Monday, November 5, 2012

does it ever change?

its not the same, but it really is.

ive been away for two months. i still dont eat right, purge, cut, and other silly things. i think im in love, but who knows. 

i still dont know how much i weigh, but dont have the will to spend money on a scale. although i probably should, i dont know whether it would be better or worse for my brain.

i have panic attacks on the daily. today was the first monday when i could actually suppress a panic attack when i woke up. two weeks ago monday, i have six or seven panic attacks. it was fucking terrible.

i think im losing weight, but i feel so huge, so maybe not. im not counting nearly as much as i used to. i purge way more than i used to, probably because ive gotten better at it. silver lining? no, not at all. i always feel guilty afterwards, so i cut, which doesnt make anything better. then i just sit there with a blank stare wondering where my life is going.

im transferring colleges which should help with my mental sanity, considering im moving closer to andrew. hes rational. its nice. [hes also crazy and hot as hell, so that doesnt hurt. you know how i like crazyy (; ]

but heres the gist of my thinking, i want to lose weight, but i dont want to feel like shit, but i dont know which is the cause or if theyre even related at all. blech. i normally barely eat during the week and eat one huge unhealthy meal a day on weekends. maybe i should start counting again, but im such a stoner and forget half the things i mean to do anyway.

but im in a pleasant mood today and im going to try to catch up on reading some of your blogs. thanks for sticking around. <3

5 comments:

  1. Glad you're back! ugh finding the cause of mental issues is such a headache, drives everyone insane (haha.)

    Andrew sounds nice it's great that you have someone there for you!

    xx

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  2. Hello lovely! Oh boy, i get you so so much... It's confusion, wanting to feel good, trying not to eat, counting cals, feeling like crap if you don't do diet right... Awful.

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  3. Giiiirrrl, I've missed you!
    Best of luck transferring colleges, I'm more than sure the change will do you good :)

    Thinking of you and sending lots of love!
    Lu.

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  4. sorry for the panic attacks, thats the absolute worst. hope you find a way to find your happy place.

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  5. I just want to send my love, darling.
    Loads and loads of it.
    It's all I have to offer, really.

    I do hope you're okay.
    You're lovely.

    x

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