white nights.

ive been reading wintergirls again. the sweet words approach my heart as i fall back into this familiar place i had lost for quite some time.


im in st. peterburg. the whole city is a walking museum. its lovely. yesterday, i went on a very irritating bus tour. but today, after chilling in bed for most of the day, my parents and i walked a couple hours just around the city. let me know if you want to see picture. i have quite a few. (:


i binged last night. after not eating all day, my brain just shut off and the next thing i know im stuffing my face with a bunch of random shit. but i exercised last night for the first time in ages, and i was sore all day. -_- literally my entire body hurts. but its okay. all i ate was breakfast this morning which totaled to +100 and from walking im assuming its around -400. so i feel a little better about yesterdays screw up.


another reason i havent eaten all day... this new boy, i think i should finally give him a name so... his name is louis. he pretty much mentionned that he hadnt eaten all day and then goes on to say that its been 2 days since he's eaten. and my fucked up head takes that as a challenge. so i dont think ill be eating for a while... this boy doesnt eat or sleep for days, and doesnt even think about it. like, i wish i was strong enough not to have to think about these things constantly.


tea makes everything better. 


<3 stay lovely.


p.s. it doesnt get dark here. its nice. i've been hiding in the dark for too long.

im too big.

i had a break down this week. i found pictures of me from last february and cried. how could i let all of that go to shit? now im fat again, and theres no one to blame but me.

i have a plan though. pretty much, im eating 3 times a day (4 or 5 hours in between) and each "meal" is about  100 calories. although, yesterday i skipped dinner, i was too disgusted with myself. i took new pictures. and im going to update the progress blog i have on tumblr every wednesday.

in other news, im homesick. i miss my unrelated family. and im really almost too excited to get back to my life. im still talking to this new boy. he's been so nice to me, and i havent had anyone be nice to me in the longest time, but i already know hes going to make me eat.

alsoooo, i need to stop telling people about my eating habits... as this progresses, its just gonna cause me all sorts of trouble. so i just need to stop talking about it.

best of luck to everyone. <3 stay lovely.

greetings from moscow.

im sitting in the apartment in the city, its 3 am and im still awake. the skyline is lit with the lights of this city, littered with cigarettes. im surrounded by my history, my heritage. my heart is happy.



im in russia right now for the next month. literally every girl is a size zero, and it makes me sad. but determined to continuing eating little and healthy. i feel huge, right now especially.



ive been doing really well. i lost 10 pounds in a week (i know its not all me, but still) and i messed up on my last day there, but im still doing well. (:


before i left the u.s., i left my boyfriend. ive been unhappy for the longest time. not with the relationship, but with myself, and in being part of my life, the relationship, as well. we may have a future together, but right now, all we're doing is breaking ourselves down. BBUUUTTT i am talking to this other boy he isnt as cute, but is a lot nicer and mature. so who fucking knows? i certainly dont. 


my best of luck to everyone out there searching for it. <3

i think im ready for change.

I know it's been a while, but I have changed so much. I find the need within me to not eat. The past week has gone with mostly less than one meal a day. which is really awesome since ive gained so much back.


i leave for russia on june fifth and ill be back on july fourth. 


im welcoming change and happiness in my life, even as i enter this path of well self destruction if i do it right. 


and with this a propose a scenario im in. three boys like me. my boyfriend of six months, someone ive deeply friend zoned and someone who recently told me of their feelings. All of these people have like me for a long period, and i dont know what to do. im not happy with my life right now, and i want to be. im tired of being sad. so im welcoming everything i receive from this. and i wont do anything rash, but simply i feel will make me feel better.


and on numbers, i think i lost 6 pounds so far this week, AND im really bloaty because i just did some funnnystuff. hehe.


of anyone is out there listening, let me know, please. id love to talk to you. 


stay lovely.

youre not supposed to feel helpless in your own fucking life.

scribble scribble, some lonely souls wander along these pages,

i say ill be frequent. however, this is unintentionally unheard of.

im back and forth, in the same day, hour, or minute.

ripping my happiness in shreds with every painstaking step.

i wish i could bring you good news.

but my heart is tattered and cannot spill joy on your screen today.

blank.

i feel so stupid.

i always come back, but with no results.

today, after eating quite a bit, i weighed in at 156.5.

i remember over the summer i reached 124.

what in the hell did i do to myself.

but no more, i swear.

i cant stand to be in the skin im in.

i hate myself so much i havent been able to stop crying in three days.

i have to be better.

i have to.

im sorry.

well, hello there.

its been a while,

and i keep going from eating a lot or not eating anything.

hopefully today i wont eat a thing.

but i have a substance to help with that...

i had a crazy weekend.

friday, i came to this club tripping.

we ended up finding coke, weed, and e.

and i had some e. weird shit.

and then i went to work saturday morning at 10 am still spun.

got off at 3pm, and passed out till 10 am sunday.

fucking crazy, right?

well, im hoping for a good sucessful day.

for some reason, i was happy with my body this morning... who knows why.

i ate so fucking much yesterday.

ill see you guys later. c: