fuck average.

so today i visited magic club, hoping C would be there.
but this bitch i used to friends with kept coughing *bitch*
and im not paranoid, it was about me.
she has no fucking right.
so wronged me.
she just makes me so angry.
i wanted to go home and demolish kitchen.
but i didnt.
i simply had an apple and went to my room,
and read your lovely blogs. <3>
i dont need food,
i want to be lovely,
and people cant say shit to me.

sometimes i think i do this for the attention,
i dont want to,
but sometimes i feel like everyone ignores me,
because im not special because im average.
i dont want to be average.

ive had 160 calories so far.
-salad (80)
-apple ( 80)
[[total: 535]]

by doing this im probably messing myself up,
but i do so many things that do that anyway,
i mean who say drinking is wrong at 16, or smoking.
other than the government and doctors.
who the fuck cares about them.
they ruin my fun, and who says i want to live a long time anyway.
but i cant die fat and ugly.
that is not how i want to be remembered.

i think i weighed in at 143 this morning.
but i dont remember.
i should probably write these things down, maybe.

fuck.

i always have the need to overeat.
i just... i get stressed, happy, sad and i eat.

tomorrow. i get up,
smoke a cig,
and dont eat.
simple as that.
because if i smoke one...
then i cant eat,
because i get this nauseous-y feeling.

problem solved.
tomorrow i will eat under 400.
tomorrow i will weigh myself,
[[and probably cry]]
tomorrow, i wont fail.

and for the rest of today.
i dont deserve anything,
because im worthless.
i dont deserve anything.

yeah.

i want to disappear,
because i know that no one will notice,
no one will care,
they never do, and never will.

biased.

i feel like any amount of food now a days is too much.
like normal people would think of 120 calories as a small snack.
i feel like thats a huge meal.
these numbers are ruining my day.

i havent weighed myself in a while.
i keep forgetting, dont have time...
and im honestly afraid.
i want to have a really good day
before i weigh myself next.

MONSTROUS BINGE YESTERDAY.
dont even want to talk about it.

i went to the dentist this morning.
i want to get my frickken braces off.
but nope.
one unruly tooth will cause me to have them
for a month or two more.
BLAARRRGHHHHH.
oh well, ill deal.

right now,
im craving a crunchy salad.
or an apple.
but i had 120 cal of hummus and pita chips earlier.
it just feels like soo much.
too much. :/

i hate that this is starting to rule my head.
sometimes, i want to lose enough weight so people will start to care.
but i know that if they never did, they never will.
i do want to look lovely because being a whale isnt exactly pretty... at all.
this whole eating barely anything was probably acceptable when i was overweight.
but i guess it isnt now... since im not technically "overweight"
but all see is fat. and its annoying as fuck.
you know?
i wish i could see myself through other peoples eyes.
im so biased against myself.

lets be lovely,
sofia.

children, crepes, and cupcakes.

while at the circus yesterday,
i saw a child.
i know, i know. big whoop.
but she was just sitting there eating popcorn.
no worries, just watching and eating.
and im sitting there thinking...
there are so many flippin calories in popcorn,
STOP EATING YOU FATASS.
yes, im going insane.

everytime i ate today i think...
i could do without this...
can i?
hmm... so far ive had 215 calories.
but im sure to eat a bit more.
[[edit:: i had 365. (:]]

im craving cheetos.

but i wont give in,
because i have crepe day tomorrow in french.
we eat crepes and think about how life is fan fucking tastic.
... i have a recovered anorexic in my class.
shes still really skinny... so im gonna see what she eats. :D
i may just have one... because im baking cupcakes after school tomorrow.
for C. (:

i think i like him... maybe.
i saw him in the hall today,
and my stomache just dropped,
and i couldnt help but smile.

im really tired though, i need to sleep more.
ive had 8.5 hours combined for two days.
i may take a nap right now, so my craving passes.

i didnt weigh myself this morning... didnt have the time.
i think i may be overdoing the font thing... so i think my next post will be one color, one font. haha.

lets be lovely,
sofia.

fairly well.

i did fairly well today.

i broke up with him... officially.
i think someone asked me out today.
W, from my last post.
but i was going to the circus with my mama,
so i said im busy...

