growing pains.

for a while i've been okay with the way i look,
enough to suppress the demon that used to tear me apart.

this particular one anyway.

i wasnt gaining,
i wasnt losing,
i was stagnant and ate what i wanted,
when i remembered to eat.

but now im planning, scheming,
how to get my control back,
everythings all over the place,
i dont know how to finish school,
im always tired,
i dont earn enough to support a child,
my baby daddy isnt really what i want him to be.
but i love him, and he loves me,
and i just keep holding on to every inch of hope.

theres nothing i can do until i am separated with my mini me,
im having a girl, in case anyones wondering.
at the end of january.

it wasnt until the past month and a half,
where i practically exploded,
appetite ravenous,
i cant think about anything else until im satisfied.

im stressed and frazzled,
and i want to be good at something again,
i need to focus on something that i can control.

bahhhh.

its a weird thing to have ed thoughts when youre pregnant.
id always thought when this happened id be older, more experienced, well rounded, well off, stable.
but here i am.

refresh and restart

i suppose i could be back now.
a little long, sorry!
i tried to recap a 18 months in one post.


the last time i posted was a year and a half ago. i had my own house, my own kitties that i loved more than most things, and a financial backing that combined both my own and my parents means.
since then a lot of things have changed.


my life could be a depressing soap opera.
the guy i had a crush on a year and a half ago?
we slept together when we went to new york and chicago, which broke me and andrew up.
however, living in the same house with your ex boyfriend is a little complicated.
especially when he immediately starts dating the girl he used to have a house with, who broke up with her boyfriend just to be with him.
andrew avoids me in public now,
and his (ex?) girl viciously attacked me in october before i kicked them out.
through all this, i continued to try to pursue this fantasy i had with my new york fling.
we did not end up together.
(... not yet...maybe...)


i went on festy tour,
what feels better than running away from everything that hurts and engulfing yourself in an illusion of happiness and life.
honestly, i think i was trying to prove something,
to myself,
and to the man who introduced me to gdf and everything that im bound to now,
and the man who broke my heart a year and a half ago,
without a single inclination of caring.
and if im honest to myself, i know he didn't.


however, that following year was more or less a whirlwind of disappointments and unmet possibilities.


i met a lot of men over the summer that
were nice to me
told me interesting fairy tales and facts
used me
convinced me to fall in love with them
broke me


i wouldn't trade it for anything.
everyone i met,
everything i learned,
the good and the bad.
i wouldn't know it any other way.


i had racks before that summer,
all of that dwindled to only two,
sometimes less,
sometimes more.
it's all gone now though,
but that leads me to another individual.


i have a wonderful boyfriend of 7 months now.
he might be the love of my life,
but hes certainly made my life quite difficult.


after i kicked andrew out,
i let D move in,
at the time he had a girlfriend,
i hadn't realized we had already met at a music festival 4 months before.
and since then ive become a bit of a k connoisseur,
but when business turned to pleasure and that mixed with sadness,
an addiction bloomed.
i have another monster inside of me: a kitten monster.
its not his fault, ive always wanted to be a cat,
but things could be so much different if i had been the stronger one.
we both hate to see each other in pain, but we're working on it.


i suppose that's why i haven't been here.
one addiction traded with another and another.
this way stopped working, so i tried something else.
my life centralized to doing k, selling k, and barely making it through everything else.
i almost failed classes last semester.
but this monster is strong,
once you break certain barriers its almost impossible to get out.
imagine three months in a k-hole.
three straight months.
it was pure bliss.
everything after, however...


when my lease ran up i had
spent most of my savings,
met and left an entirely new group of friends,
and been broken into, which took my laptop, camera, and other various things.
i thought i had nothing left to lose.


now,
i used my car so much without changing the oil it broke,
i told my parents what i do so they don't help me out much,
months of bad investments have put (well, not just) me in several thousand dollars in debt,
and im generally sad.


im still trying to pick up the pieces.
and i know most of the girls i used to converse with have long gone on to bigger and better things,
i hope so, they all deserved it.
to anyone that's still here, say hello! it might make me come back sooner.
ill be making time to post here, right now im in the library at school since i lack a computer and such.


i suppose ill weigh myself soon.
last time i checked
5'9"
128(-35) lb
but ive definitely gained a little since then so...


