Thursday, November 18, 2010

update, i s'pose.

my current emotions.

body shivering,
cold radiating outwards,
bundled, yet cold.

angry wrist staring back,
red and disgusted,
at my ugly shame.

cold fingers,
tracing the lines,
lines i made.

the numbers werent good enough,
the problems were too hard,
the yelling was too loud.

she cries,
no one sees,
they never do,
until it's too late.


i like the empty feeling in my stomache,
i hate the empty feeling im my heart,
like im no one.

i hate the full feeling in my heart,
like im drowning,
i hate the full feeling in my stomache,
because that means failure.

i like the pain,
i like the scars,
i dont like hiding.

i like secrets.

i like cigarettes,
i like coffee,
i like tea.

i like food,
i hate food.

i like feeling cold,
i like feeling burning.

i want to feel pain,
i dont want to feel anything.

im a mess.

im generally in a better mood. im going to start using names because i dont give a fuck anymore, excuse my language. thank you to the girls that actually read and commented on my last post. i told ryan all my secrets last night. i dont know why but he's so nice and he's just one of the only people i feel i can tell [[and when i started talking i was really tipsy, and he then kept asking questions.]] he told me some of his. will tols me that he "is attracted to me" and i was just like... whhhaaat? and then he was being weird so he drove me to where my other friends were and dropped me off. but in the care he told me i was pretty. and i just said... "i dont see it" because i dont. no one deserves to like a piece of messed up mental shit like me. and i dont deserve to be liked by anyone.

i dont want to write about food here anymore. because to be honest, it doesnt help.

im going on vacation today. i may be back, i might not.

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