im not strong enough to love.

i realized this while brushing my teeth just now.
*sigh*

tomorrow i dont have class,
so im sleeping in until 10,
making cookie dough (not tasting this time) for poetry club
and then going in to take an (optional) test.
i dont know what has come over me...

day one and two of abc went well... ive yet to paint my two nails.
but maybe ill do that tomorrow.

i wish i wasnt so tired so i could write more,
but i feel like falling into a depressive heap,
so i wouldnt be much entertainment anyway.

hope everyone is doing well.
p.s. im reading, just not commenting. promise.

i have 123 followers!

i dont know i thought that was funny...
well anyways,
im still stuck in the same rut.
getting back on track, then falling off the wagon,
then again, and again.

i started a weight loss challenge with my friend.
if i win this week, i get a free movie and a free picnic.
but at this picnic, we will have carrots.
because today when we were having a picnic with a bunch of junk,
and we were in the junk food aisle, and this skinny girl walks past us,
and all she had was carrots. ... so yeah.
skinny girls eat carrots.

tomorrow i start the abc again,
and the nail polish challenge,
which is where everyday you succeed,
you paint one finger nail,
if you screw up, you have to take the polish off every nail,
a visual reminder of your failure/success.

i would promise to post more,
but i dont like talking about my failures,
i feel guilt all the time. :/
i hope you girls are well.

i love you guys SO much.

thank you for the comments on my last blog.
much appreciated,
ill try to get over him, but its hard, you know?
thats the second time ive been rejected this year.

i woke up semi late this morning 129.5.
got dressed into a dress, cardigan, and flats.
walked to my neighborhood park.
had a lovely smoke with a vanilla coke zero and marlboro skylines (my new fav)
walked to the bus stop, went to school, trudged through my classes.
came home. had coffee (3). 129.
had pickles (0) and celery (30)
... tumbl'd and read.
went to the grocery store.
pretend to do homework. strawberries (20).
gave up, made cookie dough in preparation for weekly thursday baking.
mushrooms (32) and rice (~100).
had "too much" cookie dough (mostly le purge) 132.5.
took three laxatives.

so that was my day so far...
i weighed myself with wet hair,
so lets pretend thats a pound :P
and then its mostly waterweight...
but still, 2 pounds.
so i will do 2 abs cycles.

now i must start most of my homework,
study for two tests and a quiz,
(not die)
and yeah.
ta-ta for now!

alrighttyyy.

i believe i owe an update.
lets start from where i left off...

saturday(319-0):
baked some more goods for the parentals,
had a little over 300, not including tastings.
went to the park to hang out with some of my old friends... awk.
then i went to see black swan... again, i missed the most dramatic part though because i had to call my mother.
after watching that, i was in the mood for some major ass kicking.
so we went to the gas station, where ofc everyone was congregated.
matthew was in a car, so i asked him if we could speak
he said, in a minute.
when i politefully reminded him that i had to be home, he said, can we talk tomorrow.
he promised we would.
and im weak, and he looked sad, so i said okay.

sunday(bingex2):
i was hoping to speak to him in the afternoon, but he claimed that he was going to see his sister, so we could talk that night
it was nice out, so i put on a dress, and read outside.
but i was also very emotional unstable, so i went inside to binge at some point.
(shh... i flirted a bit with mia)
i went to my physics tutor, then when i returned i texted him saying that i was free, and that i really needed to talk to him.
he sent some bullshit through a text, and i kept reminding him that we really had to talk face to face... which he didnt quite understand...
i didnt see him... although i did cry a lot... so that was fun.
oh! and i binged some more (and flirted with mia some more)... yay!

monday(21-350):
(...everything ive been doing revolves around that fucking boy, i dont like this.)
i texted him in french saying that he could take his time, and we could talk when he wanted to.
surprise, no response.
i come home to find that he deleted his facebook relationship status... so i deleted my facebook.
i then cried myself to sleep, woke up at 9, went to the gym, and then cried some more.

tuesday(83-80):
i still didnt talk to him, and im partaking in an indefinite fast.
im currently 131, and ill probably hit the 120's tomorrow.
i want him to notice next time i see him.
i want to disappear.

