Wednesday, February 20, 2013

you dont know what goes on in there.

ive been finding it hard to find the words to say to you beautiful ladies. i dont know how i feel right now, or how i am. its been a whirlwind of smiles, the deepest depression ive probably had yet, anxiety, tears, love, stress, self harm, and panic attacks. i never have a complete good day. i either start my day off with a panic attack, after weighing myself, or have one in class after being triggered, or at the end of the day for no god damn reason like last fucking night. i punched a pole for fucks sake.

my weight has fluctuated from 135-123 since i last posted. ive binged 5/11 days and fasted 2/11 days. my intakes have fluctuated from -100kcal to almost 2250kcal. ive run one mile, done 2 hours of yoga, and hula hooped thrice (15min).

most of my days consist of pot, andrew, chilling hard, business, and school, in that order. im taking a couple days break from smoking just to see how it affects me, who knows! but heres how the second third of february has gone:

- i realized im much more triggered when i see girls eating junk. like i will literally have a panic attack in class if some girl is eating some packaged junk food next to me, or around me. on the other hand, ive always tried to make my boys fat so boys eating junk has no effect on me. honestly that makes me feel stronger if im not eating with them, for some reason. (and by my boys, im referring to pretty much my entire group of friends of which i am one of few girls)

- im surprised im getting away with all of this. you would think your parents would try to do something when their child is up at odd hours of the night crying. of course, they dont know the half of it. my mom now texts me telling me to eat, and every time she sees me, she says something about my tired and "too thin" appearance. whatever.

- being more so depressed recently has really started putting a strain on things in my life. im always anxious and on edge, quick to get irritated and angry. its affecting my relationship with andrew a lot and i dont really know how to change it. BUT he doesnt make me eat anymore, so that makes me life a little easier. storytime: the day after valentines day, i took off my shirt when i was changing and he said i was skinny. then he said he could see my ribs. and then he told me i was beautiful. i really didnt know what to say at that point.

- guys, i now have zero sex drive. wooooooooooo.

- recently ive been thinking about trying to get better. its so physically draining to be constantly sad or anxious, but i really dont know how that would go. i feel like i would just start eating crap again and the whole cycle will just start right the fuck over. but sometimes i get glimpses of wanting to be healthy, calm, and inspiring (kinda, idk), and it confuses me. i hate myself too much to tell what i really want. i kinda want someone to care. to tell me i have a problem and to convince me to do something about it. but no one every takes me seriously.

- speaking of which, i need to work on eating less but more frequently, most days i plan on fasting and then go home and binge on everything because the stress of the day just piles up and apparently thats how i deal with it, stuffing my face until my stomach is distended.

a little bit of cara always makes me smile.

bmi: 18.6.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

finally underweight.

i feel strange. accomplished, yet not satisfied. simply put, im going crazy. im constantly crying and having anxiety attacks and the only thing that makes me feel better is pot, or really any other drug, maybe. i never feel like being out anymore. sure, ill have fun with my friends when im out. but half the time i just want to go home to my heated blankets and not wake up for days.

my mom keep worrying about me, telling me that i look like ive been losing weight, and that ive lost a lot in the past 2 months. the problem is, shes blaming it on drugs. i understand it runs in the family and my brother is currently in jail due to the extenuating circumstances of his heroin addiction, but i can handle my drugs. to this day, i dont think theres anything im particularly addicted to. except, probably, psychologically pot. but i dont understand why she cant just see that im sad.

anyways, so here's how the first third of february has gone: 

beginning this month, i was entirely discouraged by the plateau i was at. i spent the first two days binging and after weighing in, i was horrified. i fasted for two days after that, and since then ive had an intake between 178-491. on the fifth, i started a yoga program. a 21 day challenge by yoga journal. i get an email every morning with a 30 minute or so video. ive also been trying to start running in my neighborhood more. ive only been once this week though. but running a mile isnt really that hard now, so i really have to start pushing myself to go longer.

being vegan is actually really awesome. 5/8 days in february so far, and that because of two binge days and international pancake day. andrew and i went to ihop and i ate like 1/8 of one of my free pancakes. haha. i told them i already ate because those things are ridiculously full of calories and things i dont want inside of me. but im really enjoying making awesome vegan foods and veggies when i do actually eat.

speaking of andrew, a couple days ago, he called me beautiful and he said it wasnt a compliment.... boys are fucking confusing.
thirty minutes later, we had this conversation.
him: will you marry me?
me: (laughing)
him: this is serious *sarcastically*
me: i thought we were smoking a bowl...
him: well, they are pretty similar.
me: yeah, whatever's easier really.
okay, it doesnt sound cute when i type it out. but i promise it was and it made me feel all funny inside and all that jazz. :P

heres some awful poetry i probably wrote in a sleep-deprived, depressive daze.

will you bring me flowers,
when im six feet under,
when i need a smile,
when im sick in bed.

will you hold me until the day i pass,
or the day i take myself.
not because i didnt love you.,
but because i didnt love myself.

hold me together while im here,
im sure to stay a little longer,
for you are worth the daily struggle.
and ill do my best to extend my stay.

ill never forget,
this love we made,
however long or short.

please just hold me together a little longer.

bmi: 18.3.

Friday, February 1, 2013

plateau from hell.

well. its been about two weeks since i last posted. ive been trying to keep up with everyones blogs! i read all of them, but sometimes im too tired to comment, but i try! <3

i finished the book skinny bitch. i liked it. a lot. ive had 8/12 vegan days since i last posted. and the only reason for that is one starbucks drink and these crackers im trying to get rid of [one milk product! -_- ].

ive been plataued around 130-128. im hoping for a lower number tomorrow, hopefully, considering i got up at 5:30am to go for a fucking run! BUT this month ive lost a total of 10 pounds. the official number will be tomorrow, but thats still quite an accomplishment! so im going to be proud of myself for a millisecond.

speaking of which, tonight my mom called me asking if i was trying to kill myelf by not eating... like, what. how am i supposed to fucking respond to that? i swear shes so naive sometimes. i dont know what to do, im obviously not going to cave now. im so close to finally being underweight. but i dont know how to get her off my back for a while... i dont know, ill figure something out.

we still havent found a house yet. of course, i havent been as actively looking as i should be,and neither has andrew, so i dont know where this is going. im really trying to make this happen this following month. im tired of having to leave my house an hour and thirty minutes earlier than my class on mornings i have to go to school just to sit in annoying atlanta traffic. bleh.

school, itself, is going satisfactorily. i still have a bunch of issues to clear up with registration, but im working on it. AND I FINALLY GOT MY CAR BACK. i might post pictures soon, shes so cute. my friend has been fixing it for the past three months and i just got it back on sunday, if i remember correctly.

stay lovely!
bmi: 19.0.