Saturday, November 27, 2010


so after eating monstrous amounts of chips over my vacation i decided to have a fast.
it went on 39 hours, and made me feel like absolute shit,
i just wanted to beat my last record of 25. ... which i did.
but im back to 140.
i didnt weigh myself before i did this.
i was too afraid.
but i realized... i have 20 pounds to go. and i cant do this shit.
im starting dance again soon.
and so thatll help. and yeah.

but i was having an episode last night, i guess you could call it.
so i texted ryan... probably sounded like an insane person.
but he sounded like he didnt care... like he sorta did but not really.
i thinkim an attention whore.
i dont mean to be, but i just dont get enough love... anywhere.
i need more drugs. i was happy when i was high for 3 days straight.
.... damn, im fucked up.

also, my parents are making a family dinner.
like wtf? we never have these.
and if it wasnt for that i wouldnt be fucking eating ooohhh welll.

also, when i was out last night,
we were sitting in a coffee shop and i was thinking,
"im probably the only one here thinking about food"
and then i started laughing and they looked at me weird.
yup yup, im fucked up.

edit: about the family dinner,
i need to learn self control.
stop at one fucking piece of chocolate.
and dont let your mom telling you to eat meat when you have been a vegetarian for quite some time to piss you off then lead you to eat shit and drink more wine.
that is all.



  1. 39 hours?! thats awesome :) I am so horrible at fast just because my energy levels get ridiculously low SO fast.
    I know how it feels to have 20 more pounds to lose. I have like 30 before I think I'll even feel KIND OF thin and I'm just like its too hard..too hard, but I lost 30 and had the control to do that. So we can both lose more weight, it IS possible.

    "I just don't get enough love...anywhere" --fuck I can totally relate to that.

  2. Ahh, I know what you mean about the feeling insane thing after having an "episode". I have those. A lot.
    Then later I think to myself, why the fuck did I do that?
    But I'm probably overreacting. Maybe you are too. So don't worry about it too much. :)
    Good job on the fast :)
    We're on the same weight by the way, we can make progress together :)

    Take care of yourself xo

  3. If you're taller and you're at 140 that must mean you look tons thinner! Everything just spreads out nicer in tall people. :C I wish I was tall! I really want to be 5'7! Hahaha, even though it's only 2 inches, trust me - it makes a difference!
    How tall are you?

  4. What saved me from family dinners was learning how to cook. There are so many substitutions you can make and so many ways to dress up bland food that you'll have a ridiculous amount of control. Try looking at vegan food blogs to get ideas. And make sure you always have Pam olive oil spray in the pantry, it saves you a ton of calories and fat.

    Well done on your fast. Just a little more each time, right?

  5. im so jealous of your 39 hours i havent done that in soo long :/
    i miss being high all the time too, but i ran out of money, and the high you get from fasting is free :D
    stay strong <3

  6. Oh gosh. I can identify with the insane stuff. :)
    39 hours is ahhhhmazing!
    Haha, the bit about you randomly laughing made me smile. :D You're so cute!