very much love to everyone thats struggling.

i cant wait to be thinner than ever before.

well, shit. another month in the life of sofia, is anyone out there?
thanks to everyone who responded to my last post.
Emily May, i know exactly what you mean. if i eat breakfast i get hungry in a couple hours, but if i go without, sometimes I can not eat all day without feeling any sort of hunger.

so here is my update. i moved out in a cute 2br/2ba with a bonus room right outside of the city with andrew and two friends. ill post pictures if anyone's interested. i havent had internet, so thats why i havent really been posting, but thats all fixed now.

andrew and i have been fighting. hes unhappy, and so am i, but we're working on it, i guess. i know im mean to him a lot, but sometimes he just acts so dumb, especially when hes high, its quite irritating. and he makes me feel like im always doing something wrong. and i think the only reason im finding anything wrong with him, is because im not entirely interested anymore. dont get me wrong, i love him. but i dont know if i love him differently than i would a friend at this point. maybe. that and i have a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge crush on my k dealer. whoops. need to stop falling for those...

i wish i knew my weight. moving out has brought out the absence of a scale, the fucktons of junk food boys seems to eat, and my inability to control myself sometimes. but right now, im just trying to eat one meal a day, that being healthy, and aiming to do calisthenics every day. i probably weigh about the same, i still have a tiny thigh gap, which oddly comforts me when i feel like ive been eating too much.

i have one weeks of school left then finals. as i always say, i hope to write more from now on, but i think that might actually be a possibility this time around.

have a wonderful day.

what is hunger

what is hunger. im trying to figure out when i feel it, when i eat because im hungry, what it actually feels like, really. ive spent so long ignoring it or overfeeding it that im lost as to its actual existence.

after a couple weeks of eating a chemical shitstorm, im back to eating mostly clean. i feel a lot better and im more full, and therefore, dont feel the need to eat until i explode or puke, which did happen at some points in the past month.

so my new mantra is what would model do. pretty much, every choice i make must bring out the self i want to portray and be shown as. aka, act like everyone is watching. this will hopefully lead me to make better food choices and eventually lead to me hopefully getting some jobs with this? i dont know, ive always wanted to, but im not small enough, not yet.


i havent made any progress, in fact, im pretty sure i gained weight. but the recently more spring-feeling days are making me feel like shit because i should have progressed way further by now. my spring break is next week and i have nothing to show for it.

i might be signing a lease for a house on monday, and to be honest, im fucking terrified. i tried to explain this to andrew, but he doesnt get it. he doesnt understand my anxiety or disordered eating or depression, in general. actually, we've been fighting a lot because he thinks i havent been telling him things when im actually trying my hardest, i dont share very well after all these years.

sorry this post sucks and its long overdue. im hoping to catch up on your posts as my nights get longer and i start falling down the hole again.

bmi 19.3.

you dont know what goes on in there.

ive been finding it hard to find the words to say to you beautiful ladies. i dont know how i feel right now, or how i am. its been a whirlwind of smiles, the deepest depression ive probably had yet, anxiety, tears, love, stress, self harm, and panic attacks. i never have a complete good day. i either start my day off with a panic attack, after weighing myself, or have one in class after being triggered, or at the end of the day for no god damn reason like last fucking night. i punched a pole for fucks sake.

my weight has fluctuated from 135-123 since i last posted. ive binged 5/11 days and fasted 2/11 days. my intakes have fluctuated from -100kcal to almost 2250kcal. ive run one mile, done 2 hours of yoga, and hula hooped thrice (15min).

most of my days consist of pot, andrew, chilling hard, business, and school, in that order. im taking a couple days break from smoking just to see how it affects me, who knows! but heres how the second third of february has gone:

- i realized im much more triggered when i see girls eating junk. like i will literally have a panic attack in class if some girl is eating some packaged junk food next to me, or around me. on the other hand, ive always tried to make my boys fat so boys eating junk has no effect on me. honestly that makes me feel stronger if im not eating with them, for some reason. (and by my boys, im referring to pretty much my entire group of friends of which i am one of few girls)

- im surprised im getting away with all of this. you would think your parents would try to do something when their child is up at odd hours of the night crying. of course, they dont know the half of it. my mom now texts me telling me to eat, and every time she sees me, she says something about my tired and "too thin" appearance. whatever.

