i "dont" feel.

my thoughts dont flow anymore,
i would write more,
if my mind could actually focus on anything other than destruction.

i dont want to be here,
but i cant leave,
i fall in between the crevices of vague hopes,
and all i really want is to disappear.

mornings frequently arrive with tears and hatred,
every day is a cycle of getting as inebriated as possible,
on anything that's offered.

i dont know if what i feel occasionally is truly happiness,
or the face i play to get less questions.

im a liar and a terrible person,
and im about to destroy everything in my path,
to prove absolutely nothing.
except maybe a black heart.

bmi 20.9

(not so) happy thanksgiving.

i want to write something beautiful that will make your hearts soar and your spirits rise, but im afraid ive been on the verge of tears all day and the dam simply shattered when i returned home this evening. 

wednesday i spent the entire day throwing up for no apparent reason other than the fact that my body hates me. intake = zero.

thursday was thanksgiving. i ate too much. intake = 950.

today was alright. i fasted today. i havent had a cig in three days now, and its weird. i like everything about cigs, but my friend got into my car smelling like an ashtray and i have never been more nauseated in my life. oh, well. i know im not quitting forever, but its nice to save money for now. 

on the mental side of things, im sad. im really really fucking sad. my mood can just go cliff diving at the smallest things. 

i have never wanted to disappear more in my life.

its been here and there, and i dont know if i should care.

okay first id like to address the subject of commenting. just like giving gifts, im shit at it. so i apologize in advance even though im gonna do it anyway because idk, i personally like to know someones out there relating to me and stuff.

second, i dont exactly feel right here anymore. sure, im still fucked in everyone else's eyes. but im not as sick as i used to be, and certainly not as sick as many of you. however, im still fucking mental. just not so much weight wise. i havent fasted in forever. and dont even know if i could. i might try to do that this weekend after thanksgiving.

i should probably scout for my parents scale soon. im really itching to know how much i weigh. my eating fluctuates a lot. like, since i last posted ive had 4 days 0-200 cal, 4 day 500-1000 cal, 3 days 1300-1700 cal, and three binge days (even though i would consider most of the days binge days).

i hope im still losing weight. i went shopping a couple days ago and it ruined my mood for most of the day because i couldnt fit into a pain of size sevens even though the pants i have right now are sevens and theyre falling off my ass. i fucking hate shopping.

im considering moving in with andrew. im going to be honest when i say i love him. theres something about him that makes me want to smile, to stay alive. although, i still dont trust him enough to truly love me back unconditionally. i dont think ill ever build up enough trust to do that. he always complains that i dont talk about things, but im so used to not trusting anyone, i quite almost dont know how to communicate my thoughts to others. oh, well.

i hope everyone is having a lovely week, and to those of you in the u.s. happy thanksgiving. dont eat too much, (;. i love you guys.

does it ever change?

its not the same, but it really is.

ive been away for two months. i still dont eat right, purge, cut, and other silly things. i think im in love, but who knows. 

i still dont know how much i weigh, but dont have the will to spend money on a scale. although i probably should, i dont know whether it would be better or worse for my brain.

i have panic attacks on the daily. today was the first monday when i could actually suppress a panic attack when i woke up. two weeks ago monday, i have six or seven panic attacks. it was fucking terrible.

i think im losing weight, but i feel so huge, so maybe not. im not counting nearly as much as i used to. i purge way more than i used to, probably because ive gotten better at it. silver lining? no, not at all. i always feel guilty afterwards, so i cut, which doesnt make anything better. then i just sit there with a blank stare wondering where my life is going.

im transferring colleges which should help with my mental sanity, considering im moving closer to andrew. hes rational. its nice. [hes also crazy and hot as hell, so that doesnt hurt. you know how i like crazyy (; ]

but heres the gist of my thinking, i want to lose weight, but i dont want to feel like shit, but i dont know which is the cause or if theyre even related at all. blech. i normally barely eat during the week and eat one huge unhealthy meal a day on weekends. maybe i should start counting again, but im such a stoner and forget half the things i mean to do anyway.

but im in a pleasant mood today and im going to try to catch up on reading some of your blogs. thanks for sticking around. <3

mondays.

today was a very lazy day. very lazy days are not good for sofia.

