day 2/35.

so this is what happened after i posted yesterday.
i wrote my practice SAT essay.
then did some calculus.

then i went to ballet.
once again, fattest girl there.
i hate that feeling.
i get it every week and it will never change until im skinny.
i cant fucking wait.

then there was a DOUBLE RAINBOW outside!
i didnt take a picture...
so heres one a friend of mine took.

you can just barely see the second one.
anyways, it was beautiful.

then i went to my tutor.
came home... did homework and was planning not to eat.
but i was hit with a really bad mood.
but i ended up under 1000, if you subtract the calories for ballet.

my friend called me last night at like one,
and we just started talking about how life is worthless,
how we wish we were religious so we could believe in something,
like because just dying is scary.
like we live to die. we dont matter.
i cant talk about this anymore or ill have another flashback.
anyways, after that my mother yelled at me.
and i was just outside crying and shit.
and idk. i ended up cutting.
but then when i walked out of the bathroom my mom came up to me and hugged me and asked me how can i help. and i was like. whaa?
she doesnt know. but idk.
i felt so bad afterwards, because my boyfriend called me and was like you cant think like that baby, i care about you and shit. he doesnt know either.
i just... ugh. oh, well. new day today.

woke up and weighed myself today.
146.
yaaaayyyy.
that means my goal is 138.
-wishing myself luck-

well today all ive had is salad(100), crackers with cheese(115), and soup(60).
im currently having flavored water, pink lemonade. so thats a few more calories.
i dont know if i want to go to dance tonight, im just not feeling it.

i want it to get colder.
i want to go to portland halloween weekend,
because i miss my boo like crazy.
and i just cant do this without him.
i havent seen him in 17 days.
heres to another 5 weeks of this shit?
fml. ugh, i have to think positive.
and also, i refuse to be an elephant when i see him again.

and so i wont be.