finally underweight.

i feel strange. accomplished, yet not satisfied. simply put, im going crazy. im constantly crying and having anxiety attacks and the only thing that makes me feel better is pot, or really any other drug, maybe. i never feel like being out anymore. sure, ill have fun with my friends when im out. but half the time i just want to go home to my heated blankets and not wake up for days.

my mom keep worrying about me, telling me that i look like ive been losing weight, and that ive lost a lot in the past 2 months. the problem is, shes blaming it on drugs. i understand it runs in the family and my brother is currently in jail due to the extenuating circumstances of his heroin addiction, but i can handle my drugs. to this day, i dont think theres anything im particularly addicted to. except, probably, psychologically pot. but i dont understand why she cant just see that im sad.

anyways, so here's how the first third of february has gone: 

beginning this month, i was entirely discouraged by the plateau i was at. i spent the first two days binging and after weighing in, i was horrified. i fasted for two days after that, and since then ive had an intake between 178-491. on the fifth, i started a yoga program. a 21 day challenge by yoga journal. i get an email every morning with a 30 minute or so video. ive also been trying to start running in my neighborhood more. ive only been once this week though. but running a mile isnt really that hard now, so i really have to start pushing myself to go longer.

being vegan is actually really awesome. 5/8 days in february so far, and that because of two binge days and international pancake day. andrew and i went to ihop and i ate like 1/8 of one of my free pancakes. haha. i told them i already ate because those things are ridiculously full of calories and things i dont want inside of me. but im really enjoying making awesome vegan foods and veggies when i do actually eat.

speaking of andrew, a couple days ago, he called me beautiful and he said it wasnt a compliment.... boys are fucking confusing.
thirty minutes later, we had this conversation.
him: will you marry me?
me: (laughing)
him: this is serious *sarcastically*
me: i thought we were smoking a bowl...
him: well, they are pretty similar.
me: yeah, whatever's easier really.
okay, it doesnt sound cute when i type it out. but i promise it was and it made me feel all funny inside and all that jazz. :P

heres some awful poetry i probably wrote in a sleep-deprived, depressive daze.

will you bring me flowers,
when im six feet under,
when i need a smile,
when im sick in bed.

will you hold me until the day i pass,
or the day i take myself.
not because i didnt love you.,
but because i didnt love myself.

hold me together while im here,
im sure to stay a little longer,
for you are worth the daily struggle.
and ill do my best to extend my stay.

ill never forget,
this love we made,
however long or short.

please just hold me together a little longer.

bmi: 18.3.