Sunday, January 30, 2011

honest scrap award.

thank you to whomever gave this to me in the first place. it was a while ago, so im sorry i dont remember.

ten facts:
1. i was born in russia. i have lived in connecticut, canada, and now reside in georgia.
2. i am not a citizen of the u.s. i do have a greencard though.
3. i used to ice skate really well. i want to try again, but im afraid its too late. i dance now.
4. im good at math.
5. i have several strange pet peeves. one being, i hate it when people eat in their cars, especially fast food. it disgusts me.
6. i love crunches.
7. im probably addicted to cigarettes.
8. im addicted to baking, and it sucks because i binge every time.
9. i want to be an actress. im starting in acting class in the end of february.
10. im afraid.

and i can say i can pick 5 people for this award. you all are too lovely. and i would give it to all of you, but i personally was afraid to even make this post. i hate thinking about myself and who i am, so i shall spare you the act.

p.s. i dont know what im doing. im not going to write another post for a while. im trying to figure stuff out.

Friday, January 28, 2011

i live off diet coke and tears.

no seriously,
that is how i lived today.

todays weigh-in:
QUITE irritated.


with 3 hours of sleep i went to school,
took two tests,
and pretended to listen.

i then went home,
and took a three hour nap.
oh how i love naps.

i went to dance,
received a lot of compliments,
and i was like. oh, wow thanks.
then i went to the gym
(day 4/21! getting there!)
ellipticalized and then started biking.
about 10 minutes into my bike workout,
a man comes up to me.
i recognized him from when i used to go to the gym when i was 10 for ice skating.
he asks, are you a model?
i think, are you kidding?
i say, oh no im not.
he says, well you should, i thought you were.
and then he proceeds to ask me about school.
it was nice.
but i was like, LIES.

i just got a call from my friend,
apparently, she hasnt been eating in three days.
and she dropped to 126.
she weighed 135 like last week or the week before.
fml, i hate her and her asian metabolism.

ill be lower tomorrow...
and the next day...
and the next...
until i disappear....

p.s. after the guy asked me about modeling or whatnot,
i proceeded to think...
maybe 100 is a better goal.
oh god, what am i doing...
you know, if i believed in god that comment would make sense.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

yesterday someone questioned me.

she asked, why are you so quiet? this is so unlike you.
this is how i know im changing.
more antisocial, quieter, hard to reach.
i hate my home too much to become completely antisocial...
but i dont know what im doing,
im afraid of being annoying.
all my life i have been described as annoying.

todays weigh-in:
128 lb.
but! i weighed myself just now...
it said 127.5-128. so lower tomorrow morning?!

this morning i started freaking out.
i had had over 500 calories before 9 am.
so i freaked and said.
stop. i am going to follow this plan. and i will not count today.
well i counted anyways.
haha. soo...
approx. 835-400=
435 cal.
hopefully that boosted my metabolism...
i hated eating that much.
1 cup of rice was like whoooaaa there im hella full.
im fasting tomorrow. (:

apparently, according to my parents, i have halved in size.
i really dont see it. thats probably bad.

im starting to like the gym.
good procrastination tool. (:

i hung out with matt and friends today.
it was weird, im not gonna lie.
but honestly, ill take anyone who treats me right.
my daddy freaked when i came home in a loud car with a boy. :D

opinion time!
could sudden weight loss cause nervous system issues?
because my eyes have been out of wack, and i have drop foot. :P
also, the backs of my knees hurt.
like your knee pit? haha.
i dont know what its called. any suggestions?

its 3 am... i should probably sleep.
if i need a tad bit of energy tomorrow before the gym
i will allow soup (60)...
i have 1 hr of hip hop, then the gym.
so i think thats a good compromise.

i went grocery shopping today
i bought 110 calorie oatmeal packs.
and baking stuff.
im baking this weekend if i havent mentioned.
im going bake to my middle school cooking class.
haha. think funnel cakes and puppy chow.
but thats not all!...
im an idiot.
im sabotaging myself.
im also rambling.

also, it seems like everyone here doesnt stay sane...
well good, insanity is a lovely trait. (:

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

another bland day.

another bland outlook.

todays weigh-in:
128 lb.
again. :(. even with a negative intake. :((.

