Wednesday, December 8, 2010

free, to be, just me.

personal life update:

my mother knows too much with out telling me. she asked me if there was something under my ribbons i wear on my wrist. she tells me im having all these health problem because im not eating. i dont understand how she could find out, or maybe im paranoid.

im considering hooking up with this boy named will. do no think me a whore. i just dont really like him, i mean, i like him as a friend, but more? not so much. and he says he cant be friends with me because he likes me too much. can he not see how ugly i am on the outside? how fucked up i am on the inside?
[[edit:: i will not hook up with him, he's just not what i want. hes mean to everyone and me too sometimes and i just dont need another person treating me like that.]]

i dont like C anymore, well, i dont think i ever really did. it was just an option. but im 99% sure he doesnt like me, and that other percent means nothing to me.

i may like ryan, because he's so thoughtful and nice and caring, but he's shorter than me. i suppose that makes me really superficial.

at this rate i just want to get pissed drunk and hook up with a random stranger. that sounds really fantastic right now. im sick of the boy drama with will. and really dont want to make my friendships awkward. but gah, i feel so alone. but i doubt a random hookup will help, although it doesnt hurt to try?... i need alcohol.

i hate thinking about my future.
my 5 day happy streak has ended.

"what we do" update:

i really want to eat right now. i dont know why, but i would really love a grape, or a tomato. but... then ill want bread and chocolate and that damn hummus. after this fast and obvious binge thats gonna happen when i sleep over (well, i might not "binge" persay, but there will be pizza and sweets galore), i am going to start eating healthy. still low calorie of course, but i quite dislike this binge-fast cycle ive been in for the past two or so weeks. although, i am happier, which is strange. i want to be healthier.

i broke my fast after 23 hours. i feel kinda bad, but my stomach was literally just in pain and wouldnt stop. but, i will not binge. i refuse.
todays weight: 136.5

other stuff:
ive started reading wintergirls. i like it so far.
also, i have a crease where my stomache and ribs meet... i dont know what could be the cause... perhaps too much fat?... probably.
.total calories: 650.


  1. Thanks for the encouragement... boys are really stupid, particularly in high school and early on in college. Honestly, from personal experience, I think it is totally worth it to not have a "steady" boyfriend while you're in high school. Go out to dinner, to the movies, dance and make out with a variety of boys! There is not use getting tied down with them when they are so incredibly immature. (That's my 23-year-old mama-bear self talking!)

  2. Random hook-ups are definitely a lot easier, and require no emotion or feelings, probably why I always took that route. Although, don't do it. Speaking from experience it makes you feel even more alone & worthless than before hand, and its not even enjoyable. Even though being alone can get lonely...just try.. it's probably best.

    I've been in a binge-fast cycle too. Lately stuck in binge mode. It's the worst. I want to start eating healthier too. Maybe not eating more, but just eating healthy options, instead of a 100cal pack of chips I need to grab a 100 cal banana lol Good luck girl<3

    PS. Parents can sense things, it's weird. Well mine can't because they're idiots but parents in general (my friends parents) can sense when something is wrong.

  3. hey :) ive suffered w ed for 10 years.. now im happy, having a blast and staying positive and focusing on that.. and still stay thin. Maybe u can find a lil inspiration :)
    follow me please n ill follow u <3

  4. Geh, boy drama. Only good thing about going to a girls school :)

    and if you wanna start eating healthy you might want to try the raw vegan diet? nothing but raw fruits and veggies. you can have as much as you like and chances are you won't get about 800 cals :D

  5. Boys = LAME. Haha
    I'm lookin' at that pretty little icon of yours and you are so adorable.
    Don't say you're going to binge, stay positive ♥
    Stay beautiful :) ♥

  6. Stay positive and you can do anything :)

  7. Boys are ridiculous, ignore them. Want to go on a boy fast?
    I hope your sleepover is okay, just eat slowly and talk lots, people won't notice you've only had 1/2 a slice of pizza when they've had 4.

    I always feel like my mother is spying on me. She gets worked up if I stay in bed past 10 or spend too much time in my room. Being at home is just too stressful! Tell them what they want to hear, only eat in front of her and she'll hopefully get off your back.

    Also, you are the prettiest little thing in the world. Not ugly or the outside, or fucked up on the inside, just a little broken, but beautiful.


  8. I think love is sort of superficial in general. You're definitely not a bad person for not liking him 'cause he's shorter than you. The attraction factor is really important for a relationship to work. And I think you're right not to hook up with Will if he's mean to you. Life's too short to waste on boys that don't make us happy!

    You are beautiful inside and out, princess. ;)

  9. I'm thinking of doing a fast this weekend as well. I've been 129.x for the past 3 days and I'm sick of it.

    Good luck on your weight loss! My mother too has started pestering me with, "I think you have mood swings because you're not eating right."

  10. I haven't been home since I started restricting so I'm worried she'll know something too. Which will suck! But what's she gonna do?

    And I know what you mean by that crease thing. I just got one this year. I don't think it's a fat thing though. I think it's that you're getting upper abs and then there's fat on your stomach still. At least that's what I think.