building up the wall.

my mother thinks im fat,
she liked me better when i was 125,
after three days of fasting,
she told me so herself.

my best friend relapsed.

i almost hit 150 lbs.
water weight, but annoying,
i almost gave up,
but im 13 hours into fasting.

today is my two months with andy,
but im haunted by the thoughts of last night,
i flirted with matt.
do you remember him?
we dated for two weeks, he didnt talk to me for one.
total douche, but doesnt change that i think hes cute,
and who even knows why i think hes cute.
hanging out with him brought up thoughts...
i need more attention from my boyfriend.

today, im doing to bake cookies for andy,
and apply for jobs (maybe)
i just finished my first summer reading book. catch-22.
i have two more to read in two weeks.
brave new world & crime and punishment,
along with a research journal on crime and punishment.

im tired,
i want to be numb,
just think about calories and numbers,
and not think about my future
that thoughts of are being forced upon me.

until i write again,