i cant wait to be thinner than ever before.

well, shit. another month in the life of sofia, is anyone out there?
thanks to everyone who responded to my last post.
Emily May, i know exactly what you mean. if i eat breakfast i get hungry in a couple hours, but if i go without, sometimes I can not eat all day without feeling any sort of hunger.

so here is my update. i moved out in a cute 2br/2ba with a bonus room right outside of the city with andrew and two friends. ill post pictures if anyone's interested. i havent had internet, so thats why i havent really been posting, but thats all fixed now.

andrew and i have been fighting. hes unhappy, and so am i, but we're working on it, i guess. i know im mean to him a lot, but sometimes he just acts so dumb, especially when hes high, its quite irritating. and he makes me feel like im always doing something wrong. and i think the only reason im finding anything wrong with him, is because im not entirely interested anymore. dont get me wrong, i love him. but i dont know if i love him differently than i would a friend at this point. maybe. that and i have a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge crush on my k dealer. whoops. need to stop falling for those...

i wish i knew my weight. moving out has brought out the absence of a scale, the fucktons of junk food boys seems to eat, and my inability to control myself sometimes. but right now, im just trying to eat one meal a day, that being healthy, and aiming to do calisthenics every day. i probably weigh about the same, i still have a tiny thigh gap, which oddly comforts me when i feel like ive been eating too much.

i have one weeks of school left then finals. as i always say, i hope to write more from now on, but i think that might actually be a possibility this time around.

have a wonderful day.

what is hunger

what is hunger. im trying to figure out when i feel it, when i eat because im hungry, what it actually feels like, really. ive spent so long ignoring it or overfeeding it that im lost as to its actual existence.

after a couple weeks of eating a chemical shitstorm, im back to eating mostly clean. i feel a lot better and im more full, and therefore, dont feel the need to eat until i explode or puke, which did happen at some points in the past month.

so my new mantra is what would model do. pretty much, every choice i make must bring out the self i want to portray and be shown as. aka, act like everyone is watching. this will hopefully lead me to make better food choices and eventually lead to me hopefully getting some jobs with this? i dont know, ive always wanted to, but im not small enough, not yet.


i havent made any progress, in fact, im pretty sure i gained weight. but the recently more spring-feeling days are making me feel like shit because i should have progressed way further by now. my spring break is next week and i have nothing to show for it.

i might be signing a lease for a house on monday, and to be honest, im fucking terrified. i tried to explain this to andrew, but he doesnt get it. he doesnt understand my anxiety or disordered eating or depression, in general. actually, we've been fighting a lot because he thinks i havent been telling him things when im actually trying my hardest, i dont share very well after all these years.

sorry this post sucks and its long overdue. im hoping to catch up on your posts as my nights get longer and i start falling down the hole again.

bmi 19.3.

you dont know what goes on in there.

ive been finding it hard to find the words to say to you beautiful ladies. i dont know how i feel right now, or how i am. its been a whirlwind of smiles, the deepest depression ive probably had yet, anxiety, tears, love, stress, self harm, and panic attacks. i never have a complete good day. i either start my day off with a panic attack, after weighing myself, or have one in class after being triggered, or at the end of the day for no god damn reason like last fucking night. i punched a pole for fucks sake.

my weight has fluctuated from 135-123 since i last posted. ive binged 5/11 days and fasted 2/11 days. my intakes have fluctuated from -100kcal to almost 2250kcal. ive run one mile, done 2 hours of yoga, and hula hooped thrice (15min).

most of my days consist of pot, andrew, chilling hard, business, and school, in that order. im taking a couple days break from smoking just to see how it affects me, who knows! but heres how the second third of february has gone:

- i realized im much more triggered when i see girls eating junk. like i will literally have a panic attack in class if some girl is eating some packaged junk food next to me, or around me. on the other hand, ive always tried to make my boys fat so boys eating junk has no effect on me. honestly that makes me feel stronger if im not eating with them, for some reason. (and by my boys, im referring to pretty much my entire group of friends of which i am one of few girls)

- im surprised im getting away with all of this. you would think your parents would try to do something when their child is up at odd hours of the night crying. of course, they dont know the half of it. my mom now texts me telling me to eat, and every time she sees me, she says something about my tired and "too thin" appearance. whatever.