R texted me to hang out with C this weekend,
at his house... considering hes eternally grounded.
well, we'll see what happens.

i

i dont know how i feel about circuses,
i liked the general acrobatics... and its was funny.
but... i dont know... the continuous laughing was creepy.
but, hey, whatever gets me out of the house.
but this meant i had to spend time with my mother,
whenever i spend time with my mother,
i always tend to tell her about the personal stuff,
that i very much wish to keep to myself.

i did quite well with eating today.
intake:
apple 80
salad and banana 115
peanuts 200
cucumber 15
popcorn 165
peanuts 25

i honestly guesstimated the numbers
so it would end up an even 600.
so thats not bad.

i weighed in at 144 this morning.
i hope its lower after today.
these high numbers are annoying.

stay lovely,
sofia.

beautiful, inside and out.

thats what i want to be.

i think i might have broken up with my boyfriend... maybe?

so from now on, i have to focus on what i put into me, what i put out (meaning words, actions, and emotions), and how i look.

all the single ladies? haha.

i have rekindled my love for apples.
they're just so lovely and munchy.
i think the kind i have now is honey crisp apples?
something like that.

i may start a raw foods diet.
whats more natural and good for you than raw fruits and vegetables.
its the best thing you could put into yourself.
and so obviously you can get the most out of it.

but my problem is... my parents dont really buy fruits and veggies.
on account that we normally eat awfully.
... heres what i think we have:
3 apples (80)
grape tomatoes (half a package)
and pickles.
maybe some potatoes.
thats hardly enough for a regular healthy diet.
but i can have a salad at school... then i dont know.

personal life update:
i dont know what im doing anymore.
i just want to fuck everything up.
destroy every friendship i have and live a solitary life.
but i would go crazy.
because then i would have to spend my time at home.
which is worse.
i proposed a break with my long distance boyfriend.
but hes like i love you and laadeedaaddeedaa.
he just made me angry. and sad.
im sick of crying. and im tired of him.
idk, and i think two of my friends like me.
W and C. i dont really like W... but hes nice.
and i like C... enough... but hes eternally grounded.
on account of getting alcohol poisoning on friday.
but ive heard from two of his friends that he pretty much likes me.
but i dont know. no one deserves to like a fat whale.
but i did fb creep on his ex. haha. ... i have no frikken life.
well thats it.

like the new way of blogging?
im bored. (:

xo,
sofia.

stay strong, lovely, and healthy dears. (:

im back.

i can feel it coming back,
covering the bones,
i worked so hard to show,
well, start to show.

im going to do a recap of everything that happened since "taking a break."

well i dont think anything happened until friday.
so we'll start there...
i went to this party at 8.
i was gonna get picked up at 11... so i was like.
ill only smoke a little.
but then they open the beers... so im like ill only have one.
then smoke a bit... then another beer... smoke a bowl... then a shot... a bit more weed... then another beer.
funny thing is.. the beer stopped the munchies... i wasnt hungry. haha.
lets just say i text a lot of people and call a lot of people.
i thought i could be straight for my dad at 11... but boy was that a fail.
i almost hooked up with someone... but i found out today that he doesnt remember a thing [he got alcohol poisoning... i didnt realize he was so drunk].
so since he doesnt remember, i guesss after the post i wont either... or bring it up.
i think i may like him though, but the problem is i have a boyfriend. and well... even though he's accross the mother fucking country that is morally incorrect.
im visiting my boyfriend over thanksgiving. but i think im gonna tell him that i want to take a break until i see him... because its torture for me. and then we can talk.

nothing really happened on saturday and sunday except i ate a lot.

i weigh 145 now. but i can already feel myself getting larger.
so now i start this again...
i know why im doing this.
because i want to be cared and loved. weird, huh.
because if i stay with my boyfriend i dont want him to think im just this fat chick he can do whatever he wants with. [i say this because he hasnt called me in 10 days... he left me a measly fb message on saturday though. whatever..]
and if i break up with him. i want other people to want me. i dont want to be discarded and forgotten.

yeah... here we go again.







effy from skins. i loooooveee her...