brightness and smiles came from a sheet of paper. from someone who doesnt know me but still cares more about me than many of those in my life. the little heart on a chain i will always wear as i continue my journey shows the love i get from you guys and for that i very much thank you.
earlier, i recieved a prize. a medal of sorts. i very much thank ---, but at the current moment i do not know myself well enough to give facts about who i am. and if i did, they would either be lies or completely depressing.
after going 65 hours or so with eating very little to nothing at all, i binged. i didnt even notice until i reached the plastic of the bag and the foil on the cupcake. it saddens me very much because this morning i reached 129.5 and tomorrow i will once again be in the 130s. but that slight feel of nausea has returned, and with that i dont know what im doing anymore. maybe ill eat, maybe i wont. its like the rest of my life, confusing as fuck. i need some sort of guidance, and i know many of you will think i have fallen but i need *whispered* Ana's help. im looking for depression, another sad event, to trigger my tears, and sorrow, and inability to eat. im lost without it, im lost with it. i can never concentrate either way.
i have acquired a waterbottle full of vodka and two people i can buy spliff from. im very happy for this, but sad that it has come to the point of inebriation just to be happy, but i need to be happy, even if its just for a little while.
and to mich: thank you for the cards, the card, and the necklace. i actually have a necklace very similar to it that i found recently... but probably lost again. when i saw it on the bottom of the envelope, i was like WAIT ive seen this before!!.... you made me smile, and you have my gratitude for that.
after thinking for a while, ive decided what im going to do about eating. tomorrow (1/19) i will fast. then i will start the gm diet (1/20-1/26), and since i no longer have a boy to worry about what i eat, i will complete the entire week. that seems easy enough. tomorrow im going to figure out what i want to do about the vegetarian aspect. there are versions that replace rice for meat, but i dont know if i want to do that. i have fake beef and chicken in my fridge, so i may just use that. but ill decide tomorrow.
this post has been awfully long, and with that i bid you adieu for the night.
p.s. ill start reading your blogs soon. ive just been in a bad place for commenting.