ive always wondered what "normal" meant.

i guess ill always know, considering i cant keep my mouth shut.

todays weigh-in:
137 lb.

intake:
HUGE.
exercise:
38 minutes on the elliptical (-405)
13 minutes on the exercise bike (-95)
net:
HUGE-500=
STILL HUGE cal.

my friend posted a picture on facebook and tagged me (alone with a bunch of other people) in it. the caption was this, "Obviously I do not own these photos. However, this is for all the girls who are scared to be anything, but the tiniest possible size. How tiny you are does NOT define how beautiful you are. Be healthy and be YOUR right size. Not someone else's. If you want to eat a burger, eat a burger, don't unhappily sip water and eat half a salad. Curves are a GOOD thing, girls. You're beautiful. Always. ♥"

is it bad to say i think shes only writing this because she cant diet? like shes been trying to diet for like a couple weeks or so, and i dont think she tries hard enough. last week she said she weighed 135.5... that is less than me but im 2 inches taller?... i believe. anyways, i might be a bad friend for saying this but it irritated me. i then posted on her wall.
me: i dont want to post this on the picture, so here it goes on your wall. i just wanted to let you know that most girls dont know what "their" size is. it is completely relative. i, personally, dont want to be an average size 8. and so that is what happens because in my head, 8 is not "my" size. just sayinnn.
her: It's just about being healthy, and maybe a size 8 looks best on you. It all depends on your height, genetics, and age. (this i laughed at, because anyone looks better smaller.)
me: who determines what is "best"
her: Doctors.
me: acceptable answer.
normal people dont get it. and i dont like curves.

finals are stressing me out, so as the day goes on i keep eating more and more.
it was under 2000, but COME ON. im worthless.
i will be better tomorrow.
tomorrow, i will not use eating food as a procrastination method.
i have 2 exams on friday i have to study for, i have to go to dance, i have to go to the gym, i do not have time for food. it will not be acceptable.
i was emailing imperfection-xo and i cam to a lovely realization.
"i should be able to stop myself.... well i wish i could. i should. i mean its not like im not thinking about it, i dont need all that shit. right, i dont need it, i dont even want it putting fat in me."
all that fatty food i "enjoy," i dont need. maybe every once in a while, but not even once a week, because face it, all those damn cookies, pizza, ice cream, and chips, and such will still be there when you're skinny and deserve them, so why not wait a bit longer.

and so that is how i will start tomorrow... if tomorrow ever comes, ive been procrastinating all day studying for my physics final. and well its 242 am and im still procrastinating. go me, jedi master at procrastination.

hope you girls are doing better than i am.

i hate holidays. (thinspo)

im at home and i boredom eat, i should be studying, but that aint happening.

so heres some thinspo!



she was so tiny when she had brown hair! <3

today, because im depressed, i talk about how life is unfair.

i miss it when i didnt know the caloric value of everything, but thats what got me so fat.
i hate boys and girls with high metabolisms, because genetics told me i couldnt.
i can tell who is physically fit, and who is naturally skinny. there's a difference, but im neither.
but i will be.

todays weigh-in:
138.5 lb.

intake:
half vegan cheese slice (20) + 8 chocolates (340) = breakfast (360)
one spoonful of mint chocolate chip ice cream (10?) = snack (10)
salad (65) + soy dog (45) + chips (160) = lunch (270)
soup (60) + .5 serving chips (80) + 5 chocolates (213) = dinner (353)
exercise:
jazz (-300)
walking (-75)
net:
993-375=
588 cal.

the people at my lunch class like to tease me about not eating, saying im anorexic and such.
first, im nowhere close to that skinny.
second, if only they knew the thoughts that run through my head.

today, my mother offered me chocolate for breakfast.
it would have looked very suspicious if i had said no, so i ate 8 pieces.
serving size was 4, whoops. well now i know because i found the plastic wrapping with the nutrition facts on it in my brothers room.

will is being an absolute douche. he keeps calling me annoying, and he called me a brat. and honestly i dont need that right now. i keep crying and breaking down and it really isnt the time for that considering i have my first final tomorrow, and its calculus too. fuck him.
then he just says he's worried about me, silly boy.
and then! he says he thinks that i may feel the same way about him (since when are people mindreaders! and bad ones)... and i say i dont like commitment and that i think i like a lot of people... and hes says its cool i wanna hook up with you. so... apparently. one. im hookupable. and two. i like him?... idk, i may do it. just to get him off my case.

and my mother keeps questioning my food choices. shes like that soup has a lot of calories... and im like no it doesnt, it has 60. and then she ask me why im having so many chocolates and that they have a lot of calories, and im like... well ACTUALLY 4 have 170. so fuck off.

im in a better mood today (at the end of the day) than i was at the beginning of the day. but now i must study for finals. :(

stay lovely.

i have only lost ten pounds this semester, and that is unacceptable.

but im starting this beginning well.
slightly higher than i would like: 141,
but starting well nonetheless.

intake:
egg white (17) + clementine (35) = breakfast (52)
salad (100) + andes candy (26) = lunch (126)
5 bowties (25?) + halved quesidilla (100) + half yogurt (40) = dinner (165)
soup (60) + 1.7 oz fish (40) + clementine (35)= supper (135)
exercise:
ballet for 1 hour (-250)
walking (-100)
net:
478 cal-350 cal=
128 cal.

