Thursday, March 14, 2013

what is hunger

what is hunger. im trying to figure out when i feel it, when i eat because im hungry, what it actually feels like, really. ive spent so long ignoring it or overfeeding it that im lost as to its actual existence.

after a couple weeks of eating a chemical shitstorm, im back to eating mostly clean. i feel a lot better and im more full, and therefore, dont feel the need to eat until i explode or puke, which did happen at some points in the past month.

so my new mantra is what would model do. pretty much, every choice i make must bring out the self i want to portray and be shown as. aka, act like everyone is watching. this will hopefully lead me to make better food choices and eventually lead to me hopefully getting some jobs with this? i dont know, ive always wanted to, but im not small enough, not yet.

i havent made any progress, in fact, im pretty sure i gained weight. but the recently more spring-feeling days are making me feel like shit because i should have progressed way further by now. my spring break is next week and i have nothing to show for it.

i might be signing a lease for a house on monday, and to be honest, im fucking terrified. i tried to explain this to andrew, but he doesnt get it. he doesnt understand my anxiety or disordered eating or depression, in general. actually, we've been fighting a lot because he thinks i havent been telling him things when im actually trying my hardest, i dont share very well after all these years.

sorry this post sucks and its long overdue. im hoping to catch up on your posts as my nights get longer and i start falling down the hole again.

bmi 19.3.