Wednesday, April 13, 2011


i believe i owe an update.
lets start from where i left off...

baked some more goods for the parentals,
had a little over 300, not including tastings.
went to the park to hang out with some of my old friends... awk.
then i went to see black swan... again, i missed the most dramatic part though because i had to call my mother.
after watching that, i was in the mood for some major ass kicking.
so we went to the gas station, where ofc everyone was congregated.
matthew was in a car, so i asked him if we could speak
he said, in a minute.
when i politefully reminded him that i had to be home, he said, can we talk tomorrow.
he promised we would.
and im weak, and he looked sad, so i said okay.

i was hoping to speak to him in the afternoon, but he claimed that he was going to see his sister, so we could talk that night
it was nice out, so i put on a dress, and read outside.
but i was also very emotional unstable, so i went inside to binge at some point.
(shh... i flirted a bit with mia)
i went to my physics tutor, then when i returned i texted him saying that i was free, and that i really needed to talk to him.
he sent some bullshit through a text, and i kept reminding him that we really had to talk face to face... which he didnt quite understand...
i didnt see him... although i did cry a lot... so that was fun.
oh! and i binged some more (and flirted with mia some more)... yay!

(...everything ive been doing revolves around that fucking boy, i dont like this.)
i texted him in french saying that he could take his time, and we could talk when he wanted to.
surprise, no response.
i come home to find that he deleted his facebook relationship status... so i deleted my facebook.
i then cried myself to sleep, woke up at 9, went to the gym, and then cried some more.

i still didnt talk to him, and im partaking in an indefinite fast.
im currently 131, and ill probably hit the 120's tomorrow.
i want him to notice next time i see him.
i want to disappear.

sorry this was so long, and if you read it all...
i love you dearly, and if you didnt... that alright.
i wouldnt read this shit either.

i told my irl ana friend that i wasnt planning on eating for the next couple of days... and i think she got mad at me.
shes like... you have to eat!
"i went to rehab... i know girls who died from eating disorders"...
is it bad that i want to die?...
i just feel like everyone leaves me... the word "worthless" comes to mind frequently.
rant over.


  1. Sofia I've been really depressed and impulsive over a guy too. I just felt like absolute shit and I'm so sad and angry that matt is making you feel this way too. I know it's hard and it hurts, it feels like your heart is just shrinking and you feel exhausted b/c you're always crying. But please try and find the strength to make it through. Take your time to cry, it may take awhile, but you will move on. You need to make these changes for you, not for some useless dude. YOU ARE A QUEEN! SO YOU MUST WAIT FOR A KING! Don't fuck around with the jester :) Smile, because you're beautiful.

  2. Oh baby :( this made me really sad. I don't want you to be feelin like this because of a stupid guy. And you don't want to die, you want to live for you. Fuck everyone else! Including your friend. If you want to starve, you starve. And if she kicks off about it, don't tell her.
    You're beautiful. I really hope good things start coming your way <3

  3. You are far from worthless dear - I know we're only friend through blogging, but I care about you!

    I know what it's like to be totally consumed by heartbreak. It's ok to let yourself be sad sometimes, but try and use some kind of distractions and channel your negative energy in a positive way (that's how I took up knitting ages ago - my best friend and I were in a horrible fight).

    We can help you through this -he doesn't control you.

  4. Don't let some boy get you so down:( I know it's easier said than done though. Things will get better. I know this sounds sick but I kind of wish I was sad so it would be easier for me not to eat:( ..don't go to long on your fast dear, take care! <3 xoxo

  5. OH love this made me sad for you!!!1 Don't let that boy bring you down!!!! It will get better xx
    take care on your fast love

  6. Take the word worthless and scratch it from your vocab! You are a beautiful, thoughtful, and unique girl. You are definitely not worthless....

    Guys are... or can be dumb. Do not let him get to you... They tend to break hearts. :(
    Take some time and do something nice for yourself... take yourself on a date to shop or for a spa day.... and get all these negativities out of your mind.

    I do not like the thought of you being so lonely and sad... -massive hugs- I'm here if you need me. <3

  7. You're not worthless, pretty lady--HE is worthless. Sounds like a major douche. Hope you feel better. It's tough to bounce back from things like that, but you'll get there. <3
    Tell him to shove it. He is so not worth your time, or your affections. :D