im really proud of myself today.
i turned down a couple of things,
well not "turn down" but see...
there was cake in the fridge this morning, i decided i didnt need it.
my friend gave me a candy cane and a gummy, i gave it away.
fudge was given to me in my last period class, i politely took it, wrapped it in a napkin, and gave it to the boy who drove me home.
i did however give into 5 bowties (pasta), but that was all.
and then! i looked into my brothers room... oh my gosshh! you cannot imagine the loads of chocolate that were there. i just said... "wow... but i dont need this, and it's his."

later, i trudged to ballet in the below freezing weather due to my fathers lack of car.
i think i have mentioned this on many occasions, but i hate being the fattest one in the room, and every week at ballet that is the way it works. it makes me feel so bad about myself. :/
and then i was given a candy cane, which i proceeded to give to my brother.

my other brother than proceeded to ask me if i wanted the chocolate i saw in his room, which i said no to, while eating a clementine.

life is lovely.

good luck to all you lovely ladies! you can reach your goals!

thank you for reading.

new beginning.

i love new beginnings almost as much as i love breaking rules, especially my own rules. i keep changing my mind and i cant make it up, all i know is that i dont want to leave. i deleted 2 of my latest posts because i changed my mind, i didnt feel like that anymore. sure because of this weekend i undid a lot of my hard work. but thats life for you, thats lack of control. i cant change what i did, but i can change what i am going to do about it.

i would like to give you an update. i went to a concert on friday, saw a very attractive boy, called him sweaterboy, facebook stalked his band, found his facebook. :D. i then went to a sleepover where i ate a lot. and then i woke up and ate a lot more, then i went home and ate a lot more, then i felt bad so i tried to purge, which made me feel even worse by the way. so i spent saturday night at home, and then sunday morning i was gonna restart myself and eat well but then i had a 50 cal breakfast tooks some vitamins and diet pills which made me feel really nauseous. so then i ate ramen to make it feel better, because i was so nauseous i couldn't concentrate. and then i proceed to eat more and more as the day went on.

this morning i weighed 141. im not changing my goals. (in the "my stomach" tab). i might weigh more tomorrow, but this i must take and deal with. there is no crying allowed. i did this to myself, i will undig this hole im stuck in. build myself a ladder out of dirt.

i have 6 days before my ex comes home to visit. i have 13 days before christmas. i have 15 days before my blogger anniversary. i have 19 days before the end of the year.

this is my mind set, i must do this.

free, to be, just me.

personal life update:

[[yesterday]]
my mother knows too much with out telling me. she asked me if there was something under my ribbons i wear on my wrist. she tells me im having all these health problem because im not eating. i dont understand how she could find out, or maybe im paranoid.

im considering hooking up with this boy named will. do no think me a whore. i just dont really like him, i mean, i like him as a friend, but more? not so much. and he says he cant be friends with me because he likes me too much. can he not see how ugly i am on the outside? how fucked up i am on the inside?
[[edit:: i will not hook up with him, he's just not what i want. hes mean to everyone and me too sometimes and i just dont need another person treating me like that.]]

i dont like C anymore, well, i dont think i ever really did. it was just an option. but im 99% sure he doesnt like me, and that other percent means nothing to me.

i may like ryan, because he's so thoughtful and nice and caring, but he's shorter than me. i suppose that makes me really superficial.

at this rate i just want to get pissed drunk and hook up with a random stranger. that sounds really fantastic right now. im sick of the boy drama with will. and really dont want to make my friendships awkward. but gah, i feel so alone. but i doubt a random hookup will help, although it doesnt hurt to try?... i need alcohol.

[[today]]
i hate thinking about my future.
my 5 day happy streak has ended.

"what we do" update:

[[yesterday]]
i really want to eat right now. i dont know why, but i would really love a grape, or a tomato. but... then ill want bread and chocolate and that damn hummus. after this fast and obvious binge thats gonna happen when i sleep over (well, i might not "binge" persay, but there will be pizza and sweets galore), i am going to start eating healthy. still low calorie of course, but i quite dislike this binge-fast cycle ive been in for the past two or so weeks. although, i am happier, which is strange. i want to be healthier.

[[today]]
i broke my fast after 23 hours. i feel kinda bad, but my stomach was literally just in pain and wouldnt stop. but, i will not binge. i refuse.
todays weight: 136.5

other stuff:
ive started reading wintergirls. i like it so far.
also, i have a crease where my stomache and ribs meet... i dont know what could be the cause... perhaps too much fat?... probably.

.total calories: 650.
ew.

being happy isnt good for the diet.

yes, i have found that out.
the happier i am, the more i eat.
and it aint healthy either.
i did not have pizza today,
but i did have fries and a cookie.
and then a lot of hummus...
and its only 2 pm.
this is why wednesday is my nap day.
but i have soooo many tests tomorrow.
i feel like my stomache has doubled in size,
a trip to the gym for the first time in months is definitely necessary.

also,
my mother is a complete bitch,
i just hear her voice and my good mood plummets,
literally, down the fucking drain into hell.
thats how far my mood drops.

1.5 more years, 1.5 more years!

i have found that i do better on fasts when theyre unofficial,
and i dont tell you.
but my next on will be longer than the last... so 42 hours?
yes, 42.
i may be sleeping over at my friends house on friday,
and so it will be until then. (:

i dont know why in hell im in a good mood,
i just stuffed my body with all this shit,
and i still am.
people keep asking me if im on drugs,
and im like nooo! im just happpeeeyyyy!
ugh, is it bad that i want to be sad again so i can just stop eating?
probably, but oh well. this is my life.

also, after the 800 i had yesterday i was very surprised to see a loss this morning.
135.5.
but after today thats never gonna hold.
hahahahaha. fuck. me.

p.s. might be starting my fast at 12am 11/9 not officially though.