Tuesday, September 23, 2014

refresh and restart

i suppose i could be back now.
a little long, sorry!
i tried to recap a 18 months in one post.

the last time i posted was a year and a half ago. i had my own house, my own kitties that i loved more than most things, and a financial backing that combined both my own and my parents means.
since then a lot of things have changed.

my life could be a depressing soap opera.
the guy i had a crush on a year and a half ago?
we slept together when we went to new york and chicago, which broke me and andrew up.
however, living in the same house with your ex boyfriend is a little complicated.
especially when he immediately starts dating the girl he used to have a house with, who broke up with her boyfriend just to be with him.
andrew avoids me in public now,
and his (ex?) girl viciously attacked me in october before i kicked them out.
through all this, i continued to try to pursue this fantasy i had with my new york fling.
we did not end up together.
(... not yet...maybe...)

i went on festy tour,
what feels better than running away from everything that hurts and engulfing yourself in an illusion of happiness and life.
honestly, i think i was trying to prove something,
to myself,
and to the man who introduced me to gdf and everything that im bound to now,
and the man who broke my heart a year and a half ago,
without a single inclination of caring.
and if im honest to myself, i know he didn't.

however, that following year was more or less a whirlwind of disappointments and unmet possibilities.

i met a lot of men over the summer that
were nice to me
told me interesting fairy tales and facts
used me
convinced me to fall in love with them
broke me

i wouldn't trade it for anything.
everyone i met,
everything i learned,
the good and the bad.
i wouldn't know it any other way.

i had racks before that summer,
all of that dwindled to only two,
sometimes less,
sometimes more.
it's all gone now though,
but that leads me to another individual.

i have a wonderful boyfriend of 7 months now.
he might be the love of my life,
but hes certainly made my life quite difficult.

after i kicked andrew out,
i let D move in,
at the time he had a girlfriend,
i hadn't realized we had already met at a music festival 4 months before.
and since then ive become a bit of a k connoisseur,
but when business turned to pleasure and that mixed with sadness,
an addiction bloomed.
i have another monster inside of me: a kitten monster.
its not his fault, ive always wanted to be a cat,
but things could be so much different if i had been the stronger one.
we both hate to see each other in pain, but we're working on it.

i suppose that's why i haven't been here.
one addiction traded with another and another.
this way stopped working, so i tried something else.
my life centralized to doing k, selling k, and barely making it through everything else.
i almost failed classes last semester.
but this monster is strong,
once you break certain barriers its almost impossible to get out.
imagine three months in a k-hole.
three straight months.
it was pure bliss.
everything after, however...

when my lease ran up i had
spent most of my savings,
met and left an entirely new group of friends,
and been broken into, which took my laptop, camera, and other various things.
i thought i had nothing left to lose.

i used my car so much without changing the oil it broke,
i told my parents what i do so they don't help me out much,
months of bad investments have put (well, not just) me in several thousand dollars in debt,
and im generally sad.

im still trying to pick up the pieces.
and i know most of the girls i used to converse with have long gone on to bigger and better things,
i hope so, they all deserved it.
to anyone that's still here, say hello! it might make me come back sooner.
ill be making time to post here, right now im in the library at school since i lack a computer and such.

i suppose ill weigh myself soon.
last time i checked
128(-35) lb
but ive definitely gained a little since then so...

very much love to everyone thats struggling.


  1. Hey there you, long time no see. I'm sorry you've had a rough year, and I'm sorry to hear K's taken such a toll on you. I've lost thousands of savings on drugs, it became my first priority and now everything else is secondary. But you're right, experience can't be traded for anything. The good and the bad, it makes us who we are.

    I hope you feel better soon. I don't know if you remember me at all but I haven't gone anywhere. It's good to see you posting again, if under less-than-ideal circumstances.


  2. Hello love, I'm so sorry to hear you have had a whirlwind of a life these past months. Dear heart, much love to you as well. You may find something here that you didn't know you needed so much.

    Much love and light X

  3. Missed reading your posts. I'm sad about your addiction, it's a scary thing to read about. I really hope your life is getting better from that point. Remember when we were in high school commenting on each other's blogs? It feels so long ago, like another life entirely. Here's the link to mine:
    My last post isn't too cheerful. I've been really down, but what else is new?
    Anyway. Miss you, glad you posted an update.

  4. I'm so sorry that things got so bad. Keep your head up!
    <3 Lee

  5. I was on here just checking out blogger after I too left for a while. I have been reading your posts for a while years I guess. Welcome back and nice to "see" a familiar face.