Wednesday, November 21, 2012

its been here and there, and i dont know if i should care.

okay first id like to address the subject of commenting. just like giving gifts, im shit at it. so i apologize in advance even though im gonna do it anyway because idk, i personally like to know someones out there relating to me and stuff.

second, i dont exactly feel right here anymore. sure, im still fucked in everyone else's eyes. but im not as sick as i used to be, and certainly not as sick as many of you. however, im still fucking mental. just not so much weight wise. i havent fasted in forever. and dont even know if i could. i might try to do that this weekend after thanksgiving.

i should probably scout for my parents scale soon. im really itching to know how much i weigh. my eating fluctuates a lot. like, since i last posted ive had 4 days 0-200 cal, 4 day 500-1000 cal, 3 days 1300-1700 cal, and three binge days (even though i would consider most of the days binge days).

i hope im still losing weight. i went shopping a couple days ago and it ruined my mood for most of the day because i couldnt fit into a pain of size sevens even though the pants i have right now are sevens and theyre falling off my ass. i fucking hate shopping.

im considering moving in with andrew. im going to be honest when i say i love him. theres something about him that makes me want to smile, to stay alive. although, i still dont trust him enough to truly love me back unconditionally. i dont think ill ever build up enough trust to do that. he always complains that i dont talk about things, but im so used to not trusting anyone, i quite almost dont know how to communicate my thoughts to others. oh, well.

i hope everyone is having a lovely week, and to those of you in the u.s. happy thanksgiving. dont eat too much, (;. i love you guys.


  1. Pants shopping is the absolute WORST. I've learned, though, that all brands treat sizing differently (which is fucking stupid)Like- if I were to try on a pair of Streetwear Society jeans I'd fit into a 5, but if I were to try on something from Urban Heritage I'd have to go for a 7. It's still insanely disheartening, though.

  2. I missed you!

    I always feel like that; too huge to be anything but ordinary. No where near thin, and eons away from sick. It comes with the sickness, they tell me. Ha.

    I'm glad you're in love.
    And I'm glad you're not giving your all to him; simply because that means you still have so much more to give, and in turn, more happiness to recieve. Or something. And you deserve bucket loads, upon bucket loads of happiness. And more.

    Take care, sweet thing.
    You're far too precious.


  3. you don't have to be more sick than anyone else on this website to come back and write, I've always loved reading your blog! I'm glad you're doing some what better than you were back when we first met. I think we were both in pretty dark places back then. Happy for you that you have found love, it's a wonderful thing! Moving in is a big step though, can definitely make a good relationship very complicated sometimes. Good luck! Miss you too!