i "dont" feel.

my thoughts dont flow anymore,
i would write more,
if my mind could actually focus on anything other than destruction.

i dont want to be here,
but i cant leave,
i fall in between the crevices of vague hopes,
and all i really want is to disappear.

mornings frequently arrive with tears and hatred,
every day is a cycle of getting as inebriated as possible,
on anything that's offered.

i dont know if what i feel occasionally is truly happiness,
or the face i play to get less questions.

im a liar and a terrible person,
and im about to destroy everything in my path,
to prove absolutely nothing.
except maybe a black heart.

bmi 20.9

(not so) happy thanksgiving.

i want to write something beautiful that will make your hearts soar and your spirits rise, but im afraid ive been on the verge of tears all day and the dam simply shattered when i returned home this evening. 

wednesday i spent the entire day throwing up for no apparent reason other than the fact that my body hates me. intake = zero.

thursday was thanksgiving. i ate too much. intake = 950.

today was alright. i fasted today. i havent had a cig in three days now, and its weird. i like everything about cigs, but my friend got into my car smelling like an ashtray and i have never been more nauseated in my life. oh, well. i know im not quitting forever, but its nice to save money for now. 

on the mental side of things, im sad. im really really fucking sad. my mood can just go cliff diving at the smallest things. 

i have never wanted to disappear more in my life.

its been here and there, and i dont know if i should care.

okay first id like to address the subject of commenting. just like giving gifts, im shit at it. so i apologize in advance even though im gonna do it anyway because idk, i personally like to know someones out there relating to me and stuff.

second, i dont exactly feel right here anymore. sure, im still fucked in everyone else's eyes. but im not as sick as i used to be, and certainly not as sick as many of you. however, im still fucking mental. just not so much weight wise. i havent fasted in forever. and dont even know if i could. i might try to do that this weekend after thanksgiving.

i should probably scout for my parents scale soon. im really itching to know how much i weigh. my eating fluctuates a lot. like, since i last posted ive had 4 days 0-200 cal, 4 day 500-1000 cal, 3 days 1300-1700 cal, and three binge days (even though i would consider most of the days binge days).

i hope im still losing weight. i went shopping a couple days ago and it ruined my mood for most of the day because i couldnt fit into a pain of size sevens even though the pants i have right now are sevens and theyre falling off my ass. i fucking hate shopping.

im considering moving in with andrew. im going to be honest when i say i love him. theres something about him that makes me want to smile, to stay alive. although, i still dont trust him enough to truly love me back unconditionally. i dont think ill ever build up enough trust to do that. he always complains that i dont talk about things, but im so used to not trusting anyone, i quite almost dont know how to communicate my thoughts to others. oh, well.

i hope everyone is having a lovely week, and to those of you in the u.s. happy thanksgiving. dont eat too much, (;. i love you guys.

does it ever change?

its not the same, but it really is.

ive been away for two months. i still dont eat right, purge, cut, and other silly things. i think im in love, but who knows. 

i still dont know how much i weigh, but dont have the will to spend money on a scale. although i probably should, i dont know whether it would be better or worse for my brain.

i have panic attacks on the daily. today was the first monday when i could actually suppress a panic attack when i woke up. two weeks ago monday, i have six or seven panic attacks. it was fucking terrible.

i think im losing weight, but i feel so huge, so maybe not. im not counting nearly as much as i used to. i purge way more than i used to, probably because ive gotten better at it. silver lining? no, not at all. i always feel guilty afterwards, so i cut, which doesnt make anything better. then i just sit there with a blank stare wondering where my life is going.

im transferring colleges which should help with my mental sanity, considering im moving closer to andrew. hes rational. its nice. [hes also crazy and hot as hell, so that doesnt hurt. you know how i like crazyy (; ]

but heres the gist of my thinking, i want to lose weight, but i dont want to feel like shit, but i dont know which is the cause or if theyre even related at all. blech. i normally barely eat during the week and eat one huge unhealthy meal a day on weekends. maybe i should start counting again, but im such a stoner and forget half the things i mean to do anyway.

