growing pains.

for a while i've been okay with the way i look,
enough to suppress the demon that used to tear me apart.

this particular one anyway.

i wasnt gaining,
i wasnt losing,
i was stagnant and ate what i wanted,
when i remembered to eat.

but now im planning, scheming,
how to get my control back,
everythings all over the place,
i dont know how to finish school,
im always tired,
i dont earn enough to support a child,
my baby daddy isnt really what i want him to be.
but i love him, and he loves me,
and i just keep holding on to every inch of hope.

theres nothing i can do until i am separated with my mini me,
im having a girl, in case anyones wondering.
at the end of january.

it wasnt until the past month and a half,
where i practically exploded,
appetite ravenous,
i cant think about anything else until im satisfied.

im stressed and frazzled,
and i want to be good at something again,
i need to focus on something that i can control.

bahhhh.

its a weird thing to have ed thoughts when youre pregnant.
id always thought when this happened id be older, more experienced, well rounded, well off, stable.
but here i am.

refresh and restart

i suppose i could be back now.
a little long, sorry!
i tried to recap a 18 months in one post.


the last time i posted was a year and a half ago. i had my own house, my own kitties that i loved more than most things, and a financial backing that combined both my own and my parents means.
since then a lot of things have changed.


my life could be a depressing soap opera.
the guy i had a crush on a year and a half ago?
we slept together when we went to new york and chicago, which broke me and andrew up.
however, living in the same house with your ex boyfriend is a little complicated.
especially when he immediately starts dating the girl he used to have a house with, who broke up with her boyfriend just to be with him.
andrew avoids me in public now,
and his (ex?) girl viciously attacked me in october before i kicked them out.
through all this, i continued to try to pursue this fantasy i had with my new york fling.
we did not end up together.
(... not yet...maybe...)


i went on festy tour,
what feels better than running away from everything that hurts and engulfing yourself in an illusion of happiness and life.
honestly, i think i was trying to prove something,
to myself,
and to the man who introduced me to gdf and everything that im bound to now,
and the man who broke my heart a year and a half ago,
without a single inclination of caring.
and if im honest to myself, i know he didn't.


however, that following year was more or less a whirlwind of disappointments and unmet possibilities.


i met a lot of men over the summer that
were nice to me
told me interesting fairy tales and facts
used me
convinced me to fall in love with them
broke me


i wouldn't trade it for anything.
everyone i met,
everything i learned,
the good and the bad.
i wouldn't know it any other way.


i had racks before that summer,
all of that dwindled to only two,
sometimes less,
sometimes more.
it's all gone now though,
but that leads me to another individual.


i have a wonderful boyfriend of 7 months now.
he might be the love of my life,
but hes certainly made my life quite difficult.


after i kicked andrew out,
i let D move in,
at the time he had a girlfriend,
i hadn't realized we had already met at a music festival 4 months before.
and since then ive become a bit of a k connoisseur,
but when business turned to pleasure and that mixed with sadness,
an addiction bloomed.
i have another monster inside of me: a kitten monster.
its not his fault, ive always wanted to be a cat,
but things could be so much different if i had been the stronger one.
we both hate to see each other in pain, but we're working on it.


i suppose that's why i haven't been here.
one addiction traded with another and another.
this way stopped working, so i tried something else.
my life centralized to doing k, selling k, and barely making it through everything else.
i almost failed classes last semester.
but this monster is strong,
once you break certain barriers its almost impossible to get out.
imagine three months in a k-hole.
three straight months.
it was pure bliss.
everything after, however...


when my lease ran up i had
spent most of my savings,
met and left an entirely new group of friends,
and been broken into, which took my laptop, camera, and other various things.
i thought i had nothing left to lose.


now,
i used my car so much without changing the oil it broke,
i told my parents what i do so they don't help me out much,
months of bad investments have put (well, not just) me in several thousand dollars in debt,
and im generally sad.


im still trying to pick up the pieces.
and i know most of the girls i used to converse with have long gone on to bigger and better things,
i hope so, they all deserved it.
to anyone that's still here, say hello! it might make me come back sooner.
ill be making time to post here, right now im in the library at school since i lack a computer and such.