sorry this was so long, and if you read it all...
i love you dearly, and if you didnt... that alright.
i wouldnt read this shit either.

i told my irl ana friend that i wasnt planning on eating for the next couple of days... and i think she got mad at me.
shes like... you have to eat!
"i went to rehab... i know girls who died from eating disorders"...
is it bad that i want to die?...
i just feel like everyone leaves me... the word "worthless" comes to mind frequently.
rant over.

im boring.

i did okay today,
500 calories throughout the day,
plus tasting and a little more while baking.
and i burned off 400 at the gym.

sorry to bore you with more matt stuff, but now i think he's legit avoiding me.
i just dont get it, he used to be crazy about me.

heres my day in bullets!... kinda.
got up, made brekkie, went to the gym.
lazed on the computer, baked vegan cupcakes and cookies.
got picked up, smoked the reefer, went to dinner
(cucumber sushi! i think thats the lowest cal thing. haha).
met some russians, hung out at the gas station.
friday night, ftw! :P

i was 134 this morning, ewwwwww.
i hope im lower tomorrow, but i know im probably not,
i think im fasting tomorrow.
oh, i dunno, ill decide in the morning, im baking again, so idk how that work... oh, well.

bye lovelies!

le fasting.

today went alright.
i have awful self control,
i ended up having a zero calorie pickle.
whoops.

i saw matthew today when we were hanging out at the gas station,
don't judge... its where we hang out. :P
for the first 5 minutes he like completely ignored me.
then i scooted over, and sat next to him, and we talked a little.
then when he was leaving, i was like, hey, can we talk over there?
so i was like, hey you havent been answering, and he mumbled something about going to sleep at 7 am and something about not being able to afford school.
i mean he said he was sorry... i think... but i just want him to press a couple buttons and text me, for fucks sake!

i weighed myself.
i dont remember what the number was... but i remember it was horrid.

well, bye for now lovelies!
i think ill start the abc tomorrow. no definite plans though.
p.s. i really want lettuce... but i also want to fast again.
fuck my indecisiveness!

change of plans.

matt is making me so sad. he hasnt talked to me all day. i know you may think im weak for saying that, but it's how i feel damn it. i feel disposable and worthless. it might be a shallow reason, but...


im not eating until matt talks to me.


maybe then everyone will see how much im hurting instead of saying im overreacting, and my mom can finally stfu.


i feel so lost. i just need a hug from someone who cares, truly cares.

starting over.

hi to my new followers!
i dont know where you came from, but hi hi hi!

got my wisdom teeth out.
it doesnt hurt that bad.
the diet went out the window though.

i want to start over the abc.
i know i can do it.
and i will.
im not even questioning it.
if anyone would like to join, go right ahead, i love company.
tomorrow (today) wednesday the 6th will be day one: 500 or less.
easy peasy.
(remind me to get rid of the four bowls of jello and brownies in my kitchen,
oh, my friends.)

today, as you see from the above mentioned food
my friends came over to cheer me up and have a jello party.
while we were waiting for the jello to set, i made brownies.
*bad sofia*
but now i have the leftovers at my house... even worse!
ppssst. lime jello tastes awesome.
and then i went to my physics tutor. my brain died.
and then i went grocery shopping and drivin with my momma.

then i hung out with my friend isabelle,
we went to the park where mexicans were being inappropriate, haha.
then we frequented the local gas station.
i saw matt there.
first time ive seen him since last monday.
and i havent talked to him all day... his fault, not mine.
he was drunk. :P
i missed him so much, i just... gaaahh.
i dont know what to do.
i guess i have to get some patience.

until next time,
bye lovelies!

p.s. im afraid to weigh myself. :/

day four fail.

also, purging isnt pleasant. maybe because im not good at it.... yet.
please dont tell me not to... i know.
i took laxatives, and now i start my homework at 1 am...
maybe i can wake up before the side effects kick in and get some cardio.
i hate messing up.
i will not fuck up the 100 day tomorrow.
hope everyone is doing well.


oh, and i need to stop cutting.