i woke up at 11:10 am. my second class starts at 11:15am. so i said fuck it and skipped both of them. i then proceeded to go supply shopping at walmart with a friend from school.

then i went and visited my friend jacob who lives 40 minutes away... yay for having a car! but i had been smoking weed since i woke up so i binged a lot and then passed out into a food coma type thing. then woke up, drove to target, bought binge food, and went back to my dorm.

this is where it gets bad. after eating about half of each a box of cheezits, a king sized kit kat bar, and (1/3 of) a box of cookies, i purged some of it and then cut. i fucking hate it when i do that. it makes me feel guilty, worthless, and stupid.

i told andrew i was freaking out and explained some of why i was freaking out, and he told me not to because i was perfect, which really just made me cry even more. but several cigarettes later, i felt better, went back to my room and did some work. i have an exam tomorrow i have yet to study for though....

im gonna stay busy tomorrow. and probably go shopping for something to wear for the concert im seeing friday night. the food plan is small portions of oatmeal/eggs/fruit for breakfast, and then salad/fruit for lunch and dinner. im going to try to fast on wednesday, i think, but that may be difficult since im going to go back to my home town.

oh, and by the way, i hate wear i live now. i go to the university of georgia, and athens sucks. its all about drinking and there are way to many assholes and dumb bitches everywhere. its hard to deal with sometimes.

stay lovely everyone. <3

andrew.

i told him my secrets. every day he pries out more. ive been welcoming it. im falling in love with him.

he told me he loved me.... twice.
also mentioned that ive been losing weight, and that i should gain some. [[fuck that, obviously]]

a month ago i was dating five people, now i only want andrew, i think. he doesnt believe in monogamous relationships though, so i dont know what he wants from me. we've been seeing each other for almost three months without being anything official. we started off as business friends, then we went to friends, then almost instantly to fuck bodies, but now theres something more. i miss him when i go to school during the week, and i want to spend all weekend with him always. he always tells me he doesnt want me to leave.

i still dont know how much i weigh. i try not to eat. ive been throwing up sometimes. im only getting worse from being at college.

i hope everyone is doing alright. ill try to find time to comment and post more, now that i have bunches of free time. stay lovely. <3

the bad month of july.

well, since coming back to america, most of my life has gone to complete shit... go figure.


.... well not all of it, but yeah. 


ive gotten smaller, i think. but ive gotten into eating a bunch at one time then not eating again or eating a bunch at one time again... like once i start i dont have a stopper. im working on it though.


i think im dating three people at one time right now, sorta. i dont know, i think i just like the attention, i guess. but two of them claim to love me and i like the other one more than those two. its very confusing. i dont love much anymore.


i got robbed at gunpoint but this stupid fuck i was dealing to a couple days ago. and i think ive been going insane. i drink too often, cut too frequently, smoke too many cigs, am constantly high, i smoked molly for three days in a row which made my head hurt so bad this morning i literally couldnt get out of bed. i havent really been doing many other drugs but i just havent really been in contact much.


my mom crashed her car yesterday and i looked at bills for college a couple days ago which depressed the fuck out of me.


i cant feel many emotions anymore. i can only cry when im shitfaced. and i mess everything up. 


i have no money anymore because my friends owe me a total of 3 grand and that guy robbed me of a little over a grand.


well, now that im done complaining, let me try to think of something fun and fabulous to say.


derp. i seriously just sat staring at the screen and around my room for a couple minutes and couldnt think of anything. i really need to start weighing myself., maybe ill do that tomorrow. and ill try to read more of your blogs, i just try to stay away from my house most of the time because i feel so oppressed and miserable and worthless here.


IM SORRY FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING. HAPPY VIBES.

to old friends.

it makes me sad that the people i follow and used to read daily dont post anymore, but i wish them the best wherever they are and i hope theyve gotten past this, unlike me.

white nights.

ive been reading wintergirls again. the sweet words approach my heart as i fall back into this familiar place i had lost for quite some time.


im in st. peterburg. the whole city is a walking museum. its lovely. yesterday, i went on a very irritating bus tour. but today, after chilling in bed for most of the day, my parents and i walked a couple hours just around the city. let me know if you want to see picture. i have quite a few. (:


i binged last night. after not eating all day, my brain just shut off and the next thing i know im stuffing my face with a bunch of random shit. but i exercised last night for the first time in ages, and i was sore all day. -_- literally my entire body hurts. but its okay. all i ate was breakfast this morning which totaled to +100 and from walking im assuming its around -400. so i feel a little better about yesterdays screw up.


another reason i havent eaten all day... this new boy, i think i should finally give him a name so... his name is louis. he pretty much mentionned that he hadnt eaten all day and then goes on to say that its been 2 days since he's eaten. and my fucked up head takes that as a challenge. so i dont think ill be eating for a while... this boy doesnt eat or sleep for days, and doesnt even think about it. like, i wish i was strong enough not to have to think about these things constantly.


tea makes everything better. 


