day 4/35.

so i weighed myself this morning and got really sad.
148.
youre supposed to be LOSING not GAINING sofia.

but i did better with the eating today.
~677.
wooooottt. but i didnt exercise which bothers me.
i should get on that.
my problem is i like exercising at night.
and i would usually run in my neighborhood.
but now my neighborhood has these dogs that like to run around and scare the fuck outta me.

until tomorrow my lovelies.

day 3/35.

i didnt weigh myself.
which is bad because i think when i weigh myself i want to do better.

but today was my fat day anyway.
i know its only day three.
but i always eat a lot on wednesdays.

im not gonna tell you how much i ate.
because i dont want to think about it myself.
and im kinda embarassed.
i mean it wasnt THAT bad.
it was "healthy" i suppose.
but that not good enough.

my mom knows i havent been eating a lot.
which i dont get...
because she didnt notice over the summer.
when i actually was losing weight.
its so weird.

anyway,
i dont really have much to say.
other than i need to sleep more.
ive had 15 hours of sleep for 4 days.
and its seriously affect my eating...
making me eat more obviously.
but oh well.
im gonna get like 7 or so hours tonight.

later.

day 2/35.

so this is what happened after i posted yesterday.
i wrote my practice SAT essay.
then did some calculus.

then i went to ballet.
once again, fattest girl there.
i hate that feeling.
i get it every week and it will never change until im skinny.
i cant fucking wait.

then there was a DOUBLE RAINBOW outside!
i didnt take a picture...
so heres one a friend of mine took.

you can just barely see the second one.
anyways, it was beautiful.

then i went to my tutor.
came home... did homework and was planning not to eat.
but i was hit with a really bad mood.
but i ended up under 1000, if you subtract the calories for ballet.

my friend called me last night at like one,
and we just started talking about how life is worthless,
how we wish we were religious so we could believe in something,
like because just dying is scary.
like we live to die. we dont matter.
i cant talk about this anymore or ill have another flashback.
anyways, after that my mother yelled at me.
and i was just outside crying and shit.
and idk. i ended up cutting.
but then when i walked out of the bathroom my mom came up to me and hugged me and asked me how can i help. and i was like. whaa?
she doesnt know. but idk.
i felt so bad afterwards, because my boyfriend called me and was like you cant think like that baby, i care about you and shit. he doesnt know either.
i just... ugh. oh, well. new day today.

woke up and weighed myself today.
146.
yaaaayyyy.
that means my goal is 138.
-wishing myself luck-

well today all ive had is salad(100), crackers with cheese(115), and soup(60).
im currently having flavored water, pink lemonade. so thats a few more calories.
i dont know if i want to go to dance tonight, im just not feeling it.

i want it to get colder.
i want to go to portland halloween weekend,
because i miss my boo like crazy.
and i just cant do this without him.
i havent seen him in 17 days.
heres to another 5 weeks of this shit?
fml. ugh, i have to think positive.
and also, i refuse to be an elephant when i see him again.

and so i wont be.

day 1/35.

i forgot to weigh myself this morning.

i ended up having 650 calories yesterday.
not too bad.
i did some exercises too,
not as much as i wanted but i had to do homework.

i probably shouldnt be writing this post considering i have a practice sat essay to write.... eh ive got an hour.

im pretty much done eating for the day.
ive had 905, which is okay i guess.
for this week i just want to stay under 1000...
because my body isnt used to it.
and as it is i got into a bad mood today for no flippin reason.
hahahaha. flippin.
today wouldnt have been so bad if i hadnt asked for that cake cookie in calculus.
like... im like hey, can i have one? and the girl's like... sure.
and hands me one. and as soon as she gives it to me im like crap.
i dont want to eat this, i dont want to eat this.
but i didnt want to hurt her feelings.
damnit, now that i think of it i could have just "saved it for later"
ugh. now ill know for future reference.

so after this, ill do some sat, do some homework.
go to ballet, go to sat tutor.
i wish i could go to the gym after, but... damn tutor.
maybe i can go after that.
i might be too tired though.
because im still gonna do some stuff in my room at night.
aight, we'll see.

but like i said... im basically done eating...
because im not gonna eat an hour before ballet.
and then i cant eat in between.
and once i get home, itll be 830 or so.
and im not eating after 8.
well, if i do itll be something small.
like half a fruit or a pickle.

i wish i had weighed myself though...
because i still dont know what im reaching for,
well, it shouldnt matter.
i still want to lose as much as possible.

one day you'll be able to spin me around and ill truly feel like im yours. silly as that sounds. я люблю тебя. i love you. (:

i REFUSE to be up a weight notch. REFUSE.

although i havent slept i decided to fuck it and weigh myself.
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD IDEA.