- being more so depressed recently has really started putting a strain on things in my life. im always anxious and on edge, quick to get irritated and angry. its affecting my relationship with andrew a lot and i dont really know how to change it. BUT he doesnt make me eat anymore, so that makes me life a little easier. storytime: the day after valentines day, i took off my shirt when i was changing and he said i was skinny. then he said he could see my ribs. and then he told me i was beautiful. i really didnt know what to say at that point.

- guys, i now have zero sex drive. wooooooooooo.

- recently ive been thinking about trying to get better. its so physically draining to be constantly sad or anxious, but i really dont know how that would go. i feel like i would just start eating crap again and the whole cycle will just start right the fuck over. but sometimes i get glimpses of wanting to be healthy, calm, and inspiring (kinda, idk), and it confuses me. i hate myself too much to tell what i really want. i kinda want someone to care. to tell me i have a problem and to convince me to do something about it. but no one every takes me seriously.

- speaking of which, i need to work on eating less but more frequently, most days i plan on fasting and then go home and binge on everything because the stress of the day just piles up and apparently thats how i deal with it, stuffing my face until my stomach is distended.

a little bit of cara always makes me smile.

bmi: 18.6.

finally underweight.

i feel strange. accomplished, yet not satisfied. simply put, im going crazy. im constantly crying and having anxiety attacks and the only thing that makes me feel better is pot, or really any other drug, maybe. i never feel like being out anymore. sure, ill have fun with my friends when im out. but half the time i just want to go home to my heated blankets and not wake up for days.

my mom keep worrying about me, telling me that i look like ive been losing weight, and that ive lost a lot in the past 2 months. the problem is, shes blaming it on drugs. i understand it runs in the family and my brother is currently in jail due to the extenuating circumstances of his heroin addiction, but i can handle my drugs. to this day, i dont think theres anything im particularly addicted to. except, probably, psychologically pot. but i dont understand why she cant just see that im sad.

anyways, so here's how the first third of february has gone: 

beginning this month, i was entirely discouraged by the plateau i was at. i spent the first two days binging and after weighing in, i was horrified. i fasted for two days after that, and since then ive had an intake between 178-491. on the fifth, i started a yoga program. a 21 day challenge by yoga journal. i get an email every morning with a 30 minute or so video. ive also been trying to start running in my neighborhood more. ive only been once this week though. but running a mile isnt really that hard now, so i really have to start pushing myself to go longer.

being vegan is actually really awesome. 5/8 days in february so far, and that because of two binge days and international pancake day. andrew and i went to ihop and i ate like 1/8 of one of my free pancakes. haha. i told them i already ate because those things are ridiculously full of calories and things i dont want inside of me. but im really enjoying making awesome vegan foods and veggies when i do actually eat.

speaking of andrew, a couple days ago, he called me beautiful and he said it wasnt a compliment.... boys are fucking confusing.
thirty minutes later, we had this conversation.
him: will you marry me?
me: (laughing)
him: this is serious *sarcastically*
me: i thought we were smoking a bowl...
him: well, they are pretty similar.
me: yeah, whatever's easier really.
okay, it doesnt sound cute when i type it out. but i promise it was and it made me feel all funny inside and all that jazz. :P

heres some awful poetry i probably wrote in a sleep-deprived, depressive daze.

will you bring me flowers,
when im six feet under,
when i need a smile,
when im sick in bed.

will you hold me until the day i pass,
or the day i take myself.
not because i didnt love you.,
but because i didnt love myself.

hold me together while im here,
im sure to stay a little longer,
for you are worth the daily struggle.
and ill do my best to extend my stay.

ill never forget,
this love we made,
however long or short.

please just hold me together a little longer.

bmi: 18.3.

plateau from hell.

well. its been about two weeks since i last posted. ive been trying to keep up with everyones blogs! i read all of them, but sometimes im too tired to comment, but i try! <3

i finished the book skinny bitch. i liked it. a lot. ive had 8/12 vegan days since i last posted. and the only reason for that is one starbucks drink and these crackers im trying to get rid of [one milk product! -_- ].

ive been plataued around 130-128. im hoping for a lower number tomorrow, hopefully, considering i got up at 5:30am to go for a fucking run! BUT this month ive lost a total of 10 pounds. the official number will be tomorrow, but thats still quite an accomplishment! so im going to be proud of myself for a millisecond.

