alrighttyyy.

i believe i owe an update.
lets start from where i left off...

saturday(319-0):
baked some more goods for the parentals,
had a little over 300, not including tastings.
went to the park to hang out with some of my old friends... awk.
then i went to see black swan... again, i missed the most dramatic part though because i had to call my mother.
after watching that, i was in the mood for some major ass kicking.
so we went to the gas station, where ofc everyone was congregated.
matthew was in a car, so i asked him if we could speak
he said, in a minute.
when i politefully reminded him that i had to be home, he said, can we talk tomorrow.
he promised we would.
and im weak, and he looked sad, so i said okay.

sunday(bingex2):
i was hoping to speak to him in the afternoon, but he claimed that he was going to see his sister, so we could talk that night
it was nice out, so i put on a dress, and read outside.
but i was also very emotional unstable, so i went inside to binge at some point.
(shh... i flirted a bit with mia)
i went to my physics tutor, then when i returned i texted him saying that i was free, and that i really needed to talk to him.
he sent some bullshit through a text, and i kept reminding him that we really had to talk face to face... which he didnt quite understand...
i didnt see him... although i did cry a lot... so that was fun.
oh! and i binged some more (and flirted with mia some more)... yay!

monday(21-350):
(...everything ive been doing revolves around that fucking boy, i dont like this.)
i texted him in french saying that he could take his time, and we could talk when he wanted to.
surprise, no response.
i come home to find that he deleted his facebook relationship status... so i deleted my facebook.
i then cried myself to sleep, woke up at 9, went to the gym, and then cried some more.

tuesday(83-80):
i still didnt talk to him, and im partaking in an indefinite fast.
im currently 131, and ill probably hit the 120's tomorrow.
i want him to notice next time i see him.
i want to disappear.

sorry this was so long, and if you read it all...
i love you dearly, and if you didnt... that alright.
i wouldnt read this shit either.

i told my irl ana friend that i wasnt planning on eating for the next couple of days... and i think she got mad at me.
shes like... you have to eat!
"i went to rehab... i know girls who died from eating disorders"...
is it bad that i want to die?...
i just feel like everyone leaves me... the word "worthless" comes to mind frequently.
rant over.