im in an open relationship with a selfish bitch.

i love her, and i hate her.
and we all know her.

+ my weight is finally going down.
- my computer broke.
+ pregnancy scare aborted.
- school fucking sucks... already.
- im tired.
- im still fat.
+ i can visibly see myself getting smaller.

i dont know if i mentioned in my last post, but i am now officially vegan. (dont tell the vegan police that i had frozen yogurt today.) it really helps me with calorie cutting. because i see no purpose in eating bread because i have nothing to put on it... unless i have hummus, hummus will be my diets worst nightmare now. which is actually really funny.

but my ana buddy and i are fasting until friday so i hope i can stick through that.

i had a bit of a pregnancy scare from saturday until today. but thankfully i dont, because andy is a douche and although i still care i guess, i dont want to be associated with him in any time of relationship, friendship or otherwise.

i dont know which i prefer. being numb or being sad... whenever people ask me how i am, i dont know how to respond, it gets sorta irritating. sometimes i even get offended in their asking. but oh, well.

to a better tomorrow. good luck in everything you strive for.

i know all of you deserve more.

than a few sporadic posts every now and then.
and you deserve a lot more than this next post.

one. andy and i broke up when i got back from my vacation. im fine now if i dont think about it, like... i think its better for me that we did... or i should say that he did, but it still hurts to know that i put all my trust in a person that said they wouldnt leave but did. im also fine for some other reasons ill mention below.

two. i now have a supplier of generic zoloft, vyvance, and dexamphetamine. i also have some lexapro from a while ago. ive been taking those. initiall, because i was sad so i took some lexapro, but school is already stressing me out and i have a shitton of work on crime and puinishment due on monday, and a huge project in environmental science due on wednesday and like 5 tests at the beginning of next week... and im freaking out just thinking about it. these pills have given me the opportunity to stop thinking about life. like, when im on them, all i think about is what i need to get done, and what i should do. i dont think about all the shit thats happened or the stressball of fucking hell most people call the possibilities of the future. so basically im numb. which works both in my favor and against me.

three. i recently completed a three day fast. 69.5 hours to be exact. i ate about 500 calories. and started another fast at 5 pm on 8.26.11. my weight is unknown because the pills also give me ridiculous dry mouth so like... yesterday, i drank like 8 water bottles and a few sodas. hella water weight. but im assuming im in the high 130s at this point, realistically.

four. i really like art. that is all.

five. im back bitchesss. (: hope all of you are doing well. I LOVE ALL OF YOU. you'll be hearing from me. thats a promise.

escape.

east cobb.

i live in a place called east cobb.

the people are full fo pride, and have nothing better to do than start drama.

andy and i are fighting.

one of my best friends and i are fighting.

my mom and i are fighting.

yesterday, i cried for 5 hours.

i felt so tired of living,

suicidal thoughts ran through my head frequently.

so i took off.

im at hilton head, south carolina,

and im still sad.

i feel alone.

i just want to feel cared about.

but no one does.

on the brightside,

my calories were under 500.

and im finally getting the hang of restricting again.

i hope you ladies are doing better than i am.

and i hope my vacation treats me kindly.

do you believe in fate?

an uncontrollable force causing things to happen in the universe,
making people meet,
giving you new experiences.

yesterday i fell asleep at 6 when andy was getting his car,
i woke up at 830 and he had already made other plans,
yeah, i didnt see him on our two months.
i went to the gas station to get gas on my way to his house
because he was going swimming with his work friends and kinda invited me.
but as soon as i got there,
matt was there.
so i got gas and we started talking.
then other people showed up, i fed them my cookies.
although matt refused to have one because he was convinced theyd have weed in them,
oh, matthew.
-sigh-

in other news, im more blonde now.
i applied to a frozen yogurt place,
im 143.5 after 1200 yesterday,
im slowly going down, and i havent eating in 7.5 hours.
so im hoping to not eat today.

to all my girls out there,
stay strong and beautiful.
thank you for your comments.

building up the wall.

my mother thinks im fat,
she liked me better when i was 125,
after three days of fasting,
she told me so herself.

my best friend relapsed.

i almost hit 150 lbs.
water weight, but annoying,
i almost gave up,
but im 13 hours into fasting.

today is my two months with andy,
but im haunted by the thoughts of last night,
i flirted with matt.
do you remember him?
we dated for two weeks, he didnt talk to me for one.
total douche, but doesnt change that i think hes cute,
and who even knows why i think hes cute.
hanging out with him brought up thoughts...
i need more attention from my boyfriend.

today, im doing to bake cookies for andy,
and apply for jobs (maybe)
i just finished my first summer reading book. catch-22.
i have two more to read in two weeks.
brave new world & crime and punishment,
along with a research journal on crime and punishment.

im tired,
i want to be numb,
just think about calories and numbers,
and not think about my future
that thoughts of are being forced upon me.

until i write again,