speaking of which, tonight my mom called me asking if i was trying to kill myelf by not eating... like, what. how am i supposed to fucking respond to that? i swear shes so naive sometimes. i dont know what to do, im obviously not going to cave now. im so close to finally being underweight. but i dont know how to get her off my back for a while... i dont know, ill figure something out.

we still havent found a house yet. of course, i havent been as actively looking as i should be,and neither has andrew, so i dont know where this is going. im really trying to make this happen this following month. im tired of having to leave my house an hour and thirty minutes earlier than my class on mornings i have to go to school just to sit in annoying atlanta traffic. bleh.

school, itself, is going satisfactorily. i still have a bunch of issues to clear up with registration, but im working on it. AND I FINALLY GOT MY CAR BACK. i might post pictures soon, shes so cute. my friend has been fixing it for the past three months and i just got it back on sunday, if i remember correctly.

stay lovely!
bmi: 19.0.

the journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

and boy do i need to walk a thousand miles before i look anywhere close to acceptable.
slowly, but surely, ill make it.

i started school this week!
i love going to georgia state.
i like it so much better than uga.
the vibes are better, if that makes sense
 howeveeerr, they are trying to fuck me over.
the admissions office claims they dont have my ap scores and transcript.
which they do.
so now i might get dropped from a class.
which is stressing me out a lot.

on top of that, im sick. :(
i think i had a fever today.
but ive had a terrible cough for like a week now,
terrible headaches, and im always tired, but cant sleep.
some of those symptoms are due to eating less, but still.

i dont know if i told you guys, but...
im going vegan! im gradually replacing/using everything non vegan that i have and eating more vegan foods.
so far most of the foods ive been eating are vegan, but my starbucks isnt.
just because soy milk makes it way too expensive. :'( 
but ill figure that out.

i had a really bad day today,
but im trying to stay positive.
because thats really all i can do.

even if i have this anxious feeling like im about to burst into tears in my chest that wont go away. and im doubting everything in my life right now. and i cried like a dozen times today.



stay lovely. <3 
bmi: 19.6

change.

hello my dears!
ive finally started doing something about my horrendous weight!
ive had two steps back, but im working on it.

monday: i just chilled
bmi: 20.4

tuesday: i signed up for classes.
bmi: 20.6

wednesday: i tried to fix my classes.
bmi: 20.1

thursday: i had a really big business opportunity present itself.
bmi: 19.9

friday: i went to starbucks because my mom messed up my doctor appointment time and had lunch with andrew.
bmi: 19.9

saturday: today! i toured a house with andrew. its a little too small for the price, but we're considering it.
bmi: 20.1

we're moving in together.
i dont know if im happy about it or what.
im excited, obviously. there are a lot fo new things coming into my life.
but im scared.
he could change everything.
nothing could change.
i could change.
i dont know how well i can handle all of it at once.

my mood was better this week.
probably because i was losing weight.
this morning, after the gain, i cried.
ive been cutting again.
i guess its just the way the cycle goes.

there is a little light that shines through the clouds.

sometimes i feel like screaming,
im holding so much inside,
all these jumbled up words ready to spill.
no one would listen anyway.

i realized i cant harness the feeling i have with someone so i could stand on my own,
because that feeling involves being cared for by someone else and not worrying.
hence, alone = anxious mess.

im not losing any weight and thats bothering me.
although im starting to get back on the right track i think.

but my scale is 5 pounds of according to my brother,
i think im going to look for a new one,
but not weigh myself until i have three good days.
im surprised i didnt cry when i found out.
i just kinda sat down and stared blankly at things for a minute. 

today was better.
i didnt wake up angry or sad.
and nothing went wrong.
it was actually pretty awesome. 
and all i had was 8 baby carrots.

i got the book skinny bitch,
that should be an interesting read.

lets just cross out trust and love.

a dark grey has settles over my bones,
my internal forecast
thunderstorms and showers,
lightening aimed straight at my heart.

every say i wake up alone,
i feel anxious and tense.
i start crying,
my entire day unwinding until puffs of smoke calm me down.
i dont feel better,
im just getting by.

