Wednesday, February 20, 2013

you dont know what goes on in there.

ive been finding it hard to find the words to say to you beautiful ladies. i dont know how i feel right now, or how i am. its been a whirlwind of smiles, the deepest depression ive probably had yet, anxiety, tears, love, stress, self harm, and panic attacks. i never have a complete good day. i either start my day off with a panic attack, after weighing myself, or have one in class after being triggered, or at the end of the day for no god damn reason like last fucking night. i punched a pole for fucks sake.

my weight has fluctuated from 135-123 since i last posted. ive binged 5/11 days and fasted 2/11 days. my intakes have fluctuated from -100kcal to almost 2250kcal. ive run one mile, done 2 hours of yoga, and hula hooped thrice (15min).

most of my days consist of pot, andrew, chilling hard, business, and school, in that order. im taking a couple days break from smoking just to see how it affects me, who knows! but heres how the second third of february has gone:

- i realized im much more triggered when i see girls eating junk. like i will literally have a panic attack in class if some girl is eating some packaged junk food next to me, or around me. on the other hand, ive always tried to make my boys fat so boys eating junk has no effect on me. honestly that makes me feel stronger if im not eating with them, for some reason. (and by my boys, im referring to pretty much my entire group of friends of which i am one of few girls)

- im surprised im getting away with all of this. you would think your parents would try to do something when their child is up at odd hours of the night crying. of course, they dont know the half of it. my mom now texts me telling me to eat, and every time she sees me, she says something about my tired and "too thin" appearance. whatever.

- being more so depressed recently has really started putting a strain on things in my life. im always anxious and on edge, quick to get irritated and angry. its affecting my relationship with andrew a lot and i dont really know how to change it. BUT he doesnt make me eat anymore, so that makes me life a little easier. storytime: the day after valentines day, i took off my shirt when i was changing and he said i was skinny. then he said he could see my ribs. and then he told me i was beautiful. i really didnt know what to say at that point.

- guys, i now have zero sex drive. wooooooooooo.

- recently ive been thinking about trying to get better. its so physically draining to be constantly sad or anxious, but i really dont know how that would go. i feel like i would just start eating crap again and the whole cycle will just start right the fuck over. but sometimes i get glimpses of wanting to be healthy, calm, and inspiring (kinda, idk), and it confuses me. i hate myself too much to tell what i really want. i kinda want someone to care. to tell me i have a problem and to convince me to do something about it. but no one every takes me seriously.

- speaking of which, i need to work on eating less but more frequently, most days i plan on fasting and then go home and binge on everything because the stress of the day just piles up and apparently thats how i deal with it, stuffing my face until my stomach is distended.

a little bit of cara always makes me smile.

bmi: 18.6.


  1. I fucking love Cara!!!!!! I feel like we would be amazing insane friends if ever given the opportunity. Haha her face in the last gif. And yes, boys are confusing, I agree. Well, I hate to leave a short comment but I have to go off to work. <3 Take care.

  2. I agree with the point you made about being weird with girls eating junk, makes me feel so panicky for seemingly no reason, so I know what you're getting at. It's good you've been having thoughts of recovery, and people around you sound like they should be caring more.
    Love C xx

  3. I'm glad I'm not the only college student in full-on life crisis mode right now. What the fuck do we do?
    but I want you to get better. Do what you have to do, and try to be rational. best wishes.

  4. Even thoughts about getting better are good thoughts, it is incredibly daring day in and day out having anxiety, it feels like your heart is constantly on hyper speed. What ever you decide to do we are all here for you, to support you no matter what. Hugs and love <3

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