- being more so depressed recently has really started putting a strain on things in my life. im always anxious and on edge, quick to get irritated and angry. its affecting my relationship with andrew a lot and i dont really know how to change it. BUT he doesnt make me eat anymore, so that makes me life a little easier. storytime: the day after valentines day, i took off my shirt when i was changing and he said i was skinny. then he said he could see my ribs. and then he told me i was beautiful. i really didnt know what to say at that point.

- guys, i now have zero sex drive. wooooooooooo.

- recently ive been thinking about trying to get better. its so physically draining to be constantly sad or anxious, but i really dont know how that would go. i feel like i would just start eating crap again and the whole cycle will just start right the fuck over. but sometimes i get glimpses of wanting to be healthy, calm, and inspiring (kinda, idk), and it confuses me. i hate myself too much to tell what i really want. i kinda want someone to care. to tell me i have a problem and to convince me to do something about it. but no one every takes me seriously.

- speaking of which, i need to work on eating less but more frequently, most days i plan on fasting and then go home and binge on everything because the stress of the day just piles up and apparently thats how i deal with it, stuffing my face until my stomach is distended.

a little bit of cara always makes me smile.

bmi: 18.6.

finally underweight.

i feel strange. accomplished, yet not satisfied. simply put, im going crazy. im constantly crying and having anxiety attacks and the only thing that makes me feel better is pot, or really any other drug, maybe. i never feel like being out anymore. sure, ill have fun with my friends when im out. but half the time i just want to go home to my heated blankets and not wake up for days.

my mom keep worrying about me, telling me that i look like ive been losing weight, and that ive lost a lot in the past 2 months. the problem is, shes blaming it on drugs. i understand it runs in the family and my brother is currently in jail due to the extenuating circumstances of his heroin addiction, but i can handle my drugs. to this day, i dont think theres anything im particularly addicted to. except, probably, psychologically pot. but i dont understand why she cant just see that im sad.

anyways, so here's how the first third of february has gone: 

beginning this month, i was entirely discouraged by the plateau i was at. i spent the first two days binging and after weighing in, i was horrified. i fasted for two days after that, and since then ive had an intake between 178-491. on the fifth, i started a yoga program. a 21 day challenge by yoga journal. i get an email every morning with a 30 minute or so video. ive also been trying to start running in my neighborhood more. ive only been once this week though. but running a mile isnt really that hard now, so i really have to start pushing myself to go longer.

being vegan is actually really awesome. 5/8 days in february so far, and that because of two binge days and international pancake day. andrew and i went to ihop and i ate like 1/8 of one of my free pancakes. haha. i told them i already ate because those things are ridiculously full of calories and things i dont want inside of me. but im really enjoying making awesome vegan foods and veggies when i do actually eat.

speaking of andrew, a couple days ago, he called me beautiful and he said it wasnt a compliment.... boys are fucking confusing.
thirty minutes later, we had this conversation.
him: will you marry me?
me: (laughing)
him: this is serious *sarcastically*
me: i thought we were smoking a bowl...
him: well, they are pretty similar.
me: yeah, whatever's easier really.
okay, it doesnt sound cute when i type it out. but i promise it was and it made me feel all funny inside and all that jazz. :P

heres some awful poetry i probably wrote in a sleep-deprived, depressive daze.

will you bring me flowers,
when im six feet under,
when i need a smile,
when im sick in bed.

will you hold me until the day i pass,
or the day i take myself.
not because i didnt love you.,
but because i didnt love myself.

hold me together while im here,
im sure to stay a little longer,
for you are worth the daily struggle.
and ill do my best to extend my stay.

ill never forget,
this love we made,
however long or short.

please just hold me together a little longer.

bmi: 18.3.

plateau from hell.

well. its been about two weeks since i last posted. ive been trying to keep up with everyones blogs! i read all of them, but sometimes im too tired to comment, but i try! <3

i finished the book skinny bitch. i liked it. a lot. ive had 8/12 vegan days since i last posted. and the only reason for that is one starbucks drink and these crackers im trying to get rid of [one milk product! -_- ].

ive been plataued around 130-128. im hoping for a lower number tomorrow, hopefully, considering i got up at 5:30am to go for a fucking run! BUT this month ive lost a total of 10 pounds. the official number will be tomorrow, but thats still quite an accomplishment! so im going to be proud of myself for a millisecond.

speaking of which, tonight my mom called me asking if i was trying to kill myelf by not eating... like, what. how am i supposed to fucking respond to that? i swear shes so naive sometimes. i dont know what to do, im obviously not going to cave now. im so close to finally being underweight. but i dont know how to get her off my back for a while... i dont know, ill figure something out.

