(not so) happy thanksgiving.

i want to write something beautiful that will make your hearts soar and your spirits rise, but im afraid ive been on the verge of tears all day and the dam simply shattered when i returned home this evening. 

wednesday i spent the entire day throwing up for no apparent reason other than the fact that my body hates me. intake = zero.

thursday was thanksgiving. i ate too much. intake = 950.

today was alright. i fasted today. i havent had a cig in three days now, and its weird. i like everything about cigs, but my friend got into my car smelling like an ashtray and i have never been more nauseated in my life. oh, well. i know im not quitting forever, but its nice to save money for now. 

on the mental side of things, im sad. im really really fucking sad. my mood can just go cliff diving at the smallest things. 

i have never wanted to disappear more in my life.

its been here and there, and i dont know if i should care.

okay first id like to address the subject of commenting. just like giving gifts, im shit at it. so i apologize in advance even though im gonna do it anyway because idk, i personally like to know someones out there relating to me and stuff.

second, i dont exactly feel right here anymore. sure, im still fucked in everyone else's eyes. but im not as sick as i used to be, and certainly not as sick as many of you. however, im still fucking mental. just not so much weight wise. i havent fasted in forever. and dont even know if i could. i might try to do that this weekend after thanksgiving.

i should probably scout for my parents scale soon. im really itching to know how much i weigh. my eating fluctuates a lot. like, since i last posted ive had 4 days 0-200 cal, 4 day 500-1000 cal, 3 days 1300-1700 cal, and three binge days (even though i would consider most of the days binge days).

i hope im still losing weight. i went shopping a couple days ago and it ruined my mood for most of the day because i couldnt fit into a pain of size sevens even though the pants i have right now are sevens and theyre falling off my ass. i fucking hate shopping.

im considering moving in with andrew. im going to be honest when i say i love him. theres something about him that makes me want to smile, to stay alive. although, i still dont trust him enough to truly love me back unconditionally. i dont think ill ever build up enough trust to do that. he always complains that i dont talk about things, but im so used to not trusting anyone, i quite almost dont know how to communicate my thoughts to others. oh, well.

i hope everyone is having a lovely week, and to those of you in the u.s. happy thanksgiving. dont eat too much, (;. i love you guys.

does it ever change?

its not the same, but it really is.

ive been away for two months. i still dont eat right, purge, cut, and other silly things. i think im in love, but who knows. 

i still dont know how much i weigh, but dont have the will to spend money on a scale. although i probably should, i dont know whether it would be better or worse for my brain.

i have panic attacks on the daily. today was the first monday when i could actually suppress a panic attack when i woke up. two weeks ago monday, i have six or seven panic attacks. it was fucking terrible.

i think im losing weight, but i feel so huge, so maybe not. im not counting nearly as much as i used to. i purge way more than i used to, probably because ive gotten better at it. silver lining? no, not at all. i always feel guilty afterwards, so i cut, which doesnt make anything better. then i just sit there with a blank stare wondering where my life is going.

im transferring colleges which should help with my mental sanity, considering im moving closer to andrew. hes rational. its nice. [hes also crazy and hot as hell, so that doesnt hurt. you know how i like crazyy (; ]

but heres the gist of my thinking, i want to lose weight, but i dont want to feel like shit, but i dont know which is the cause or if theyre even related at all. blech. i normally barely eat during the week and eat one huge unhealthy meal a day on weekends. maybe i should start counting again, but im such a stoner and forget half the things i mean to do anyway.

but im in a pleasant mood today and im going to try to catch up on reading some of your blogs. thanks for sticking around. <3