<3 stay lovely.


p.s. it doesnt get dark here. its nice. i've been hiding in the dark for too long.

im too big.

i had a break down this week. i found pictures of me from last february and cried. how could i let all of that go to shit? now im fat again, and theres no one to blame but me.

i have a plan though. pretty much, im eating 3 times a day (4 or 5 hours in between) and each "meal" is about  100 calories. although, yesterday i skipped dinner, i was too disgusted with myself. i took new pictures. and im going to update the progress blog i have on tumblr every wednesday.

in other news, im homesick. i miss my unrelated family. and im really almost too excited to get back to my life. im still talking to this new boy. he's been so nice to me, and i havent had anyone be nice to me in the longest time, but i already know hes going to make me eat.

alsoooo, i need to stop telling people about my eating habits... as this progresses, its just gonna cause me all sorts of trouble. so i just need to stop talking about it.

best of luck to everyone. <3 stay lovely.

greetings from moscow.

im sitting in the apartment in the city, its 3 am and im still awake. the skyline is lit with the lights of this city, littered with cigarettes. im surrounded by my history, my heritage. my heart is happy.



im in russia right now for the next month. literally every girl is a size zero, and it makes me sad. but determined to continuing eating little and healthy. i feel huge, right now especially.



ive been doing really well. i lost 10 pounds in a week (i know its not all me, but still) and i messed up on my last day there, but im still doing well. (:


before i left the u.s., i left my boyfriend. ive been unhappy for the longest time. not with the relationship, but with myself, and in being part of my life, the relationship, as well. we may have a future together, but right now, all we're doing is breaking ourselves down. BBUUUTTT i am talking to this other boy he isnt as cute, but is a lot nicer and mature. so who fucking knows? i certainly dont. 


my best of luck to everyone out there searching for it. <3

i think im ready for change.

I know it's been a while, but I have changed so much. I find the need within me to not eat. The past week has gone with mostly less than one meal a day. which is really awesome since ive gained so much back.


i leave for russia on june fifth and ill be back on july fourth. 


im welcoming change and happiness in my life, even as i enter this path of well self destruction if i do it right. 


and with this a propose a scenario im in. three boys like me. my boyfriend of six months, someone ive deeply friend zoned and someone who recently told me of their feelings. All of these people have like me for a long period, and i dont know what to do. im not happy with my life right now, and i want to be. im tired of being sad. so im welcoming everything i receive from this. and i wont do anything rash, but simply i feel will make me feel better.


and on numbers, i think i lost 6 pounds so far this week, AND im really bloaty because i just did some funnnystuff. hehe.


of anyone is out there listening, let me know, please. id love to talk to you. 


stay lovely.

youre not supposed to feel helpless in your own fucking life.

scribble scribble, some lonely souls wander along these pages,

i say ill be frequent. however, this is unintentionally unheard of.

im back and forth, in the same day, hour, or minute.

ripping my happiness in shreds with every painstaking step.

i wish i could bring you good news.

but my heart is tattered and cannot spill joy on your screen today.

blank.

i feel so stupid.

i always come back, but with no results.

today, after eating quite a bit, i weighed in at 156.5.

i remember over the summer i reached 124.

what in the hell did i do to myself.

but no more, i swear.

i cant stand to be in the skin im in.

i hate myself so much i havent been able to stop crying in three days.

i have to be better.

i have to.

im sorry.

well, hello there.

its been a while,

and i keep going from eating a lot or not eating anything.

hopefully today i wont eat a thing.

but i have a substance to help with that...

i had a crazy weekend.

friday, i came to this club tripping.

we ended up finding coke, weed, and e.

and i had some e. weird shit.