2 fake chicken pieces (73)
salsa (25)
salad (50)
fake beef (60)
jazz (-200)
elliptical (-250)
stationary bike (-50)
-292 cal.
i better fucking lose.

this gm is pissing me off.
im gonna complete it,
but im sure as hell not gonna do it again...
although it has kept me from binging.
but i have barely lost anything?!!?
i dont get it. this is my second negative intake day...
maybe i need to eat more to boost my metabolism?
idk, ill figure it out after my fast day on thursday.
then im baking friday and saturday. :P
its a bad addiction.

i get out of school early tomorrow.
1245 pm.
dont know whether im staying.
for film club, for study session...
maybe ill ask matt if he wants to hang out?
he is free, after all.

im getting boring.
day 2/21 days of the gym is over.
today was easier, i think.
i get cold very easily, and for some reason...
i was working out and sweating...
and i was cold.
ahh dunn gett ittt.

any tips on remaining sane?
please help in the comments. (:
stay lovely.

so i will work at it until i do, aye?

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

blah blah blah. thats what i sound like in my own head.

i forgot to tell you guys.
yesterday, i almost blacked out in the hallway.
my mom was behind me...
she asks, whats wrong?
i say, headache.
she continues, you havent been eating enough. what do you want to be, 100 pounds?
i say, no no... thats too little.
she responds, so you do want to be a certain weight!
i, speaking as i walk out, i dont know what youre talking about.
baahhhhh. irritating.

todays weigh-in:
128 lb.

today was actually interesting.
i couldnt finish the tomatoes i put out for myself to eat.
i had 2 fake chicken things (73) + 2 serves fake sausage (120) + four tomatoes (100)
[[i cheated a little-- bread thing (round up to 100)]]
today is day one of twenty one days to everyday gyming.
i went to ballet (approx. -200) then with elliptical and bike (-250)

for those asking im on the gm diet,
details are in the "my skin" tab.
speaking of tabs,
i made a new one: "my hatehandles"
this is my exercise diary.

speaking of new things:
i made an aim, to izzy's request.
toaskinnysofia. (:

to clarify, i already knew she was ana.
i thought she was "recovered: so i didnt really bring it up.
but shes struggling, so i decided to put in my two cents.
even though shes been at it way longer than i have.

shhhh.... this morning i waked and baked.
i prevailed over the munchies!
go me!

and now i say farewell,
because i am tired.

Monday, January 24, 2011

this is my 200th post.

i wish i had something exciting to tell you.
but that i do not.

today's weigh-in:
129 lb.
again. :(
i hate maintaining.

today was bananas and milk.
i cheated a little bit. and i went a little over board. :P
my intake is higher (705). but its been around 400 for 3 days.
and ive barely lost. so maybe itll start up.
i hate this day, but tomorrow will be even worse.
i have chocolates sitting next to me.
and i now know where my mother hides the candy.
and im afraid. :/

i was texting people and matt all day,
while trying to get homework done.
i hate homework. sundays suck.
he asked me to hang out, and i had to say no. :(

i need to start getting to the gym.

im really boring.

i need to get more freedoms from my parents.
like matt asked me to hang out during the week,
and im like... ah dunno if i cann! bahhh.
5 points if you can guess what movie that's from.

im not looking forward to only tomatoes and fake meat tomorrow.
i have 4 tomatoes cut up.
and i have fake chicken, and fake sausage.
im sticking with it this time.
but seriously, ick.

i will get through this.
and it will be the last time i try this horrid diet.

p.s. i now know someone ana irl. and she knows i am too. and shes fine with it. i find this quite humorous.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

be good to your body.

your body doesnt need massive amounts of fat, carbs, and sodium.
why are you giving your body all these bad things?
you have one body your entire life.
treat it well.

(this stemmed from the fact that
i believe that basically all binges are psychological.)

todays weigh-in:
129 lb.

day two went alright with:
365 cal. all veggies.
day three ended with:
385 cal. fruits and veggies.

i dont have a lot to say again. haha.
my life has gotten quite a bit boring with the start of school.
i went out to dinner last night with a my friends.
the friend i asked to set me up with someone, her boy, matt (DRIFERBOYY(: ) and this other dude.
i didnt eat... because this would be hard to explain. haha.
i just sat there drinking my lemon water, and fidgeting. as always.
hes cute. and nice. like, when i said i was cold, (as always),
he gave me his jacket even though i was already wearing one.
and he only had on a short sleeve tshirt. i felt bad. haha.

im texting him right now. (:

i think thats all.
sorry i didnt post yesterday.
i was super tired,
and my mom like to yell at me every second im home.
later girllieesss.

p.s. i feel lonely too often.

