what is hunger. im trying to figure out when i feel it, when i eat because im hungry, what it actually feels like, really. ive spent so long ignoring it or overfeeding it that im lost as to its actual existence.
after a couple weeks of eating a chemical shitstorm, im back to eating mostly clean. i feel a lot better and im more full, and therefore, dont feel the need to eat until i explode or puke, which did happen at some points in the past month.
so my new mantra is what would model do. pretty much, every choice i make must bring out the self i want to portray and be shown as. aka, act like everyone is watching. this will hopefully lead me to make better food choices and eventually lead to me hopefully getting some jobs with this? i dont know, ive always wanted to, but im not small enough, not yet.
i havent made any progress, in fact, im pretty sure i gained weight. but the recently more spring-feeling days are making me feel like shit because i should have progressed way further by now. my spring break is next week and i have nothing to show for it.
i might be signing a lease for a house on monday, and to be honest, im fucking terrified. i tried to explain this to andrew, but he doesnt get it. he doesnt understand my anxiety or disordered eating or depression, in general. actually, we've been fighting a lot because he thinks i havent been telling him things when im actually trying my hardest, i dont share very well after all these years.
sorry this post sucks and its long overdue. im hoping to catch up on your posts as my nights get longer and i start falling down the hole again.
bmi 19.3.
after a couple weeks of eating a chemical shitstorm, im back to eating mostly clean. i feel a lot better and im more full, and therefore, dont feel the need to eat until i explode or puke, which did happen at some points in the past month.
so my new mantra is what would model do. pretty much, every choice i make must bring out the self i want to portray and be shown as. aka, act like everyone is watching. this will hopefully lead me to make better food choices and eventually lead to me hopefully getting some jobs with this? i dont know, ive always wanted to, but im not small enough, not yet.
i havent made any progress, in fact, im pretty sure i gained weight. but the recently more spring-feeling days are making me feel like shit because i should have progressed way further by now. my spring break is next week and i have nothing to show for it.
i might be signing a lease for a house on monday, and to be honest, im fucking terrified. i tried to explain this to andrew, but he doesnt get it. he doesnt understand my anxiety or disordered eating or depression, in general. actually, we've been fighting a lot because he thinks i havent been telling him things when im actually trying my hardest, i dont share very well after all these years.
sorry this post sucks and its long overdue. im hoping to catch up on your posts as my nights get longer and i start falling down the hole again.
The existence of hunger is lost for me too. Sometimes I feel funny in my stomach, but it's more of an unsettled feeling than hungry/full. Hunger and fullness never play a role in why/when I eat anymore.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you haven't gained too much, and you've lost so much recently that it would barely make a difference if you did!
I hope you're feeling a little brighter soon <3 xx
I agree. I can't tell if it'sjust in my mind or it's real. I'll put it off for another hour or two just to make sure I really am. The feeling of full is sort of skewed for me now as well. I eat with a cut off point in mind and that point is based on calories or size. I never eat for saiety. Good luck girl!
ReplyDelete<3
Do you find that if you eat more than normal, you are hungrier than normal? I know that sounds weird, but when I just have a salad for lunch I can last til dinner, but if I buy a panini or something, then I'm really hungry in the afternoon. Maybe it's just me and my messed up body/mind <3 x
ReplyDeleteSigning a lease can be nerve-wracking. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIt's sooooo hard to re-program ourselves into eating when we're hungry, but it can definitely be done. Half of it is learning to be ok with yourself the way you are. And you are definitely lovely. <3
I hope things work out with Andrew. I'm afraid I have no words of wisdom for that, as I'm rubbish with relationships...
xoxoxo!