....149.

DUHN DUHN DDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHN.

fml.

last time i ate was 530 am.
and i had the other half of my dinner.

im thinking for the rest of today i have.... 500 cal?
that sounds good.
and lots of water.
that way when i weigh myself tomorrow i wont want to kill myself.

i gained 3 pounds from my birthday excursion.
and the only person i can blame is myself.
ugh. im disgusted with myself.

and to make it worse.
yesterday my mom said...
you know over the course of this fall break.
[[i had a break this week.]]
your cheeks have gotten bigger.

F.
M.
L.

NEXT GOAL IS FOR HALLOWEEN.
in exactly 5 weeks is all hallows eve.
i will weigh myself tomorrow and see what i have to work with.
i would like to be at least 140 by then.
if not, lower.
either 140 or 8 pounds, whichever is lower tomorrow.

0/35.

breakdown.

-i want for my boyfriend to think im fragile.
-i want to be able to say... they dont have my size... they dont have xs. [[because i heard this girl say that at the store today. and i wanted to punch her.]]
-i want people to say that im hot, rather than cute.
-i want to be able to be picked up and spun around.
-i want to feel like i deserve being loved.
-i want to be able to look good in tight clothes.
-i want loose clothes to still make me look skinny.
-i want to have a flat tummy.
-i want to be a size 5... or lower.
-i want to not think about what i look like, and just know that i look good.

-i dont want to think about the scale anymore.
-i dont want this fat anymore.
-i dont want these doubts anymore.
-i dont want to care anymore.

i want to be beautiful.

-27

im not really caring about weight right now.

but i did take a 15 minute cold shower.
im still cold and its been 30 minutes.
so i hope i burned a bit from that.

i realized, this right here, is a lifestyle.
like, i tried to let go and relax about it today.
but i couldnt.
hmm. i mean i still ate.
but idk. i had half a pizza, but no cake.

and its my bday, youre supposed to have cake.
right?
oh well.

i wish i could live on my own,
i could buy only what i needed,
and i could get healthy stuff,
and buy nothing in bulk.

i cant wait till i can move out...
and hopefully in with my boy. (:
hmm... im looking to far ahead... oh well.

damn im cold... blanket time!

-26.5

gained a half pound.

didnt eat anything until 3.
woke up at 11.
ate a lot by 4.

didnt eat anymore until now. (11)

currently baking cookies.
have to get them out of the house.
also, alll the fucking cheese needs to magically disappear.
i keep craving it and gave in today.

i mean, im below my BMR.
but i still think im gonna gain.
damn it.

i give up on the diet thing until sunday.
then we'll talk diet.
until then... im enjoying my birthday,
peace.

-26.

I just binged like crazy.
I don't know why I did it.
if I could purge I would.

I feel full. and hot. and sick.
damn it.
why do I do this to myself.

ugh. I don't want to talk.
maybe when I go home I'll go for a run.
I don't want to eat tomorrow.
maybe I won't.
I'm really irked.

edit::
tomorrow im going to stick with fruits, veggies, and green tea.
in preparation for my bday friday.

although i wanted to have a lax day and chill at home,
but i made plans to go "shopping"
hmm. ill always binge with this friend.
so i hope that changes.
because i want to see that title going down in number.

later.