if i wake up in andrews arms,
its entirely different,
i feel at peace,
someone else cares.
but i dont trust anyone anymore.

my best friend and ex boyfriend wont speak to me,
he says he isnt over me yet,
and i spent most of new years eve crying about that.
ive come to the realization that its okay,
i just miss him terribly,
but i dont know whether or not im in love with him anymore,
i dont know,
i dont think so.

shattered messages,
pieces of a tangled past scattered.
you cannot read her pages.

i keep having suicidal thoughts.

i "dont" feel.

my thoughts dont flow anymore,
i would write more,
if my mind could actually focus on anything other than destruction.

i dont want to be here,
but i cant leave,
i fall in between the crevices of vague hopes,
and all i really want is to disappear.

mornings frequently arrive with tears and hatred,
every day is a cycle of getting as inebriated as possible,
on anything that's offered.

i dont know if what i feel occasionally is truly happiness,
or the face i play to get less questions.

im a liar and a terrible person,
and im about to destroy everything in my path,
to prove absolutely nothing.
except maybe a black heart.

bmi 20.9

(not so) happy thanksgiving.

i want to write something beautiful that will make your hearts soar and your spirits rise, but im afraid ive been on the verge of tears all day and the dam simply shattered when i returned home this evening. 

wednesday i spent the entire day throwing up for no apparent reason other than the fact that my body hates me. intake = zero.

thursday was thanksgiving. i ate too much. intake = 950.

today was alright. i fasted today. i havent had a cig in three days now, and its weird. i like everything about cigs, but my friend got into my car smelling like an ashtray and i have never been more nauseated in my life. oh, well. i know im not quitting forever, but its nice to save money for now. 

on the mental side of things, im sad. im really really fucking sad. my mood can just go cliff diving at the smallest things. 

i have never wanted to disappear more in my life.

its been here and there, and i dont know if i should care.

okay first id like to address the subject of commenting. just like giving gifts, im shit at it. so i apologize in advance even though im gonna do it anyway because idk, i personally like to know someones out there relating to me and stuff.

second, i dont exactly feel right here anymore. sure, im still fucked in everyone else's eyes. but im not as sick as i used to be, and certainly not as sick as many of you. however, im still fucking mental. just not so much weight wise. i havent fasted in forever. and dont even know if i could. i might try to do that this weekend after thanksgiving.

i should probably scout for my parents scale soon. im really itching to know how much i weigh. my eating fluctuates a lot. like, since i last posted ive had 4 days 0-200 cal, 4 day 500-1000 cal, 3 days 1300-1700 cal, and three binge days (even though i would consider most of the days binge days).

i hope im still losing weight. i went shopping a couple days ago and it ruined my mood for most of the day because i couldnt fit into a pain of size sevens even though the pants i have right now are sevens and theyre falling off my ass. i fucking hate shopping.

im considering moving in with andrew. im going to be honest when i say i love him. theres something about him that makes me want to smile, to stay alive. although, i still dont trust him enough to truly love me back unconditionally. i dont think ill ever build up enough trust to do that. he always complains that i dont talk about things, but im so used to not trusting anyone, i quite almost dont know how to communicate my thoughts to others. oh, well.

i hope everyone is having a lovely week, and to those of you in the u.s. happy thanksgiving. dont eat too much, (;. i love you guys.

does it ever change?

its not the same, but it really is.

ive been away for two months. i still dont eat right, purge, cut, and other silly things. i think im in love, but who knows. 

i still dont know how much i weigh, but dont have the will to spend money on a scale. although i probably should, i dont know whether it would be better or worse for my brain.

i have panic attacks on the daily. today was the first monday when i could actually suppress a panic attack when i woke up. two weeks ago monday, i have six or seven panic attacks. it was fucking terrible.

i think im losing weight, but i feel so huge, so maybe not. im not counting nearly as much as i used to. i purge way more than i used to, probably because ive gotten better at it. silver lining? no, not at all. i always feel guilty afterwards, so i cut, which doesnt make anything better. then i just sit there with a blank stare wondering where my life is going.

