Thursday, December 23, 2010

i wish i could just believe that.

ryan called me beautiful last night,
but i just dont see it.
i really dont.

todays weigh in: 136.5 lb.
pleased after that shit yesterday.
should be lower though.

chocolate vitatop (100) + clementine (35) = breakfast (135)
leftover fish (100) + 20 raspberries (20) = lunch (120)
clementine (35) = snack (35)
halved grilled cheese (55) + 51 blueberries (40) = dinner (95)
walking around in the cold (-125)
260 cal.

i forgot to say, yesterday when my mom and i were shopping,
she told me im not allowed to where black anymore because i look too skinny.
and then i laughed, but i outright said. mother, this fat is disgusting.
i dont want it, and im fat. that was probably not smart to do. :P

also, ive been trying not to drink soda.
it isnt working.
i have no willpower. but it tastes like dessert.

whenever i dont eat,
i dream about food.
i never dream,
but not eating makes me have binge dreams.

im in an odd mood.
im doubting life...
if that makes sense.

i feel numb.


  1. I hate when people say I look "too skinny", I mean it's a compliment but it infuriates me because I'm 140 something pounds!! So like yourself I sometimes have a moment of word vomit and voice exactly how I feel about myself. Not a very smart thing to do, raises red flags & people eventually get suspicious! But I know how you feel so I understand why you said it..just comes out :/.

    Maybe just try drinking one diet soda a day? It can be like your treat. Or one every other day. Cutting back is better than nothing.

  2. I know exactly what you mean! Juan always says I am beautiful and sexy and I just cannot believe it. I wish I knew how we could all overcome this :-/ Anyway, I hope you're having a good day and best wishes for a gain-free holiday!