vlog and a challenge

hello guys!
i just wanted to say thank you very much in person.
i love all of you.

im also going to begin a challenge

(one of those 30 day tumblr challenges)

once i get down to an acceptable weight that i can share without cringing.

i finished wasted by marya hornbacher.
i liked it.
does anyone know where i can get unbearable lightness online?
like to read for free?

i couldnt sleep last night,
so i made a word document listing a bunch of drinks.
like coffee drinks, and then foods.
places that my friends and i go to.
everything i may order off their menus.
including some soy options for when i go vegan.
WHY DOES SOY MILK HAVE SO MUCH FAT?!
it was time consuming, but i feel slightly accomplished.

[[edit:: remind me never to eat after 10 pm. damn.]]

everyone, have a lovely day. (:

ive figured it out.

i feel alone.
i feel lonely.
(yes its different.)
i feel empty.
im trying to fill the emptiness i feel with food.
and that is just making it worse.

i dont know how to fix it.

it doesnt matter whether im at home alone,
or whether im with a bunch of people.
i always feel...

alone.

oh, and fat.

well.

i did post a post saying i was doing well.
but alas, i binged.
i have no excuses.
nor will i make any,
please dont say its okay. because it is most definitely not.
i shall post tonight when my stomach is empty and words flow.
but for now,
i am full and numb.

next time i do this,
im either going to take sleeping pills,
or im going to take a night walk.
although those kinda scare me...
ill get over it.

ph, and i just popped some laxatives.
tomorrow will be interesting.
damn this is fucked up,
but this is my life.
i feel like i should be a bad picture book.
certainly not for children.

i need some kind of new reminder
perhaps ill make a bracelet to remind myself of you girls
and what i need to do.
damn, i wish i could still cut.

i know why i havent been posting so much.

ive been binging.

and whenever i binge... i feel bad.
and i cant post.

but never fear!
im coming back!
with a 50 hour fast.
2/21/11 at 12 pm-2/23/11 at 2 pm.

i can do this.
i wish i could text my friends from here...
but my phone broke!
i wanted to text all of you this morning!
but when i fix it, you'll be the first to know.
i need your help. :P

i will be skinny this summer.
actually, by spring break.
we can do this.

ze new rulez.

three days of binging and i need to set myself up to a good plan.
yesterday, i realized... i havent lost any weight for an entire month.
this has to change.

this is my plan for the next week. starting today (friday) to next friday.
1. calories under 500.
2. water, water, water.
3. no eating after 8 pm. (brush your teeth then, sofia).
4. dont just eat. plan, count, and think.
5. never eat everything on your plate, leave two or three bites untouched.
6. this isnt really a rule but: that found isnt gong to magically disappear of the face of the earth, there will always be more, and it will be there when you're skinny, so do yourself a favor and wait until then because otherwise you'll be fat forever.
7. go to sleep early (10ish), wake up early (6ish), go for a morning run. my neighborhood is 2 miles. and that takes me like 20 minutes because im slow. but nonetheless, i need to start that running program i said i was going to.

so today i successfully accomplished:
1 (with 375cal), 2 (chuggin water), and 6.
its a start. number 7 wont actually apply to the next week since im on holiday,
but i would like to start a better sleeping schedule.

im feeling lonely.

like, it just hit me.

loneliness.

tomorrow i get my braces off,

and then i get a facial,
and maybe later a pedicure.

i must also pack tomorrow,

for i am leave for washington d.c. on sunday.

i hope the hotel has a gym... and internetz.

i had the most amazing dinner tonight.
lettuce wraps.
a slice of vegan bologna, 1/2 slice of vegan rice cheese, and a little mustard inside a romaine leaf.
twas delish! i had two. (:
i was supposed to be fasting, but a good day of restricting is good as well.
i need to get in a fasting day soon though.

topsy turvy.

spin me round,

let me go,
let me fly,
weightless.

how are you guys?
im walking the line,
wobbling back and forth between extremes.
im trying to do this better.
trying to stay under 500 today.
which i probably will,
it not that hard now that all the desserts are gone.
(my bad)

i feel like my tummy is back to its massively bloaty state.
a lot of cardio for sofia today!

on an unrelated note,
my skin is being sucky,
i wore a pretty dress today,
my ex best friend complimented me,
and im relatively not tired.

i will be a twig.
well, speaking of which,
the other day at the gym i saw a (most likely) model at the gym,
i could help but stare.
she was so beautiful and tiny.
one day, ill make people jealous. i will.

p.s. totally failed today, but ill update you tomorrow on what im going to do about it. <3>

losing battle.