im transferring colleges which should help with my mental sanity, considering im moving closer to andrew. hes rational. its nice. [hes also crazy and hot as hell, so that doesnt hurt. you know how i like crazyy (; ]

but heres the gist of my thinking, i want to lose weight, but i dont want to feel like shit, but i dont know which is the cause or if theyre even related at all. blech. i normally barely eat during the week and eat one huge unhealthy meal a day on weekends. maybe i should start counting again, but im such a stoner and forget half the things i mean to do anyway.

but im in a pleasant mood today and im going to try to catch up on reading some of your blogs. thanks for sticking around. <3

mondays.

today was a very lazy day. very lazy days are not good for sofia.

i woke up at 11:10 am. my second class starts at 11:15am. so i said fuck it and skipped both of them. i then proceeded to go supply shopping at walmart with a friend from school.

then i went and visited my friend jacob who lives 40 minutes away... yay for having a car! but i had been smoking weed since i woke up so i binged a lot and then passed out into a food coma type thing. then woke up, drove to target, bought binge food, and went back to my dorm.

this is where it gets bad. after eating about half of each a box of cheezits, a king sized kit kat bar, and (1/3 of) a box of cookies, i purged some of it and then cut. i fucking hate it when i do that. it makes me feel guilty, worthless, and stupid.

i told andrew i was freaking out and explained some of why i was freaking out, and he told me not to because i was perfect, which really just made me cry even more. but several cigarettes later, i felt better, went back to my room and did some work. i have an exam tomorrow i have yet to study for though....

im gonna stay busy tomorrow. and probably go shopping for something to wear for the concert im seeing friday night. the food plan is small portions of oatmeal/eggs/fruit for breakfast, and then salad/fruit for lunch and dinner. im going to try to fast on wednesday, i think, but that may be difficult since im going to go back to my home town.

oh, and by the way, i hate wear i live now. i go to the university of georgia, and athens sucks. its all about drinking and there are way to many assholes and dumb bitches everywhere. its hard to deal with sometimes.

stay lovely everyone. <3

andrew.

i told him my secrets. every day he pries out more. ive been welcoming it. im falling in love with him.

he told me he loved me.... twice.
also mentioned that ive been losing weight, and that i should gain some. [[fuck that, obviously]]

a month ago i was dating five people, now i only want andrew, i think. he doesnt believe in monogamous relationships though, so i dont know what he wants from me. we've been seeing each other for almost three months without being anything official. we started off as business friends, then we went to friends, then almost instantly to fuck bodies, but now theres something more. i miss him when i go to school during the week, and i want to spend all weekend with him always. he always tells me he doesnt want me to leave.

i still dont know how much i weigh. i try not to eat. ive been throwing up sometimes. im only getting worse from being at college.

i hope everyone is doing alright. ill try to find time to comment and post more, now that i have bunches of free time. stay lovely. <3

the bad month of july.

well, since coming back to america, most of my life has gone to complete shit... go figure.


.... well not all of it, but yeah. 


ive gotten smaller, i think. but ive gotten into eating a bunch at one time then not eating again or eating a bunch at one time again... like once i start i dont have a stopper. im working on it though.


i think im dating three people at one time right now, sorta. i dont know, i think i just like the attention, i guess. but two of them claim to love me and i like the other one more than those two. its very confusing. i dont love much anymore.


i got robbed at gunpoint but this stupid fuck i was dealing to a couple days ago. and i think ive been going insane. i drink too often, cut too frequently, smoke too many cigs, am constantly high, i smoked molly for three days in a row which made my head hurt so bad this morning i literally couldnt get out of bed. i havent really been doing many other drugs but i just havent really been in contact much.


my mom crashed her car yesterday and i looked at bills for college a couple days ago which depressed the fuck out of me.


i cant feel many emotions anymore. i can only cry when im shitfaced. and i mess everything up. 


i have no money anymore because my friends owe me a total of 3 grand and that guy robbed me of a little over a grand.


well, now that im done complaining, let me try to think of something fun and fabulous to say.


derp. i seriously just sat staring at the screen and around my room for a couple minutes and couldnt think of anything. i really need to start weighing myself., maybe ill do that tomorrow. and ill try to read more of your blogs, i just try to stay away from my house most of the time because i feel so oppressed and miserable and worthless here.


IM SORRY FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING. HAPPY VIBES.

to old friends.

it makes me sad that the people i follow and used to read daily dont post anymore, but i wish them the best wherever they are and i hope theyve gotten past this, unlike me.