i didnt ask for this.

i still havent eaten.
i think im feeling a little better.
i like marlboro reds.
im getting bud and booze soon.
im really confused.
i went to ballet today.
130.

[[edit:: i couldnt sleep and so i ate. 270-150=120 cal.
i hope to anything good on this earth that i did not gain.]]

thanks to anorexia, i have overcome emotional eating.

ryan told me he didnt like me.
i had to fake smiles all night long.
came home and cried for 30 minutes.
my mother decided to question me...
while i was crying.
i hate her.
shes just so weak.
but so am i.
i need a drink.
food repulses me.
132.

i fell into the pit of demons.

and theyre eating me alive.
i wont let let them start eating you too,
i cant.

i updated my measurements a couple days ago.

i should be used to disappointment.

to everyone the usually texts me,
i turned off my phone.
i cant, i just cant talk to anyone.

im in pain.
but i dont feel anything.

i hope im happier next time i post,
you guys dont deserve this.

i dont deserve food,
i dont deserve happiness,
im completely worthless.

maybe if i was skinnier he would have remembered.

bye.

when i grow up, im gonna have my own bakery.

i miss baking so much...
i should never have started.
(this bakery will be a bakery/gym combo, most definitely)

today's weigh-in:
133 lb.
as predicted.

fasting.
1/2 cups of kefir (70) with vitamins and diet pill.
[[edit: i broke my fast, im estimating 380-120=260 cal.]]

i hate hurting people,
which is why im thinking about leaving ryan,
we're not even anything yet.
so it would be okay,
but im so dependent...
and confused.
he makes me so happy,
but i make him so sad. :/

... i cant believe i wrote that this morning.

yeah, so today i baked.
so kill me, but i didnt have any.
i made chocolate chip muffins,
nothing fancy.
forgive me in advance for the photos.

and some with cherries...

hey, look! its me! in an apron! forgive the bulgy-ness.

moose apron!

i dont really have much to say...
fast went alright today.
i did drink though.
so theres some cals,
but i didnt have much.

stay lovely.

thinspo
(to make up for the muffin pictures (: )

no excuses.

im not going to give you any mopey excuses.
i will just state the facts.
im on my period for the first time in months.
i binged.
i weighed in at 131 this morning,
but i ruined it.
better post tomorrow.
im fasting.

i dont want you to get lost inside my mind.

i dont know what to do.
im afraid...
im afraid of eating,
im afraid of letting ryan in,
i trust him,
but if i start telling him my thoughts...
then he'll get lost inside of them,
and i dont want to make him sad,
he doesnt deserve that.

todays weigh-in:
133 lb.

fasted until 9 pm est.
that makes 46 hours,
my new longest fast.
had kefir (70) in the morning,
and then for dinner (breaking the fast) i had...
romaine leaves with mustard (10) + soup (60) + 2 chips (29) = dinner (99)
thats less than yesterday!
and i ate, haha.
oh, and i only ate the chips because i was craving them,
but i had two then walked away...
moderation, ayyee?
and plus, i am so ridiculously full right now.

i dont really have much to write about.
i walked 2.5 miles today in the icey snow.
i saw ryan. (:
im in a weird mood.

i really dont have much to say.
other than i love fasting.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO
CINNAMON BROWN!!!
(:

day four: a sibling

dear ilya,
i love you so much. and i wish we spent more time together, but i understand why you dont like to be at home. i dont either.
im sort of following in your footsteps; i know thats bad, but i cant help it. its better than being boring.
im going to ask you one thing: please dont leave me here alone. i wouldnt be able to take it here in this hell without knowing youll come "home" eventually.

i love you,
sofia.

todays weigh-in:
136 lb.
i strangely dont even care.

fasting.
for digestive purposes primarily.
(my tummy hurts whenever i eat)
1 cup of kefir (140) + 1 cup hot cocoa (50)

i really miss ryan,
i havent seen him in two days.
i spent the day with my group of friends,
i walked 6.5 miles.
(so im thinking i burned off those drinks)

after coming home, i got yelled at.
quite a bit.
i went to my room to change so i could go back out,
then when coming to the realization that i had nowhere to go,
i started crying hardcore.

im better now.
i would like to share with you...
a poem cinnamon brown shared with me.

Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

currently craving chinese,
oh well, not gonna have that for a while.

stay lovely.








love heeerrr.









no. they are not.