ive always wondered what "normal" meant.

i guess ill always know, considering i cant keep my mouth shut.

todays weigh-in:
137 lb.

intake:
HUGE.
exercise:
38 minutes on the elliptical (-405)
13 minutes on the exercise bike (-95)
net:
HUGE-500=
STILL HUGE cal.

my friend posted a picture on facebook and tagged me (alone with a bunch of other people) in it. the caption was this, "Obviously I do not own these photos. However, this is for all the girls who are scared to be anything, but the tiniest possible size. How tiny you are does NOT define how beautiful you are. Be healthy and be YOUR right size. Not someone else's. If you want to eat a burger, eat a burger, don't unhappily sip water and eat half a salad. Curves are a GOOD thing, girls. You're beautiful. Always. ♥"

is it bad to say i think shes only writing this because she cant diet? like shes been trying to diet for like a couple weeks or so, and i dont think she tries hard enough. last week she said she weighed 135.5... that is less than me but im 2 inches taller?... i believe. anyways, i might be a bad friend for saying this but it irritated me. i then posted on her wall.
me: i dont want to post this on the picture, so here it goes on your wall. i just wanted to let you know that most girls dont know what "their" size is. it is completely relative. i, personally, dont want to be an average size 8. and so that is what happens because in my head, 8 is not "my" size. just sayinnn.
her: It's just about being healthy, and maybe a size 8 looks best on you. It all depends on your height, genetics, and age. (this i laughed at, because anyone looks better smaller.)
me: who determines what is "best"
her: Doctors.
me: acceptable answer.
normal people dont get it. and i dont like curves.

finals are stressing me out, so as the day goes on i keep eating more and more.
it was under 2000, but COME ON. im worthless.
i will be better tomorrow.
tomorrow, i will not use eating food as a procrastination method.
i have 2 exams on friday i have to study for, i have to go to dance, i have to go to the gym, i do not have time for food. it will not be acceptable.
i was emailing imperfection-xo and i cam to a lovely realization.
"i should be able to stop myself.... well i wish i could. i should. i mean its not like im not thinking about it, i dont need all that shit. right, i dont need it, i dont even want it putting fat in me."
all that fatty food i "enjoy," i dont need. maybe every once in a while, but not even once a week, because face it, all those damn cookies, pizza, ice cream, and chips, and such will still be there when you're skinny and deserve them, so why not wait a bit longer.

and so that is how i will start tomorrow... if tomorrow ever comes, ive been procrastinating all day studying for my physics final. and well its 242 am and im still procrastinating. go me, jedi master at procrastination.

hope you girls are doing better than i am.