Wednesday, February 9, 2011

disordered thoughts.

i wrote this last month:

no more scars,
im tired of this ribbon,
no more, no more.
if i want to reach the distant dreams i have,
i have to be superficial and perfect.
i will be perfect.
perfection doesnt have scars.
(i havent cut since... i think its been a couple of weeks.
honestly, im proud because if i hadnt,
id be cutting right now. but nope. i shant. i wont. i cant.)


(im not saying i have anorexia... just thought this picture was relevant.)
i dont want to have kids,
my mom doesnt get it,
shes like, well thats your job, your brightest joy,
and i think, im going to have a child,
and if i fuck that kid up with an ed or other disorder,
i wouldnt be able to handle it.

yesterday,
i fasted until i had a salad for dinner after burning 850 calories.

today,
i ate "healthily"
until after jazz,
i went to the gym,
besically had a panic attack in the locker room,
or emotional breakdown, whatever you want to call it.
i feel so ridiculously fat.
obviously, this is solved my massive amounts of food,
even though i had just burned 350 calories.
efforts fucking wasted.

i just feel so alone and left behind,
forgotten.
ive decided. if i ever hit 110,
then ill start being "healthy."
but until then...
im restricting and fasting the shit outta myself...
FUCK THIS.
no one even cares about me.
i really, truly, just want to disappear.

for your viewing pleasure:
and a reminder for me how far ive yet to go:
i will look hot in ripped jeans.
i will have a flat tummy and no bulges.
i will be able to look pretty in midriff tops.
i will be pretty.

p.s. thank you for all the nice comments. i love you guys, truly.

7 comments:

  1. You have so many great points in this post - the feeling of looking at your scars and knowing how they must look, being scared about messing other people's minds up coz of your own problem...

    Just remember, all of us here care about you and your well-being and your dreams. Don't give up, coz we're all here for you!!

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  2. Sofia, I love you (like, friendly love you) and your posts. Legit. Just thought I would let you know. I am so proud of you for not cutting your beautiful self.
    I love the pictures, all of them. We're gonna be skinny bitches one day!
    I am here for you whenever you need me!
    Love <3

    ~ Meg

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  3. Never fear, you continue to burn calories long after you have exercised. Even after you hit the showers and go to bed, your body is repairing and burning calories. You did great today and well done for not cutting, I'm so proud of you.

    Your poetry is lovely and so insirational. I don't blame you. I don't want kids for the same reason. I inherited my mother's eating disorder and have sworn to end it with me.

    I also feel left behind. I have no life to speak of and all those around me are making a success of their lives. Sad, I have no interest, only arrested development!

    Just remember how much I adore you, you're the closest thing to a sister that I have and you're my inspiration. Bet you rock those jeans and tees in no time. <3. XXX.

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  4. ughhh. i fucking hate that. when you work out, hard. then you eat and its like "WHATS THE FUCKING POINT?!" ughh.

    and i know what you mean about the whole, "eating healthy" when you get to 110. i feel like i'll have freedom like that too.

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  5. Sofia, You are pretty. Know that.

    And that is so great you haven't cut in awhile! Congratulations! You deserve to celebrate! :D

    I'm sorry to hear about your breakdown - but know that there are people here for you, that you aren't alone, and that people DO care for you... we wouldn't be here reading this if we didn't. <3

    Tomorrow is a new day. :) Today can be a fresh start... start new, keep a smile on that face of yours, and know that you are beautiful...

    I understand your dilemma about the children thing. I go through that every day. It is your choice... :) and that's what makes it so great.

    Don't let anyone get you down,
    Glitch.

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  6. I seen that on post secret & loved it<3 I almost used it on my blog actually.
    I don't want kids either, I don't want to fuck them up but more so I don't want this fucked up society to fuck him/her up.

    Good luck on your goal.

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  7. I'm a no kids person too!
    I'm not allowed a goldfish, why the hell would I consider having kids :')

    I care, everyone who reads this post cares about you.
    You are delightful :) xx

    p.s. Don't disappear, there would be a Sofia shaped hole in the world. Kind of like narnia, but not a wardrobe...

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