i suppose ill weigh myself soon.
last time i checked
5'9"
128(-35) lb
but ive definitely gained a little since then so...


very much love to everyone thats struggling.

i cant wait to be thinner than ever before.

well, shit. another month in the life of sofia, is anyone out there?
thanks to everyone who responded to my last post.
Emily May, i know exactly what you mean. if i eat breakfast i get hungry in a couple hours, but if i go without, sometimes I can not eat all day without feeling any sort of hunger.

so here is my update. i moved out in a cute 2br/2ba with a bonus room right outside of the city with andrew and two friends. ill post pictures if anyone's interested. i havent had internet, so thats why i havent really been posting, but thats all fixed now.

andrew and i have been fighting. hes unhappy, and so am i, but we're working on it, i guess. i know im mean to him a lot, but sometimes he just acts so dumb, especially when hes high, its quite irritating. and he makes me feel like im always doing something wrong. and i think the only reason im finding anything wrong with him, is because im not entirely interested anymore. dont get me wrong, i love him. but i dont know if i love him differently than i would a friend at this point. maybe. that and i have a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge crush on my k dealer. whoops. need to stop falling for those...

i wish i knew my weight. moving out has brought out the absence of a scale, the fucktons of junk food boys seems to eat, and my inability to control myself sometimes. but right now, im just trying to eat one meal a day, that being healthy, and aiming to do calisthenics every day. i probably weigh about the same, i still have a tiny thigh gap, which oddly comforts me when i feel like ive been eating too much.

i have one weeks of school left then finals. as i always say, i hope to write more from now on, but i think that might actually be a possibility this time around.

have a wonderful day.

what is hunger

what is hunger. im trying to figure out when i feel it, when i eat because im hungry, what it actually feels like, really. ive spent so long ignoring it or overfeeding it that im lost as to its actual existence.

after a couple weeks of eating a chemical shitstorm, im back to eating mostly clean. i feel a lot better and im more full, and therefore, dont feel the need to eat until i explode or puke, which did happen at some points in the past month.

so my new mantra is what would model do. pretty much, every choice i make must bring out the self i want to portray and be shown as. aka, act like everyone is watching. this will hopefully lead me to make better food choices and eventually lead to me hopefully getting some jobs with this? i dont know, ive always wanted to, but im not small enough, not yet.


i havent made any progress, in fact, im pretty sure i gained weight. but the recently more spring-feeling days are making me feel like shit because i should have progressed way further by now. my spring break is next week and i have nothing to show for it.

i might be signing a lease for a house on monday, and to be honest, im fucking terrified. i tried to explain this to andrew, but he doesnt get it. he doesnt understand my anxiety or disordered eating or depression, in general. actually, we've been fighting a lot because he thinks i havent been telling him things when im actually trying my hardest, i dont share very well after all these years.

sorry this post sucks and its long overdue. im hoping to catch up on your posts as my nights get longer and i start falling down the hole again.

bmi 19.3.

you dont know what goes on in there.

ive been finding it hard to find the words to say to you beautiful ladies. i dont know how i feel right now, or how i am. its been a whirlwind of smiles, the deepest depression ive probably had yet, anxiety, tears, love, stress, self harm, and panic attacks. i never have a complete good day. i either start my day off with a panic attack, after weighing myself, or have one in class after being triggered, or at the end of the day for no god damn reason like last fucking night. i punched a pole for fucks sake.

my weight has fluctuated from 135-123 since i last posted. ive binged 5/11 days and fasted 2/11 days. my intakes have fluctuated from -100kcal to almost 2250kcal. ive run one mile, done 2 hours of yoga, and hula hooped thrice (15min).

most of my days consist of pot, andrew, chilling hard, business, and school, in that order. im taking a couple days break from smoking just to see how it affects me, who knows! but heres how the second third of february has gone:

- i realized im much more triggered when i see girls eating junk. like i will literally have a panic attack in class if some girl is eating some packaged junk food next to me, or around me. on the other hand, ive always tried to make my boys fat so boys eating junk has no effect on me. honestly that makes me feel stronger if im not eating with them, for some reason. (and by my boys, im referring to pretty much my entire group of friends of which i am one of few girls)

- im surprised im getting away with all of this. you would think your parents would try to do something when their child is up at odd hours of the night crying. of course, they dont know the half of it. my mom now texts me telling me to eat, and every time she sees me, she says something about my tired and "too thin" appearance. whatever.