but im in a pleasant mood today and im going to try to catch up on reading some of your blogs. thanks for sticking around. <3

mondays.

today was a very lazy day. very lazy days are not good for sofia.

i woke up at 11:10 am. my second class starts at 11:15am. so i said fuck it and skipped both of them. i then proceeded to go supply shopping at walmart with a friend from school.

then i went and visited my friend jacob who lives 40 minutes away... yay for having a car! but i had been smoking weed since i woke up so i binged a lot and then passed out into a food coma type thing. then woke up, drove to target, bought binge food, and went back to my dorm.

this is where it gets bad. after eating about half of each a box of cheezits, a king sized kit kat bar, and (1/3 of) a box of cookies, i purged some of it and then cut. i fucking hate it when i do that. it makes me feel guilty, worthless, and stupid.

i told andrew i was freaking out and explained some of why i was freaking out, and he told me not to because i was perfect, which really just made me cry even more. but several cigarettes later, i felt better, went back to my room and did some work. i have an exam tomorrow i have yet to study for though....

im gonna stay busy tomorrow. and probably go shopping for something to wear for the concert im seeing friday night. the food plan is small portions of oatmeal/eggs/fruit for breakfast, and then salad/fruit for lunch and dinner. im going to try to fast on wednesday, i think, but that may be difficult since im going to go back to my home town.

oh, and by the way, i hate wear i live now. i go to the university of georgia, and athens sucks. its all about drinking and there are way to many assholes and dumb bitches everywhere. its hard to deal with sometimes.

stay lovely everyone. <3

andrew.

i told him my secrets. every day he pries out more. ive been welcoming it. im falling in love with him.

he told me he loved me.... twice.
also mentioned that ive been losing weight, and that i should gain some. [[fuck that, obviously]]

a month ago i was dating five people, now i only want andrew, i think. he doesnt believe in monogamous relationships though, so i dont know what he wants from me. we've been seeing each other for almost three months without being anything official. we started off as business friends, then we went to friends, then almost instantly to fuck bodies, but now theres something more. i miss him when i go to school during the week, and i want to spend all weekend with him always. he always tells me he doesnt want me to leave.

i still dont know how much i weigh. i try not to eat. ive been throwing up sometimes. im only getting worse from being at college.

i hope everyone is doing alright. ill try to find time to comment and post more, now that i have bunches of free time. stay lovely. <3

the bad month of july.

well, since coming back to america, most of my life has gone to complete shit... go figure.


.... well not all of it, but yeah. 


ive gotten smaller, i think. but ive gotten into eating a bunch at one time then not eating again or eating a bunch at one time again... like once i start i dont have a stopper. im working on it though.


i think im dating three people at one time right now, sorta. i dont know, i think i just like the attention, i guess. but two of them claim to love me and i like the other one more than those two. its very confusing. i dont love much anymore.


i got robbed at gunpoint but this stupid fuck i was dealing to a couple days ago. and i think ive been going insane. i drink too often, cut too frequently, smoke too many cigs, am constantly high, i smoked molly for three days in a row which made my head hurt so bad this morning i literally couldnt get out of bed. i havent really been doing many other drugs but i just havent really been in contact much.


my mom crashed her car yesterday and i looked at bills for college a couple days ago which depressed the fuck out of me.


i cant feel many emotions anymore. i can only cry when im shitfaced. and i mess everything up. 


i have no money anymore because my friends owe me a total of 3 grand and that guy robbed me of a little over a grand.


well, now that im done complaining, let me try to think of something fun and fabulous to say.


derp. i seriously just sat staring at the screen and around my room for a couple minutes and couldnt think of anything. i really need to start weighing myself., maybe ill do that tomorrow. and ill try to read more of your blogs, i just try to stay away from my house most of the time because i feel so oppressed and miserable and worthless here.


IM SORRY FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING. HAPPY VIBES.