i cant seem to get into the kick of things.
my fast ended early... about 13 hours early.
help me get lost,
i need to lose control.

i swear,
im giving in.

im not even thin, not even close.




but i will be.

internal.

i want to be consumed by this life again,
i dont need anyone else.
i dont want to think about my lack of social life,
i just want to disappear.
12 am. est. 2/12. i fast.

when i weighed in this morning i was 129.
whoops.
sorry if that happened to you as well.
i hate food.

structure

i need a bit more structure,
because the eating whenever i feel like it,
whatever i feel like eating obviously isnt working.

so i plan a better tomorrow!
B: 1/2 packet oatmeal (55)
S: clementine (35)
L: salad (70)
S: apple (80)
D: soup&salad (80)
subject to change ofc. but basically...

to anyone who isnt weighing with me:
how are you doing?
personally, im getting really paranoid that im gaining.
i feel like im expanding,
but i dont have numbers to make sure.
so idk if im doing anything right eekkkk.
anyways, i want to have a good restricting day before weighing in.
good luck. (:

still feeling slightly abandoned.
kinda like a lost puppy...

what i will become....

disordered thoughts.

i wrote this last month:

no more scars,
im tired of this ribbon,
no more, no more.
if i want to reach the distant dreams i have,
i have to be superficial and perfect.
i will be perfect.
perfection doesnt have scars.
(i havent cut since... i think its been a couple of weeks.
honestly, im proud because if i hadnt,
id be cutting right now. but nope. i shant. i wont. i cant.)

(im not saying i have anorexia... just thought this picture was relevant.)

i dont want to have kids,
my mom doesnt get it,
shes like, well thats your job, your brightest joy,
and i think, im going to have a child,
and if i fuck that kid up with an ed or other disorder,
i wouldnt be able to handle it.

yesterday,
i fasted until i had a salad for dinner after burning 850 calories.

today,
i ate "healthily"
until after jazz,
i went to the gym,
besically had a panic attack in the locker room,
or emotional breakdown, whatever you want to call it.
i feel so ridiculously fat.
obviously, this is solved my massive amounts of food,
even though i had just burned 350 calories.
efforts fucking wasted.

i just feel so alone and left behind,
forgotten.
ive decided. if i ever hit 110,
then ill start being "healthy."
but until then...
im restricting and fasting the shit outta myself...
FUCK THIS.
no one even cares about me.
i really, truly, just want to disappear.

for your viewing pleasure:
and a reminder for me how far ive yet to go:

i will look hot in ripped jeans.

i will have a flat tummy and no bulges.

i will be able to look pretty in midriff tops.

i will be pretty.

p.s. thank you for all the nice comments. i love you guys, truly.

day five: your dreams.

dear dreams,
i wish i could remember more of you, but when you do appear, i very much thank you.
you give me insight into what i really want because i have no idea.
in your strange ways, you tell me what to do.
thank you,
sofia.

dear dreams,
if only i didnt feel like giving up on you all the time.
i try to try, i swear. but its not easy when you have so many things going on.
i know what you used to be, a professional ice skater, but now that that's gone... ive been so lost.
that was four years ago, i know. but i have yet to find something that replaces that hole in my heart.
so for now, you only exist in my deepest imagination. i hope i dig you up soon.
love,
sofia.

nothing to report really...
i was a lazy butt today.

an experiment!

i know i dont post as much as i used to,
and for the, i apologize.
but this is something i need to do.

so a challenge!
for myself, and well, whoever.
we often find ourselves preoccupied with numbers.
i am, too, and since i absolutely adore torturing myself im doing this.
im not weighing myself this week.
i will just live each day to the best of my abilities.
and then friday morning i will weigh in again.

for example,
i was planning on fasting today.
but after burning 650 calories at the gym
and the 80 cal walk home,
i decided to allow myself a protein bar.
not the healthiest thing.
but i just needed something small.
and im still in the negatives,
and very much so.

wish me luck?
also,
i apologize for not commenting,
ive been trying to read them,
but my mind is truly elsewhere.

i hope i figure this out soon.
for me, and for all of you lovely ladies.

i love you all, quite dearly.

february goals.

this is the first time ive ever done this.
but i though what the hell, why not.

1. soda free month! (to cross off my resolutions)
2. gym 5x a week.
3. start a semi frequent running program.
4. get into the low 120s, maybe teens.
5. eat less junk to prepare for next month (no junk AND vegan march- also, to cross off resolutions)

still nothing to report, i keep writing entries then deleting them, so a list shall suffice for now.