my mother knows too much with out telling me. she asked me if there was something under my ribbons i wear on my wrist. she tells me im having all these health problem because im not eating. i dont understand how she could find out, or maybe im paranoid.
im considering hooking up with this boy named will. do no think me a whore. i just dont really like him, i mean, i like him as a friend, but more? not so much. and he says he cant be friends with me because he likes me too much. can he not see how ugly i am on the outside? how fucked up i am on the inside?
[[edit:: i will not hook up with him, he's just not what i want. hes mean to everyone and me too sometimes and i just dont need another person treating me like that.]]
i dont like C anymore, well, i dont think i ever really did. it was just an option. but im 99% sure he doesnt like me, and that other percent means nothing to me.
i may like ryan, because he's so thoughtful and nice and caring, but he's shorter than me. i suppose that makes me really superficial.
at this rate i just want to get pissed drunk and hook up with a random stranger. that sounds really fantastic right now. im sick of the boy drama with will. and really dont want to make my friendships awkward. but gah, i feel so alone. but i doubt a random hookup will help, although it doesnt hurt to try?... i need alcohol.
i hate thinking about my future.
my 5 day happy streak has ended.
"what we do" update:
i really want to eat right now. i dont know why, but i would really love a grape, or a tomato. but... then ill want bread and chocolate and that damn hummus. after this fast and obvious binge thats gonna happen when i sleep over (well, i might not "binge" persay, but there will be pizza and sweets galore), i am going to start eating healthy. still low calorie of course, but i quite dislike this binge-fast cycle ive been in for the past two or so weeks. although, i am happier, which is strange. i want to be healthier.
i broke my fast after 23 hours. i feel kinda bad, but my stomach was literally just in pain and wouldnt stop. but, i will not binge. i refuse.
todays weight: 136.5
ive started reading wintergirls. i like it so far.
also, i have a crease where my stomache and ribs meet... i dont know what could be the cause... perhaps too much fat?... probably.
.total calories: 650.