i hate breaking fasts.

so today i broke the 41 hour fast at 1230 pm,

i think ill break more fasts at school,
but im glad i only brought the exact change i needed,
because i was EXTRAORDINARILY tempted to buy a giant cookie and fries.
which is 800 + 450 = FAT.
but im awful at breaking fasts in general.
like today ive had around 800.
silly sofia, when will you ever learn?

so at lunch the other day [[11/6--fasting]]
we struck up a conversation about this anorexic girl in my grade,
... shes in my french class and i swear her calves are bigger than her thighs...
and they were just like... its so sad, blah blah blah.
they dont even suspect anything because im too fucking fat.
i cant wait until i look like her. :P...
im considering dropping my ugw down,
but i want to wait until i get there to decide.

but here we go!
planning time!
tomorrow, all i plan on eating is pizza (300) at 1 pm.
then fruits and veggies at home.
i have salad, grapes, blueberries, apples, and then vegan rice cheese and soy dogs.
my goal is ~500 cal.

then i think ill fast on thursday,
and then most of friday until i go to my friends sleepover,
she works at a bakery and gets all the leftovers.
i need to smoke,
that might be why ive felt the need to eat all day?
maybe, i promised ryan i wouldnt...
but he doesnt need to know. i s'pose.

i hope i didnt gain too much from my 800 cals today,
i think ill be okay... maybe.
i may take a walk later tonight,
because i didnt go to dance today,
because my foot is acting up. damn.
and then crunches and such as always.

i hate screwing up.
and sorry for the double post.

i just felt like it.

so i binged... it was kinda like it was on purpose...
kinda... maybe i wanted to starve?
i will never understand my own mind.
i knew i would when i bought those chocolate covered pretzels at the store.
i knew i would, and yet i still bought them.

0 hours down, 41 to go.
730pm 12/5 - 1230 pm 12/7
(i can eat lunch on tuesday, fabulous...
and i cant binge at school!!! ahh yayy!)
[[738pm 11/5]]
______________________________________________

138 this morning,
137.5 just now.
i have ballet today,
and then a study sesh for calc with friends.
so thats exercise... then coffee... woot!

i wanted to go to pilates at 8, but thats when we're studying.
and i NEED a good grade.
so perhaps ill go for a run when i get back.

i went for a jog last night,
2.5 miles in 35 minutes.
not too bad, because it was just after i ate a lot,
and i felt sick the entire time and couldnt stop coughing,
but hey, why complain when ill get results.

i hope to hit 136 at the end of this fast.
135 would be ideal, but whatever.

22 hours down, 19 to go.
[[517pm 11/6]]
______________________________________________

i hate being the fattest one in the room.
i went to ballet today,
i thought i looked quite nice,
thinner and such... ha ha ha.
i fooled myself.
im a fucking fatass.

fuck this.

26 hours down, 15 to go.
[[915pm 11/6]]
______________________________________________

i fell asleep at 1030 pm because i was so tired,
who knew not eating could take such a toll on me.

but now it is 3 am,
and i am 136... yay!

so maybe ill be lower when i wake again?
i must do calculus.

31.5 hours down, 9.5 to go.

[[305am 11/7]]
______________________________________________

i would just like all of you to know,
im craving pizza like no other. :P
its disgusting.

33 hours down, 8 to go.

[[433 am 11/7]]
______________________________________________

this morning i weighed in at 136,
got my goal.
ill write another post later,
but i must be off.

[[423pm 11/7]]

my first vlog?

so i decided to risk it and do this,
ill probably take it down in a day or two.

i did this because i hate taking pictures of myself.
and would like you people to know who youre following.

and by you people i mean my lovely followers!
thank you to every one of you especially the ones that comment!



(please dont unfollow me. -pout- haha.)

i weighed in at 137 this morning,
which puts me slightly ahead of schedule for the week,
so good! (:

i forgot to say that yesterday ryan and i went to steak and shake,
we were supposed to go with friends but they got lost,
or something. idk.
it was kinda embarrassing because we waited there for a while.
but its good because we didnt eat. (:

im just in a good mood, and i dont know why.
oh well.

stay lovely!

my retainer tastes like a grape swisher, conveniently i had one of those today.

i ended up weighing myself.
139, not a pleasant number to see.
then i angrily ate half a banana.

