plateau from hell.

well. its been about two weeks since i last posted. ive been trying to keep up with everyones blogs! i read all of them, but sometimes im too tired to comment, but i try! <3

i finished the book skinny bitch. i liked it. a lot. ive had 8/12 vegan days since i last posted. and the only reason for that is one starbucks drink and these crackers im trying to get rid of [one milk product! -_- ].

ive been plataued around 130-128. im hoping for a lower number tomorrow, hopefully, considering i got up at 5:30am to go for a fucking run! BUT this month ive lost a total of 10 pounds. the official number will be tomorrow, but thats still quite an accomplishment! so im going to be proud of myself for a millisecond.

speaking of which, tonight my mom called me asking if i was trying to kill myelf by not eating... like, what. how am i supposed to fucking respond to that? i swear shes so naive sometimes. i dont know what to do, im obviously not going to cave now. im so close to finally being underweight. but i dont know how to get her off my back for a while... i dont know, ill figure something out.

we still havent found a house yet. of course, i havent been as actively looking as i should be,and neither has andrew, so i dont know where this is going. im really trying to make this happen this following month. im tired of having to leave my house an hour and thirty minutes earlier than my class on mornings i have to go to school just to sit in annoying atlanta traffic. bleh.

school, itself, is going satisfactorily. i still have a bunch of issues to clear up with registration, but im working on it. AND I FINALLY GOT MY CAR BACK. i might post pictures soon, shes so cute. my friend has been fixing it for the past three months and i just got it back on sunday, if i remember correctly.

stay lovely!
bmi: 19.0.

the journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

and boy do i need to walk a thousand miles before i look anywhere close to acceptable.
slowly, but surely, ill make it.

i started school this week!
i love going to georgia state.
i like it so much better than uga.
the vibes are better, if that makes sense
 howeveeerr, they are trying to fuck me over.
the admissions office claims they dont have my ap scores and transcript.
which they do.
so now i might get dropped from a class.
which is stressing me out a lot.

on top of that, im sick. :(
i think i had a fever today.
but ive had a terrible cough for like a week now,
terrible headaches, and im always tired, but cant sleep.
some of those symptoms are due to eating less, but still.

i dont know if i told you guys, but...
im going vegan! im gradually replacing/using everything non vegan that i have and eating more vegan foods.
so far most of the foods ive been eating are vegan, but my starbucks isnt.
just because soy milk makes it way too expensive. :'( 
but ill figure that out.

i had a really bad day today,
but im trying to stay positive.
because thats really all i can do.

even if i have this anxious feeling like im about to burst into tears in my chest that wont go away. and im doubting everything in my life right now. and i cried like a dozen times today.



stay lovely. <3 
bmi: 19.6

change.

hello my dears!
ive finally started doing something about my horrendous weight!
ive had two steps back, but im working on it.

monday: i just chilled
bmi: 20.4

tuesday: i signed up for classes.
bmi: 20.6

wednesday: i tried to fix my classes.
bmi: 20.1

thursday: i had a really big business opportunity present itself.
bmi: 19.9

friday: i went to starbucks because my mom messed up my doctor appointment time and had lunch with andrew.
bmi: 19.9

saturday: today! i toured a house with andrew. its a little too small for the price, but we're considering it.
bmi: 20.1

we're moving in together.
i dont know if im happy about it or what.
im excited, obviously. there are a lot fo new things coming into my life.
but im scared.
he could change everything.
nothing could change.
i could change.
i dont know how well i can handle all of it at once.

my mood was better this week.
probably because i was losing weight.
this morning, after the gain, i cried.
ive been cutting again.
i guess its just the way the cycle goes.

there is a little light that shines through the clouds.

sometimes i feel like screaming,
im holding so much inside,
all these jumbled up words ready to spill.
no one would listen anyway.

i realized i cant harness the feeling i have with someone so i could stand on my own,
because that feeling involves being cared for by someone else and not worrying.
hence, alone = anxious mess.

im not losing any weight and thats bothering me.
although im starting to get back on the right track i think.

but my scale is 5 pounds of according to my brother,
i think im going to look for a new one,
but not weigh myself until i have three good days.
im surprised i didnt cry when i found out.
i just kinda sat down and stared blankly at things for a minute. 

today was better.
i didnt wake up angry or sad.
and nothing went wrong.
it was actually pretty awesome. 
and all i had was 8 baby carrots.

i got the book skinny bitch,
that should be an interesting read.

lets just cross out trust and love.

a dark grey has settles over my bones,
my internal forecast
thunderstorms and showers,
lightening aimed straight at my heart.

every say i wake up alone,
i feel anxious and tense.
i start crying,
my entire day unwinding until puffs of smoke calm me down.
i dont feel better,
im just getting by.

if i wake up in andrews arms,
its entirely different,
i feel at peace,
someone else cares.
but i dont trust anyone anymore.

my best friend and ex boyfriend wont speak to me,
he says he isnt over me yet,
and i spent most of new years eve crying about that.
ive come to the realization that its okay,
i just miss him terribly,
but i dont know whether or not im in love with him anymore,
i dont know,
i dont think so.

shattered messages,
pieces of a tangled past scattered.
you cannot read her pages.

i keep having suicidal thoughts.

i "dont" feel.

my thoughts dont flow anymore,
i would write more,
if my mind could actually focus on anything other than destruction.

i dont want to be here,
but i cant leave,
i fall in between the crevices of vague hopes,
and all i really want is to disappear.

mornings frequently arrive with tears and hatred,
every day is a cycle of getting as inebriated as possible,
on anything that's offered.

i dont know if what i feel occasionally is truly happiness,
or the face i play to get less questions.

im a liar and a terrible person,
and im about to destroy everything in my path,
to prove absolutely nothing.
except maybe a black heart.

bmi 20.9

(not so) happy thanksgiving.

i want to write something beautiful that will make your hearts soar and your spirits rise, but im afraid ive been on the verge of tears all day and the dam simply shattered when i returned home this evening. 

wednesday i spent the entire day throwing up for no apparent reason other than the fact that my body hates me. intake = zero.

thursday was thanksgiving. i ate too much. intake = 950.

today was alright. i fasted today. i havent had a cig in three days now, and its weird. i like everything about cigs, but my friend got into my car smelling like an ashtray and i have never been more nauseated in my life. oh, well. i know im not quitting forever, but its nice to save money for now. 

on the mental side of things, im sad. im really really fucking sad. my mood can just go cliff diving at the smallest things. 

i have never wanted to disappear more in my life.