie total for today: 300.
hellz to the mother fucking yeah.
i havent eaten this little in a while.
and yeah i stopped myself from eating a couple times...
but only because i wasnt hungry.
like heres my intake.
lunch : salad (100)
dinner: soup (55), bread (20), sushi (70)
snack: cheesecake (60)

oh right, another reason why i didnt eat so much is because food just didnt taste good today.
liek yesterday i was foodgasming over cinnamon toast crunch.
eh, dont judge, its what the munchies does.
and then today... everything just tasted bland.
like, i got home and made myself dinner.
dinner at 4 pm... woot!
i made myself 60 calories worth of soup, 120 worth of bread, and like 100 worth of sushi.
... but then i didnt finish any of it... i was like wtf.

oh well.
better for me. (:

ill weigh myself tomorrow.
im actually kinda excited.
and nervous.
wish me luck

end of week one aka 7/35.

weight on the scale: 145.
weight lost this week: 1 lb.

todays intake: around 900.
i just feel bleh.
and then i had a breakdown when i was on the phone with my boyfriend.
so THAT was awesome.

i just keep thinking.
why bother.
i could just give up.
but i cant, i just cant.
this is the only thing thats mine.
the only thing in life i can control.
i can even control my fucking emotions.
so i will do this.
and i have specific goals for this week.

GOALS:
-only one soda a day, if that.
-go the gym everyday, shoot for everyday, at least 5 times this week, and do cardio for 30-45 minutes.
-keep calories from 500-800.

i need to learn that just because i over eat one part of the day,
doesnt mean i need to fuck of the rest of the day.
i mean thats common sense.
also, my parents need to stop buying bread. and cheese. and desserts.
their fat asses dont need it, and neither does mine.
oh, im awful.
i cant judge them when im just as bad.
sofia, this isnt drugs, you can just say no, i dont want any.
haha. im actually really nervous to smoke again.
i used to love the munchies for some reason,
but now i know im gonna hate it.
and ugh. maybe i should just... not smoke.

but im so fucking stressedddd.
maybe ill just bring fruit with me when i go do that.
maybe.
i hope the scale is nice tomorrow.
-crosses fingers-
i feel like i should name my scale.
then i can be like... i hate darla. or roberta.
but i dont like either of those names.
actually... hm im weird. okay im going to sleep.
considering its almost 1 am.

until tomorrow. (:

[[just a stray thought: ive realized i like waking up. my day starts out with zero calories... and i can keep it like that for at least 4 hours. and then its at 100 for four more hours and then after that im on my own. but those first 8 hours are absolute bliss. i feel empty and wonderful. why dont i think about that at night when im stuffing myself? i dont know.]]

day 6/35.

todays weight: 143!!!!
todays intake: REALLY BAD. 1600ish. i dont even want to count.

i dont understand why i hurt myself.
this is the only thing in my life that i can actually truly control,
what i eat.
and then i fuck it up.
i was doing really well earlier.
ugh.
like at 230 i had a salad from atlanta bread company.
but i didnt eat the croutons. and had only half the dressing.
but i did eat the bread. :(
then at 8 i had egg drop soup with crackers.
then at 9 i stopped by caribou coffee.
and not know how many calories were in a cup.
i had a vanilla white chocolate mocha...
i looked it up later 500 FUCKING CALORIES.
WHAT THE FUCK.
and then i got home and had vegan cheese and crackers.
then i just had half a tortilla with cheese and a soy dog.

like what the fuck is wrong with me.
this is my second screwup day out of 5.
and i was doing so well thursday and friday. :(
i hope the scale is nice tomorrow.
otherwise im gonna shoot for 500 tomorrow.
well im gonna shoot for 500 anyway.

uugghhh. also, my mom thinks im skinny.
but thats such a lie.
i think its because she found the tips and tricks i printed last year.
shes like dont hurt yourseld.
and idk. im not. and i think one of friends my have seen the scars on my wrist today.
i hope not. that might be difficult to deal with.

damn it.
DAMN IT.
DAMN IT.

tomorrow is a new day, and i demand to do better.
SOFIA, get it together, for your own sake.

day 5/35

back to square one 146.
but i had a good eating day today.
~557.
and that only because i went out. (:
i like going out because then i dont have to think about eating. woot.
and there was a really cute guy there,
but darn im taken by my baby. (:
which i am perfectly okay with.
if only he was closer. :P
oh well, everyday is another day closer to when i see him.

and since i went out that means i exercised a bit too.
running and walking places. WOOT. haha.
although my parents flipped a shit. theyll have to deal.
because i wanna go out tomorrow too. haha.

ill just have to do sat in the morning.
ehh. but im nervous because they want to go out to eat lunch. :P
i might be able to get away with just a drink.
maybe, but they know i barely eat.
so maybe ill just say i have no money?
but then we're going shopping so idk.

i mean im not buying clothes because im saving up my money.
but. yeah, that reminds me. i need clothes.
but im afraid to go shopping. :P

<3