and then i went to work saturday morning at 10 am still spun.

got off at 3pm, and passed out till 10 am sunday.

fucking crazy, right?

well, im hoping for a good sucessful day.

for some reason, i was happy with my body this morning... who knows why.

i ate so fucking much yesterday.

ill see you guys later. c:

reinvention.

ive come to a crossroads.
i hate who i am.
so the point is: reinvent myself.

i wish to become a multisided person.
imagine an elegant, wispy woman in a pantsuit.
getting everything done, with no time for food.
one who sells drugs, but you wouldnt know.
beautiful. delicate. AWESOME. haha.

yes, i havent really done well since i last posted.
i havent eaten in 15 hours though, so thats a start.
but i hate this feeling of nausea that has overcome me.

so heres the plan.
get all my schoolwork done.
go shopping for new clothes.
eventually weigh myself....
start making clothes again.
start going to the gym again.
party at night.

it seems ill have no time for sleep, whoops.

you know what they say, sleep is for the weak anyhow.

stay lovely, dears. <3

i binge when im irritated or bored.

wednesday: i fasted.
thursday: i think my total came out to be 920.
friday: hella binge.

i skipped school yesterday. i slept over at my friend kyle's with tyler, and when i got up i was like... damn i have a pep rally and two quizzes im not ready for... fuck it.

tyler and i got into an argument yesterday though. ive been in a bad mood recently because ive been more aware of my expanded size, and i cant really tell him that. I want to tell him something, but i dont want him to be aware of anything.
actually, ive decided. once i reach 110, ill tell him. maybe.

so far ive had a large side of mixed veggies (~70) and a fortune cookie (~32) from panda express and a bit of yogurt at work (~20). so before noon, a total of 122.

im not eating again until after work, so around 4.

good luck with everything, everyone. i will comment as i work and when i get off. PROMISE.

im hoping for a good day, but at the moment i have to open the store in like... 7 minutes. so bye for now. c:

questions.

Why wasn't I good enough for you?
I was and am too fat, too stupid, not enough, too shallow, not smart enough.
I don't even need to ask you in person.

ive been thinking of the past, i dont know why.
its stupid and i wish id forget.
but well, that is not the way my brain is functioning.

ive been fasting for almost 24 hours now, and i forgot how good it felt.
the smile the creeps onto my lips every time my stomach growls.

im about to go out and do some molly.
rolling at school, and not eating.
i suppose there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

should i weigh myself soon?
i do not know.

fruits and veggies day

so far has been okay, but i know when im at home, i eat out of boredom. so im trying not to do that, but ive been out of habit for a while.

the first three days of school were alright. i got work release which means i get out of school at 1230. which is awesome.

on monday night my mom and i had a huge stupid argument and i ended up taking too many antidepressants (stupid) and tyler took care of me all night. which was awesome.

did i mention i have a new boyfriend? yeah... not that exciting, but hes a big part of my life, and i tend to talk about him a lot more than i intend to, so just putting that out there so you know.

and i know im not doing my part in commenting. i will soon! PINKY PROMISE!

i love all of you that are still here, and those who arent. <3

Hello girls.

Alright, I haven't gotten off to the best of starts. But I'm still confident. I'm posting on my phone right now, so I promise ill read and comment soon.
I ate sensibly yesterday until I was coming off k yesterday at like midnight and ate a fuckton. But I'm pretty sure the entire day was under 1000. Which is good right now for me.
Then my friends and I ended up getting molly in the middle of the night. So I've been up and I probably won't be hungry because I left some for later when I'm coming down.
I'm hoping today will be under 300.
I made a new notebook. For rules, eating out calorie counts, and daily food logs.
I'm literally terrified to weigh myself. But I won't for a little bit because I know the number will depress me and cause me to say fuck it and hella binge.
Well, that's enough rambling for right now.

GIRLS. IM BACK.

i have no idea how much i weigh.

and i understand if half of my followers have disappeared.

but if youre still there. comment, so i can read your blog too. c:

everything is going alright in general life.

ive just been smoking a lot, and therefore, eating a lot.

and not caring i guess.

it used to be evened out by molly binges...

but im not doing any more molly for a bit.

oh, p.s. ive become quite the druggie. :P

but other than that, nothings changed. im just little [huge] ole me.

hope everyone has a lovely day.