disordered thoughts.

i wrote this last month:

no more scars,
im tired of this ribbon,
no more, no more.
if i want to reach the distant dreams i have,
i have to be superficial and perfect.
i will be perfect.
perfection doesnt have scars.
(i havent cut since... i think its been a couple of weeks.
honestly, im proud because if i hadnt,
id be cutting right now. but nope. i shant. i wont. i cant.)

(im not saying i have anorexia... just thought this picture was relevant.)

i dont want to have kids,
my mom doesnt get it,
shes like, well thats your job, your brightest joy,
and i think, im going to have a child,
and if i fuck that kid up with an ed or other disorder,
i wouldnt be able to handle it.

yesterday,
i fasted until i had a salad for dinner after burning 850 calories.

today,
i ate "healthily"
until after jazz,
i went to the gym,
besically had a panic attack in the locker room,
or emotional breakdown, whatever you want to call it.
i feel so ridiculously fat.
obviously, this is solved my massive amounts of food,
even though i had just burned 350 calories.
efforts fucking wasted.

i just feel so alone and left behind,
forgotten.
ive decided. if i ever hit 110,
then ill start being "healthy."
but until then...
im restricting and fasting the shit outta myself...
FUCK THIS.
no one even cares about me.
i really, truly, just want to disappear.

for your viewing pleasure:
and a reminder for me how far ive yet to go:

i will look hot in ripped jeans.

i will have a flat tummy and no bulges.

i will be able to look pretty in midriff tops.

i will be pretty.

p.s. thank you for all the nice comments. i love you guys, truly.