Wednesday, January 19, 2011

[[clever title]]

brightness and smiles came from a sheet of paper. from someone who doesnt know me but still cares more about me than many of those in my life. the little heart on a chain i will always wear as i continue my journey shows the love i get from you guys and for that i very much thank you.
earlier, i recieved a prize. a medal of sorts. i very much thank ---, but at the current moment i do not know myself well enough to give facts about who i am. and if i did, they would either be lies or completely depressing.

after going 65 hours or so with eating very little to nothing at all, i binged. i didnt even notice until i reached the plastic of the bag and the foil on the cupcake. it saddens me very much because this morning i reached 129.5 and tomorrow i will once again be in the 130s. but that slight feel of nausea has returned, and with that i dont know what im doing anymore. maybe ill eat, maybe i wont. its like the rest of my life, confusing as fuck. i need some sort of guidance, and i know many of you will think i have fallen but i need *whispered* Ana's help. im looking for depression, another sad event, to trigger my tears, and sorrow, and inability to eat. im lost without it, im lost with it. i can never concentrate either way.

i have acquired a waterbottle full of vodka and two people i can buy spliff from. im very happy for this, but sad that it has come to the point of inebriation just to be happy, but i need to be happy, even if its just for a little while.

and to mich: thank you for the cards, the card, and the necklace. i actually have a necklace very similar to it that i found recently... but probably lost again. when i saw it on the bottom of the envelope, i was like WAIT ive seen this before!!.... you made me smile, and you have my gratitude for that.

after thinking for a while, ive decided what im going to do about eating. tomorrow (1/19) i will fast. then i will start the gm diet (1/20-1/26), and since i no longer have a boy to worry about what i eat, i will complete the entire week. that seems easy enough. tomorrow im going to figure out what i want to do about the vegetarian aspect. there are versions that replace rice for meat, but i dont know if i want to do that. i have fake beef and chicken in my fridge, so i may just use that. but ill decide tomorrow.

this post has been awfully long, and with that i bid you adieu for the night.

p.s. ill start reading your blogs soon. ive just been in a bad place for commenting.


  1. Hey girl!

    I love your blog. I've been stalking it for a while now. I'm such a creeper. Good luck fasting tomorrow!

  2. I'm sure you can get below 130 again soon.
    Good luck and I'm sorry you are feeling so lost.
    At least you have vodka (:

  3. I love how you write. I've been following you for a very little but your blog is amazing :)
    I hope things with your weight brighten up. And good luck with yoyr plan <3

  4. Don't worry, it will all be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end! I love you, my friend. <3. XXX.

  5. Good Luck with your fasting, I know you can do it girl. <3 And good luck with the GM-diet I'll start it in next week, when I have no plans :p
    Stay strong ..

  6. hey girl.

    thanks for you concern.. about me. you know. you're very sweet.

    things will get better. regardless of what "better" means to you. they will get there.

    129.5 isnt that bad. you're making your way down. you can do this. :)

  7. Aw congrats on the 129.5 :D that's exciting!

    Hope your fast went well today!
    & the start of the gm diet goes well:)