day three: your parents.

dear mommy and daddy,
i wish i could tell you more about my life. i wish i could be more honest with you. i wish i could tell you i was depressed, but i know you see it. you just dont know what to do and that's alright.
im sorry that it looks like im trying to push you away. i kind of am. i hate being at home, and the reson for this i do not know. i just feel so choked here, like everything has to be prim and proper and i cant do the shit i want to do.
i like smoking. ive done it more than once. i yelled at you a lot back then because i was smoking everyday, thats why i acted to sketch all the time.
mom, dont blame yourself for my change. it would have happened sooner or later. i just needed to be free, and the vacation you took gave me that.
daddy, i dont like it that youre so religious. it makes me feel like everything i do is wrong. and i dont like it, and that is probably why i dont like to talk to you so much. im sorry.
i like sinning.
but basically, i love you.
-sofia.

todays weigh-in:
134 lb.
i think i drank too much chardonnay.

today i went to the world of coke,
yayy!
too much soda. :P

i have a snow day tomorrow.

i dont really have much to say...
sorry.

im not baking until i hit 125,
(i baked again today, fml)
theres so much i want to make!
so that must be soon.
i would restart the gm,
but im going on a date next saturday,
so i would have to break it.
so maybe abc?... maybe.

im happier today.
well, kinda.

i hate food.

i dont know what im doing anymore.

i like feeding other people,
feeding them loads and loads of calories,
while i sit and watch,
i must remember not to eat any in the making, though.

todays weigh-in:
133.5 lb.

intake:
2 biscuits with butter (~350)
one cupcake (~200)
grapes (~30)
exercise:
none, again, because i suck.
net:
around 580 cal.

im so confused about what i want.
first, i want help.
then i dont.
then i want to be used somehow.
then i just feel like crying.
im a fucking mess.

i gave away all my extra frosting today,
i didnt go to the rave,
i know i feel like dancing,
but i dont feel like going to a place i dont know,
and not knowing when im gonna come home.
although, i feel like being taken advantage of.
my mind is in a strange place right now.
this probably isnt good.

i drank chardonnay as i was putting my makeup on today,
i kinda had a mental breakdown though,
because i put on all this makeup,
and then i freaked out and had the need to take it all off,
and start over,
this happened twice.
it was slightly irritating.

i wrote all this earlier.
i am much better now.

although i have a crisis,
i made macaroni for my brother,
all we had was whole wheat pasta,
which he hates,
so there about 2-3 servings leftover.
should i throw it away?
i mean, i think im strong enough not to eat it...
but at some point im gonna want it. haha.

ive been fasting since 12pm est.
thank you to everyone who commented on my last post.
i love you all,
im serious.
i wish i knew you guys in real life.

thank you again,
stay lovely.

disapointment

this is what happens when you drink sofia,
you find that its okay too eat.
but it isnt.
i hate these kinds of posts.
but whatever, i was 132.5 this morning.
and i just ruined it.
i might be fasting tomorrow,
but im going to a rave tomorrow night.
i feel like absolute shit,
i was so happy. until i ate...
ill get you a better update tomorrow.
i really cant think.
i feel like crying.
fucking hell, i wish i could purge.
and i was on a four day streak without binging!
i know thats not a lot, but it is for me.
-low point-

p.s. ill start this diet over soon,
and strictly follow the rules,
like dont drink soda, and stuff.
i need to fast soon.
maybe on sunday.
i need to get with it.
may or may not weigh in tomorrow,
definitely going to the gym.

gm diet: day four: bananas and milk.

i see pictures of delicious food on tumblr,
and i want to cry because a fatass like me cant have that.

weigh-in:
133.5 lb.
seriously, kill me.

intake:
4 bananas (480)
1 yogurt (80)
1/2 cup milk (45)
bread(15)
exercise:
none because i suck.
net:
620 cal.
(bananas really arent worth all the calories)

i replaced yogurt for milk,
because i very much dislike milk.

tomorrow is russian christmas,
so i will baking instead of going to school,
(my choice, because i love baking. :P)
heres the list of possibilities i will be shopping for tonight:
red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting
mocha cupcakes with mocha buttercream frosting
devil's food cupcakes with milk chocolate buttercream frosting
and...
lemon cupcakes with cream cheese frosting and candied lemon zest.