Friday, January 21, 2011

"im going in for the kill. im doing it for a thrill."

i dont really have much to say. day one went fantastically. i love the fruit days. (: 131 this morning. i should be in the 120s again tomorrow.

if you would like to amuse yourself and have some spare time, please take a little look at my formspring. dont worry! im not hurt by anything said. ive grown a tough skin recently.... (maybe).

i went to hiphop today. i received compliments... it was silly. also, i got singled out for doing something right, woot! who would have thought i could do something right! amazing, i know. (:

this is the picture i wanted to show yesterday, i saw it on tumblr.
if everyones hands are different... why are weights/measurements the same... i dont understand.
i get that this is just a basic guideline, but i thought i would share.

until tomorrow, my lovelies.

p.s. i know most of my thinspo is legs, im sorry! i cant help it! im gap-sessed.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

guess i gotta my swagga back.

-bass drop-

ive had quite the good day. i only had 2 hours of sleep... minor setback, but i have a new boy on the horizon. it wasnt planned by me. i jokingly asked my friend to find me a boy with a loud car and a good bass system. three days later... i get a, do you know (so-and-so)? hes 19. im fat. booo. i need to be in the 120s by friday. i was 133 this morning then 131.5 at around 6. so we'll see. my fast wasnt really a fast but a lets eat very little. damn almonds! i had 10! who knew they were 7 calories a piece! never again. (shhh... they were good. *shudder*)

to my mother since i cant say this to her face...
mom: you see whats happening on the outside, the anger and the tears. but you dont know me well enough to even guess partway correct on what's happening, and when i say i dont want to tell you, please just leave me alone. stop asking me questions. you really dont understand. this isnt rural russia.
i know i may sound like a prick saying that, but so be it! this is my blog! MINE I SAY.... whoa. sorry bout that.

it really scares me that other people can see beauty within me, when all i see is one fat lump. today one of my friends said that i was looking skinny... too skinny. and the same boy kept saying that i need to eat a sandwich. :P

speaking of food... today at lunch, i studied eating habits. its fascinating. they offered me food, and i politely declined. i may start taking mental notes. fuck, im strange.

tomorrow i start the gm. fruit day! im excited. i have cantaloupe and apples all cut and ready, and unpeeled clementines. (: i love fruit.

i have several projects going on right now. featuring a diet plan made from a picture and spot reducing... i know "impossible" but i swear its not and i will prove it.

until tomorrow!
i was going to show a picture, but i cant find it tonight. perhaps tomorrow.
thinspo? yes please!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

[[clever title]]

brightness and smiles came from a sheet of paper. from someone who doesnt know me but still cares more about me than many of those in my life. the little heart on a chain i will always wear as i continue my journey shows the love i get from you guys and for that i very much thank you.
earlier, i recieved a prize. a medal of sorts. i very much thank ---, but at the current moment i do not know myself well enough to give facts about who i am. and if i did, they would either be lies or completely depressing.

after going 65 hours or so with eating very little to nothing at all, i binged. i didnt even notice until i reached the plastic of the bag and the foil on the cupcake. it saddens me very much because this morning i reached 129.5 and tomorrow i will once again be in the 130s. but that slight feel of nausea has returned, and with that i dont know what im doing anymore. maybe ill eat, maybe i wont. its like the rest of my life, confusing as fuck. i need some sort of guidance, and i know many of you will think i have fallen but i need *whispered* Ana's help. im looking for depression, another sad event, to trigger my tears, and sorrow, and inability to eat. im lost without it, im lost with it. i can never concentrate either way.

i have acquired a waterbottle full of vodka and two people i can buy spliff from. im very happy for this, but sad that it has come to the point of inebriation just to be happy, but i need to be happy, even if its just for a little while.

and to mich: thank you for the cards, the card, and the necklace. i actually have a necklace very similar to it that i found recently... but probably lost again. when i saw it on the bottom of the envelope, i was like WAIT ive seen this before!!.... you made me smile, and you have my gratitude for that.

after thinking for a while, ive decided what im going to do about eating. tomorrow (1/19) i will fast. then i will start the gm diet (1/20-1/26), and since i no longer have a boy to worry about what i eat, i will complete the entire week. that seems easy enough. tomorrow im going to figure out what i want to do about the vegetarian aspect. there are versions that replace rice for meat, but i dont know if i want to do that. i have fake beef and chicken in my fridge, so i may just use that. but ill decide tomorrow.

this post has been awfully long, and with that i bid you adieu for the night.

p.s. ill start reading your blogs soon. ive just been in a bad place for commenting.

