losing my mind.

i apologize to anyone that has texted me recently. i lost my phone/it got stolen. whatever.
email me if you would like. i check it a thousand times a day: strivingtobebeautiful@gmail.com

lets have a recap of my birthday weekend.
friday: i had an awesome time driving around with my friend M stealing shit and shopping. then i lost my phone, M tells me we cant to a rave that night because her boyfriend doesnt want to go, and i start crying hysterically. i ate a lot.
saturday: woke up at 430 in the afternoon. decided that it wasnt actually my birthday (it was), then refuses to let anyone believe it was my birthday. went to S's house and she made me feel better. went home. decided i felt like being mad at M, went to yell at her, decided that my need for alcohol was stronger than being angry. stayed at matt's house with M and her boyfriend. matt and i hooked up. yeah...
sunday: didnt do shit.

so i ate a lot all weekend. and this morning 9/27 i ended up being 146. LEFUCCCKKK.
today my intake was 240, didnt exercise but stretched a lot and walked home from school.

im starting pointe. i got my shoes and everything. my teacher told me to wear them around the house so i break them in. you know what would be really cool? if i could major in dance. do you know what im too fat to do? anything remotely artistic via the body. this will change. im checking out some other dance studios tomorrow.

im also trying to grow an inch with stretches and such, just to see if i could model.

realizing your dreams too late is such an extraordinary pity.

the skinny trend.

i miss the screams of old friends,
they disappeared from the world,
perhaps they recovered,
i dont want to think of other options.

yesterday i weighed in at 143.
entirely horrendous, and i wasnt expecting it.
however, i intended to start the abc.
and i was at 500 until 2am,
when i binged.

today, on the other hand, ive done quite well.
a total of 180 intake minus 640 exercise.

so im hoping monsieur scale is forgiving tomorrow.

but here are the new rules:
1. each "meal" can have a maximum of two items.
2. no eating after 10 pm. (leads to binging)
3. create to do lists, showing no time for food (getting a planner soon)
4. gym/dance at least once a day.
[[EDIT: 5. leave some of your food on your plate, hence eating less of it.]]
this way i get more done, and i dont eat. win-win.

today i realized, i have way too many dreams.
and dont tell me i have an entire lifetime to do this and that.
i really dont for the stuff i want.
everything has to be decided right now.
for example, in the past couple of days i decided i want to try modeling (have to lose weight for), take more acting classes (have to lose weight for), take pointe (have to lose weight for), take more dance classes (hove to lose weight for).
see a trend?
i dont know what i want to do in college.
i really want to go to new york, i think subconsciously because i want to be closer to that model/acting hub.
but i also dont want to be in hella debt when i get out of college.
im at a loss. either i pick something that makes me a lot of money, or ill pick something im not necessarily good at and either fail at or not make money out of it.

lets just say im at a crossroads and want to give up.
the only thing i know for certain i have to do is lose weight,
which is something i have to do no matter what.

next time i write ill tell you guys about my birthday plans for this weekend. :D
have a lovely day.

just the current state of things.

the good:
both wednesday and friday, i worked out (-400).
on thursday, i had 2.5 hours of dance.
it was glorious. im still sore.

the bad:
i binged a shitton today.
i think i look like i did at the beginning of last school year.
i was 150. and i feel so fucking fat.

the plan:
tomorrow, i fast.
monday morning, i will weigh in. and begin the abc... (again)
monday afternoon, i will tell you that wretched number.
i will make a plan better once i know that number.
i want to 135 by saturday (my 17th birthday)

i will write something better later.
all my love.

p.s tell me what you think... honestly.
these are some pictures of me.
what do you think? also, i think my thigh looks small in the first where that is all that is seen... which is why i like that picture. haha.



... oh, buuhjezzuss im fat. heres a picture from january, where i actually looked small, i wasnt "skinny" but i was definitly smaller. -sigh-
my arms werent gross back then.... well, fuck. its time to do shit up again.

this is me this past summer... i lok the same if not bigger... ew. my arm has a strange lump...

i have a small frame, and im determined to see it.

nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

im fat, kids.
sorry.
ive been in a fast/binge cycle.
its horrendous.

i went to a meeting for nyu today.
lets just say it made me feel entirely insignificant.
i had an anxiety attack afterwards... that was fun.
so i decided,
if i cant succeed anywhere, the least i can do is be skinny.
i didnt succeed in that today. but tomorrow is another day.
and i will not fail.

i will be beautiful.
i will be fragile.
i will be dainty.
i will be me.

i have until the end of this year to get to 118.
im probably around 140 by now with my fattyness.
ill be getting to the gym at least once a day.
and i will be calorie counting.
and i will report good news next time i post.
have good day, lovelies.

im a new person.

i no longer feel.
i cry, but i dont know why.
im considering disowning everyone i know.

i made out with matt... a little.
i dont know whats going on,
and i dont think i care.

im fucking fat.
but im no longer eating.
im fasting right now, i guess.

ive been watching the tudors.
it make me cry when watch or hear anything about love.
i have never been loved.
i will never be loved.
or so it seems.

i hate crying.
but i really dont know what else to do.
i understand if all of you have given up on me,
everyone else leaves.
this community shant be any different.

im rereading wintergirls.
i love that book so much.

hopefully the next time i write,
ill have more things figured out.
if you ever want me to read something of yours, just let me know.
im a lazy ass so a reminder is always nice.
ill be around.