i asked ryan what he wants me to make,
and he chose cupcakes...
so there we go!
also, im leaning towards the mocha ones,
since he loves coffee haha.

im also trying to make nondesserts:
sweet love knots
some really spiffy mac and cheese
buttermilk biscuits
and...
these russian cheese bread things

(im not making all of these, haha.)

im really sorry if that made you hungry,
since this diet restricts me from a lot of foods,
ive been looking at food a lot.
its quite irritating,
OH MY GOD! the thought of french fries is killing me,
i sit there at lunch and watch the majority of the table munching on fries and cookies,
and i just die a little on the inside.
but i am strong and must not buy them.

i almost binged tonight,
this diet is really killing me on the inside,
like, i NEEDED that bread,
i dont even like bread.
[[this thing is doing crazy things to my head]]
but it was amazing because i knew it was forbidden.
maybe i should just give up,
and accept that ill be fat forever.

fuck this.

gm diet: day three: fruits and vegetables (no bananas)

the day started off disappointing with this...

todays weigh-in:
134 lb.
NOTHING. :(

intake:
clementine (35)
1 1/2 apple (120)
1/4 cantaloupe (50)
51 blueberries (40)
russian salad (125)
cucumber and tomato salad (50)
exercise:
1.5 mile walk (-100)
net:
420-100=
320 cal.

but, i woke up to this text:
"good morning pretty girl"
(:

today i wore a shirt with a zipper that goes all the way down,
its quite kinky. and i like it. ;D
and so did ryan, haha.

chewing and spitting is weird.

today ryan texted me...
"im glad your[e] working out instead of not eating"
first, what the fuck is that supposed to mean.
second, if only he knew i was doing both.
and third, my decisions are my decisions,
speculation is not necessary.
although, i guess it's what i get for telling him anything.

im always cold now,
someone says its hot in class,
and i whisper "im freezing."

i hope i see a change on the scale tomorrow.

why does my mother expect so much out of me?
she does whatever to make my screwup brother happy,
and yet i get yelled at for a c in an APCLASS.
i mean, fuck her.
i love my brother, but it just isnt fair.

i might be in a bad mood,
but im okay.

stay lovely.

gm diet: day two: potato breakfast and vegetables

im getting RIDICULOUS cravings.
and for nothing in particular.
just for everything thats bad for me.

todays weigh-in:
134 lb.

intake:
potato (100)
hummus (42)
cucumber (45)
1 tsp italian dressing (13)
about 1/2 cup russian salad consisting of cabbage, corn, and vegenaise (?125)
2 pickles (10)
exercise:
walking to/from school (-30)
jazz, although we didnt do much (-200)
net:
335-230=
105 cal.

awesome.
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate
i took a fucking quiz, just because i was curious.
apparently im really fucked up.

i really miss ryan,
i cant see him,
due to it being a school night...
and him having to do stuff.
i really think he likes me, really really.
well, i can only hope.

my jazz teacher needs to stop asking me how im losing weight,
its kinda awkward, because i cant tell her truth...

emotionwise, ive been good today.
a little off, but nothing serious,
which is good.

stay lovely, ladies.
(and the gentlemen, too.)

gm diet: day 1: fruits (no bananas)

i will not lose any weight if i fast/ restrict well one day, and binge the next.
every other day isnt good enough.

Day One All fruits except bananas.
Your first day will consist of all the fruits you want.
It is strongly suggested that you consume lots of melons the first day.
Especially watermelon and a loupe.
If you limit your fruit consumption to melons,
your chances of losing three lbs. on first day are very good.

todays weigh-in:
136.5 lb

intake:
apple (100)
2/5 cantaloupe (80)
50 raspberries (50)
coffee (5)
2 mints (10)
exercise:
walking around the mall (-75)
net:
245-75=
170 cal.

will wants to be friends,
and then he doesnt,
he needs to make up his mind,
i cant handle the instability.
im not strong enough to handle it.
im really quite the forgiving person.

after the gm diet,
i will retake my measurements.
this link gives a good explanation of the gm diet,
for those interested.

thank you very much to everyone
who commented on my last post,
much appreciated,
it was a bad night,
but it is indeed in the past.

im really happy right now,
because i figured everything out with will,
and its just a lot less stress i have to deal with,
although, tomorrow is first day back to school. :P

stay lovely.