we still havent found a house yet. of course, i havent been as actively looking as i should be,and neither has andrew, so i dont know where this is going. im really trying to make this happen this following month. im tired of having to leave my house an hour and thirty minutes earlier than my class on mornings i have to go to school just to sit in annoying atlanta traffic. bleh.

school, itself, is going satisfactorily. i still have a bunch of issues to clear up with registration, but im working on it. AND I FINALLY GOT MY CAR BACK. i might post pictures soon, shes so cute. my friend has been fixing it for the past three months and i just got it back on sunday, if i remember correctly.

stay lovely!
bmi: 19.0.

the journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

and boy do i need to walk a thousand miles before i look anywhere close to acceptable.
slowly, but surely, ill make it.

i started school this week!
i love going to georgia state.
i like it so much better than uga.
the vibes are better, if that makes sense
 howeveeerr, they are trying to fuck me over.
the admissions office claims they dont have my ap scores and transcript.
which they do.
so now i might get dropped from a class.
which is stressing me out a lot.

on top of that, im sick. :(
i think i had a fever today.
but ive had a terrible cough for like a week now,
terrible headaches, and im always tired, but cant sleep.
some of those symptoms are due to eating less, but still.

i dont know if i told you guys, but...
im going vegan! im gradually replacing/using everything non vegan that i have and eating more vegan foods.
so far most of the foods ive been eating are vegan, but my starbucks isnt.
just because soy milk makes it way too expensive. :'( 
but ill figure that out.

i had a really bad day today,
but im trying to stay positive.
because thats really all i can do.

even if i have this anxious feeling like im about to burst into tears in my chest that wont go away. and im doubting everything in my life right now. and i cried like a dozen times today.



stay lovely. <3 
bmi: 19.6

change.

hello my dears!
ive finally started doing something about my horrendous weight!
ive had two steps back, but im working on it.

monday: i just chilled
bmi: 20.4

tuesday: i signed up for classes.
bmi: 20.6

wednesday: i tried to fix my classes.
bmi: 20.1

thursday: i had a really big business opportunity present itself.
bmi: 19.9

friday: i went to starbucks because my mom messed up my doctor appointment time and had lunch with andrew.
bmi: 19.9

saturday: today! i toured a house with andrew. its a little too small for the price, but we're considering it.
bmi: 20.1

we're moving in together.
i dont know if im happy about it or what.
im excited, obviously. there are a lot fo new things coming into my life.
but im scared.
he could change everything.
nothing could change.
i could change.
i dont know how well i can handle all of it at once.

my mood was better this week.
probably because i was losing weight.
this morning, after the gain, i cried.
ive been cutting again.
i guess its just the way the cycle goes.

there is a little light that shines through the clouds.

sometimes i feel like screaming,
im holding so much inside,
all these jumbled up words ready to spill.
no one would listen anyway.

i realized i cant harness the feeling i have with someone so i could stand on my own,
because that feeling involves being cared for by someone else and not worrying.
hence, alone = anxious mess.

im not losing any weight and thats bothering me.
although im starting to get back on the right track i think.

but my scale is 5 pounds of according to my brother,
i think im going to look for a new one,
but not weigh myself until i have three good days.
im surprised i didnt cry when i found out.
i just kinda sat down and stared blankly at things for a minute. 

today was better.
i didnt wake up angry or sad.
and nothing went wrong.
it was actually pretty awesome. 
and all i had was 8 baby carrots.

i got the book skinny bitch,
that should be an interesting read.

lets just cross out trust and love.

a dark grey has settles over my bones,
my internal forecast
thunderstorms and showers,
lightening aimed straight at my heart.

every say i wake up alone,
i feel anxious and tense.
i start crying,
my entire day unwinding until puffs of smoke calm me down.
i dont feel better,
im just getting by.

if i wake up in andrews arms,
its entirely different,
i feel at peace,
someone else cares.
but i dont trust anyone anymore.

my best friend and ex boyfriend wont speak to me,
he says he isnt over me yet,
and i spent most of new years eve crying about that.
ive come to the realization that its okay,
i just miss him terribly,
but i dont know whether or not im in love with him anymore,
i dont know,
i dont think so.

shattered messages,
pieces of a tangled past scattered.
you cannot read her pages.

i keep having suicidal thoughts.