595 today,
im not pleased with that number,
but whatever.
it already happened.

i think ryan likes me,
which i dont understand,
he knows all of my current secrets.
i dont get it at all.

i really like this soup i bought,
im already in bed so i wont go grab it for the exact name.
but its 60 calories per serving. and 120 for the can.
and its quite delicious.

i went to the dentist this morning.
braces for one more month then im freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
(:

will stopped talking to me,
because he likes me too much and "cant stand it"
silly boys.

i wish my parent knew that i smoked cigs,
because then i could do it all i wanted,
and i wouldnt have to sneak around,
and drenching myself in axe.

im actually in quite a good mood.


*hopes for a smaller number on the scale*

unacceptable.

i am an unacceptable fat whale,
im not even going to weigh myself tomorrow,
the tears arent worth it.

--i weighed in at 137 again this morning.
--im happy about this.
--but after today i dont know. :P

to be honest with you,
i just wanted to feel full.
i kept eating and eating but i wouldnt feel full.
but i feel full now, and its an awful feeling.
i like the sound of my tummy grumbling earlier.

and i will get that back.
although i do want to be healthy and stop loathing myself,
but i can do that when i reach my goal weight.
then i can "recover" or try, i s'pose.
but i cant right now,
because all i see is fat,
and that is unacceptable.

just peachy.

615pm:

hummus is going to be the death of me.

i have too much of it!

but its soooo good. :P



647pm:

i want food but im not hungry,

i hate breaking fasts.

i dont want to give in.



well my dears,

i broke my fast at 430 pm today.

and i ate twice after that,

for a total of 466 cal.

and then i went to hiphop for an hour.



so overall, lovely day.

but i still feel like shit.

but it all worth it for the 137 i saw this morning.



tomorrow = friday night,

friday night = booze and bud.

dont know exactly whats gonna happen there.



comments:

John Kristopher - i usually fail too, but i just have found the willpower to do this, because i dont want to be average. and thanks. im here if you ever want to talk too. and literally, im on here all day from 4pm-1am eastern time.

teaspoon - idk, i just dont want my mother to worry, she already bitches at me for not eating enough, but she sees my fat when i try on clothing, and im like, do you want to have a fat daughter?

wren - yes, i ended up being more sane. haha. probably due to the much lower number this morning. (:

Isobel - yeah, i seem to have no problem mainting... its the losing im having trouble with. but thank you. (:

not.quite.ana - thank you, im just trying. its almost been a year... and almost 40 pounds. and it will be 40 pounds by the 27th which is my blogger anniversary. (: notice, that was a statement not a question. haha.

Jeans vs. Genes - thank you and i did have fun at dance. (: i was slightly light headed, but ohhh weelll.

gem - thank you. it means a lot. <3

All.That.Wander.Are.Not.Lost - thank you! and good job on yours! and yeah, i know its weird, i want it to come back so i can stop worrying. :/





<3



p.s. im slightly inclined to do a vlog, but im afraid you'll unfollow this fatass. :P





*EDIT: UGH FUCK. binged, im sorry. it wasnt much. but still. im under 800 def, but still. UGH.

questions.

my mother keeps asking me when i got my period last,
i normally dont keep track of this,
but she got me all worried,
to be honest, i dont think i got it in november...
did i in october?

this morning kind of discouraged me,
i know its because i at a lot the night before at midnight,
to prepare myself for the fast im (unofficially) doing.
well, now i guess its official since i announced it.
this morning i weighed: 139.5-140. the number kept changing.
but then tonight: 137.5 :D
im waiting until tomorrow for an official number,
but i love fasting,
although i feel tired and like shit,
for the most part im happy. (:
(yay for lowest ive been in years!)

**edit: i just weighed myself again... 139.
fucking torture, i hate this. i better be lower tomorrow,
or i might kill someone. jk... maybe.**

i think im gonna skip out on lunch tomorrow,
and do some homework in the library. woot.

my goal this fast is above 39.
im going for 40-42.
because i have dance tomorrow night...
and fainting there would not be grand.

23 hours down, 17 to go.


sofia.