- being more so depressed recently has really started putting a strain on things in my life. im always anxious and on edge, quick to get irritated and angry. its affecting my relationship with andrew a lot and i dont really know how to change it. BUT he doesnt make me eat anymore, so that makes me life a little easier. storytime: the day after valentines day, i took off my shirt when i was changing and he said i was skinny. then he said he could see my ribs. and then he told me i was beautiful. i really didnt know what to say at that point.

- guys, i now have zero sex drive. wooooooooooo.

- recently ive been thinking about trying to get better. its so physically draining to be constantly sad or anxious, but i really dont know how that would go. i feel like i would just start eating crap again and the whole cycle will just start right the fuck over. but sometimes i get glimpses of wanting to be healthy, calm, and inspiring (kinda, idk), and it confuses me. i hate myself too much to tell what i really want. i kinda want someone to care. to tell me i have a problem and to convince me to do something about it. but no one every takes me seriously.

- speaking of which, i need to work on eating less but more frequently, most days i plan on fasting and then go home and binge on everything because the stress of the day just piles up and apparently thats how i deal with it, stuffing my face until my stomach is distended.

a little bit of cara always makes me smile.

bmi: 18.6.

finally underweight.

i feel strange. accomplished, yet not satisfied. simply put, im going crazy. im constantly crying and having anxiety attacks and the only thing that makes me feel better is pot, or really any other drug, maybe. i never feel like being out anymore. sure, ill have fun with my friends when im out. but half the time i just want to go home to my heated blankets and not wake up for days.

my mom keep worrying about me, telling me that i look like ive been losing weight, and that ive lost a lot in the past 2 months. the problem is, shes blaming it on drugs. i understand it runs in the family and my brother is currently in jail due to the extenuating circumstances of his heroin addiction, but i can handle my drugs. to this day, i dont think theres anything im particularly addicted to. except, probably, psychologically pot. but i dont understand why she cant just see that im sad.

anyways, so here's how the first third of february has gone: 

beginning this month, i was entirely discouraged by the plateau i was at. i spent the first two days binging and after weighing in, i was horrified. i fasted for two days after that, and since then ive had an intake between 178-491. on the fifth, i started a yoga program. a 21 day challenge by yoga journal. i get an email every morning with a 30 minute or so video. ive also been trying to start running in my neighborhood more. ive only been once this week though. but running a mile isnt really that hard now, so i really have to start pushing myself to go longer.

being vegan is actually really awesome. 5/8 days in february so far, and that because of two binge days and international pancake day. andrew and i went to ihop and i ate like 1/8 of one of my free pancakes. haha. i told them i already ate because those things are ridiculously full of calories and things i dont want inside of me. but im really enjoying making awesome vegan foods and veggies when i do actually eat.

speaking of andrew, a couple days ago, he called me beautiful and he said it wasnt a compliment.... boys are fucking confusing.
thirty minutes later, we had this conversation.
him: will you marry me?
me: (laughing)
him: this is serious *sarcastically*
me: i thought we were smoking a bowl...
him: well, they are pretty similar.
me: yeah, whatever's easier really.
okay, it doesnt sound cute when i type it out. but i promise it was and it made me feel all funny inside and all that jazz. :P

heres some awful poetry i probably wrote in a sleep-deprived, depressive daze.

will you bring me flowers,
when im six feet under,
when i need a smile,
when im sick in bed.

will you hold me until the day i pass,
or the day i take myself.
not because i didnt love you.,
but because i didnt love myself.

hold me together while im here,
im sure to stay a little longer,
for you are worth the daily struggle.
and ill do my best to extend my stay.

ill never forget,
this love we made,
however long or short.

please just hold me together a little longer.

bmi: 18.3.