-26.

so i lost a pound.
have no idea how.

ive been having a really bipolar day.

i was having a really good day calorie-wise until i went driving at 10.
i wanted soda. so i went to the grocery store.
and my brother asked me to buy chips.
FAIL.
had like 450 cal worth of chips.
maybe more. but gaah.

intake:
-2 crackers = 20 cal.
-tomato = 25 cal.
-potatoes = 250 cal. (at two different times)
-monster = 20 cal.
-chips = 450 cal.
-chocolate = 110 cal.
TOTAL: 875 cal.

i mean. thats not TOO bad.
but not as good as i would have hoped.
like i was good until i had dinner at 8.
then i went above the 300 cal point.
and decided to "reward myself"
once again. FAIL.

i didnt drink enough water today, at all.
like i had... maybe 2 cups.
but i had like 20 oz diet dr. pepper, 2 cans of vanilla coke zero, and a monster.
i need to lay off the soda. oh well.

im just gonna see how long i can go without food starting now. sounds good, kay.

my 100th post.

234 pm-

since im gonna be home for the next week.
imma post more often.
i dont want to post more than once in a day.
so im gonna start doing times.

i looked at myself like an hour ago.
like... i looked at my legs.
and i felt absolutely disgusted.
i didnt understand how i could let myself get like this.
and 27 pounds heavier.
i must have been hideous.
what is wrong with me.

im eating my second meal for today. cucumber.
feeling alright, a bit tired.
need to take a shower soon, cold ofc.

later.



824 pm-

i wish i had better news for my 100th post.
i stopped counting calories after 1000.
i probably had around 1500.
but im not eating the rest of tonight.
and im gonna go for a walk tonight.

i realized earlier... im half way to my goal.
i mean that sucks.
but i know i can keep going.
it took me 3-4 months to lose 27 lbs.
and ive sustained for a month now.
and now i just need to kick it into gear.
and go at it again.

i can do it. right?
RIGHT. no question.

next post will be a thinspo.

and the scale says... -27.

147.
looking at that big number still tells me i have a really long way to go.
i think i need to come up with a smaller goal.

something i can do for myself when i get to... saayy...
140?
idk. 27 lbs just seems a bit... over bearing.

i think im going to go make myself an omelette.
hopefully my brother ate all the desserts we have bought.
and i dont have to deal with those.

i shall return later for a status report.
i feel all jiggly though, damn.

I HATE FAT.

okay now im done.

fml.

i wish i could keep thinspo in my kitchen.
like i didnt eat until 9,
like i said.

but then i didnt stop damnit.
like i wish i didnt have to eat... that would be easier.
i think ill stop eating now.


kay sounds good.

worthless.

i was supposed to water fast today.
ill tell you the story though.
then maybe youll get it.

yesterday around... 9 maybe?
its hit me that i wont see my boyfriend for 2 months.
my best friend hates me.
and thinks im a worthless piece of shit.
and i just felt worthless, fat, and ugly.

for somereason i felt really bloated,
my insides felt squished
so i took some ibuprofen.
didnt help.
then all of sudden i felt like harming myself.
i dont know why it kinda scares me.
like... i cut myself for the first time.
and hopefully for the last time.
im not trying to look for attention.
i just... i thought it would help.
maybe, it did maybe it didnt.

anyways, i was really scared.
so i called my boyfriend.
he didnt pick up.
but i decided that i would waterfast to make myself less ugly and fat.
and somehow that would make me worth people and being alive or whatever.

but then he called back.
and he made me feel happy again.
so i forgot about it.
but now i feel the same again.
not worthless.
because my exfriend is just a piece of fucking shit,
that hopefully ends up in a crackhouse.
but i still feel fat and ugly.
so im not gonna eat again until 9.
and then its only gonna be vegs/fruits.
ill be up till 12 at least, talking to my boy.
and ill take a walk during that time.

i still havent weighed myself.
im kinda scared.

damn it.
i miss my baby.
i love you, im sending that telepathically.
because i say it enough over text. haha.

alright, till next time.

-28.5

it's pretty much a month later.
and I've gained.
three or four days ago I was 148.5.

but I'm starting this up again.
I want to be 120.

because right now.
I'm really fucking annoyed with my fat love handles.
they're like. beyond fat.
they just bulge.

so starting today.
i will eat under 700 cal.
I will run at least 1 mile on dance days.
I will do cardio for 45 minutes on non dance days.
I will look at thinspo. and tips.
I will take cold showers/baths.
I will do this.

my boyfriend moved across the country.
and I want to be pretty the next time he sees me.
I don't want to be an elephant.
I will weigh myself tomorrow morning.
and then the journey begins again.