growing pains.

for a while i've been okay with the way i look,
enough to suppress the demon that used to tear me apart.

this particular one anyway.

i wasnt gaining,
i wasnt losing,
i was stagnant and ate what i wanted,
when i remembered to eat.

but now im planning, scheming,
how to get my control back,
everythings all over the place,
i dont know how to finish school,
im always tired,
i dont earn enough to support a child,
my baby daddy isnt really what i want him to be.
but i love him, and he loves me,
and i just keep holding on to every inch of hope.

theres nothing i can do until i am separated with my mini me,
im having a girl, in case anyones wondering.
at the end of january.

it wasnt until the past month and a half,
where i practically exploded,
appetite ravenous,
i cant think about anything else until im satisfied.

im stressed and frazzled,
and i want to be good at something again,
i need to focus on something that i can control.

bahhhh.

its a weird thing to have ed thoughts when youre pregnant.
id always thought when this happened id be older, more experienced, well rounded, well off, stable.
but here i am.