Monday, November 5, 2012

does it ever change?

its not the same, but it really is.

ive been away for two months. i still dont eat right, purge, cut, and other silly things. i think im in love, but who knows. 

i still dont know how much i weigh, but dont have the will to spend money on a scale. although i probably should, i dont know whether it would be better or worse for my brain.

i have panic attacks on the daily. today was the first monday when i could actually suppress a panic attack when i woke up. two weeks ago monday, i have six or seven panic attacks. it was fucking terrible.

i think im losing weight, but i feel so huge, so maybe not. im not counting nearly as much as i used to. i purge way more than i used to, probably because ive gotten better at it. silver lining? no, not at all. i always feel guilty afterwards, so i cut, which doesnt make anything better. then i just sit there with a blank stare wondering where my life is going.

im transferring colleges which should help with my mental sanity, considering im moving closer to andrew. hes rational. its nice. [hes also crazy and hot as hell, so that doesnt hurt. you know how i like crazyy (; ]

but heres the gist of my thinking, i want to lose weight, but i dont want to feel like shit, but i dont know which is the cause or if theyre even related at all. blech. i normally barely eat during the week and eat one huge unhealthy meal a day on weekends. maybe i should start counting again, but im such a stoner and forget half the things i mean to do anyway.

but im in a pleasant mood today and im going to try to catch up on reading some of your blogs. thanks for sticking around. <3


  1. Glad you're back! ugh finding the cause of mental issues is such a headache, drives everyone insane (haha.)

    Andrew sounds nice it's great that you have someone there for you!


  2. Hello lovely! Oh boy, i get you so so much... It's confusion, wanting to feel good, trying not to eat, counting cals, feeling like crap if you don't do diet right... Awful.

  3. Giiiirrrl, I've missed you!
    Best of luck transferring colleges, I'm more than sure the change will do you good :)

    Thinking of you and sending lots of love!

  4. sorry for the panic attacks, thats the absolute worst. hope you find a way to find your happy place.

  5. I just want to send my love, darling.
    Loads and loads of it.
    It's all I have to offer, really.

    I do hope you're okay.
    You're lovely.