Monday, January 17, 2011

i didnt ask for this.

i still havent eaten.
i think im feeling a little better.
i like marlboro reds.
im getting bud and booze soon.
im really confused.
i went to ballet today.

[[edit:: i couldnt sleep and so i ate. 270-150=120 cal.
i hope to anything good on this earth that i did not gain.]]

thanks to anorexia, i have overcome emotional eating.

ryan told me he didnt like me.
i had to fake smiles all night long.
came home and cried for 30 minutes.
my mother decided to question me...
while i was crying.
i hate her.
shes just so weak.
but so am i.
i need a drink.
food repulses me.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

i fell into the pit of demons.

and theyre eating me alive.
i wont let let them start eating you too,
i cant.

i updated my measurements a couple days ago.

i should be used to disappointment.

to everyone the usually texts me,
i turned off my phone.
i cant, i just cant talk to anyone.

im in pain.
but i dont feel anything.

i hope im happier next time i post,
you guys dont deserve this.

i dont deserve food,
i dont deserve happiness,
im completely worthless.

maybe if i was skinnier he would have remembered.


Friday, January 14, 2011

when i grow up, im gonna have my own bakery.

i miss baking so much...
i should never have started.
(this bakery will be a bakery/gym combo, most definitely)

today's weigh-in:
133 lb.
as predicted.

1/2 cups of kefir (70) with vitamins and diet pill.
[[edit: i broke my fast, im estimating 380-120=260 cal.]]

i hate hurting people,
which is why im thinking about leaving ryan,
we're not even anything yet.
so it would be okay,
but im so dependent...
and confused.
he makes me so happy,
but i make him so sad. :/

... i cant believe i wrote that this morning.

yeah, so today i baked.
so kill me, but i didnt have any.
i made chocolate chip muffins,
nothing fancy.
forgive me in advance for the photos.

and some with cherries...

hey, look! its me! in an apron! forgive the bulgy-ness.

moose apron!

i dont really have much to say...
fast went alright today.
i did drink though.
so theres some cals,
but i didnt have much.

stay lovely.
(to make up for the muffin pictures (: )

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

no excuses.

im not going to give you any mopey excuses.
i will just state the facts.
im on my period for the first time in months.
i binged.
i weighed in at 131 this morning,
but i ruined it.
better post tomorrow.
im fasting.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

i dont want you to get lost inside my mind.

i dont know what to do.
im afraid...
im afraid of eating,
im afraid of letting ryan in,
i trust him,
but if i start telling him my thoughts...
then he'll get lost inside of them,
and i dont want to make him sad,
he doesnt deserve that.

todays weigh-in:
133 lb.

fasted until 9 pm est.
that makes 46 hours,
my new longest fast.
had kefir (70) in the morning,
and then for dinner (breaking the fast) i had...
romaine leaves with mustard (10) + soup (60) + 2 chips (29) = dinner (99)
thats less than yesterday!
and i ate, haha.
oh, and i only ate the chips because i was craving them,
but i had two then walked away...
moderation, ayyee?
and plus, i am so ridiculously full right now.

i dont really have much to write about.
i walked 2.5 miles today in the icey snow.
i saw ryan. (:
im in a weird mood.

i really dont have much to say.
other than i love fasting.


Monday, January 10, 2011

day four: a sibling

dear ilya,
i love you so much. and i wish we spent more time together, but i understand why you dont like to be at home. i dont either.
im sort of following in your footsteps; i know thats bad, but i cant help it. its better than being boring.
im going to ask you one thing: please dont leave me here alone. i wouldnt be able to take it here in this hell without knowing youll come "home" eventually.

i love you,

todays weigh-in:
136 lb.
i strangely dont even care.

for digestive purposes primarily.
(my tummy hurts whenever i eat)
1 cup of kefir (140) + 1 cup hot cocoa (50)

i really miss ryan,
i havent seen him in two days.
i spent the day with my group of friends,
i walked 6.5 miles.
(so im thinking i burned off those drinks)

after coming home, i got yelled at.
quite a bit.
i went to my room to change so i could go back out,
then when coming to the realization that i had nowhere to go,
i started crying hardcore.

im better now.
i would like to share with you...
a poem cinnamon brown shared with me.

Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

currently craving chinese,
oh well, not gonna have that for a while.

stay lovely.

love heeerrr.

no. they are not.